Parental Guidance Page #2

for "Best New Product of the Year."

Oh!

That's fantastic!

I know! They're flying us both next week.

Five days of lectures

and networking and love.

Oh. Saturday is Harper's audition.

Yeah, but it's at night.

We'll fly back early. We'll make it.

Also, Turner has speech therapy.

I have to buy Harper a

dress for the audition.

We're supposed

to take the kids to the symphony...

Honey, we haven't had a

vacation since Barker was born.

- That's five years.

- Mmm-hmm.

This conversation is the longest we've been

alone in months.

So, great.

I'll call my parents, they'll fly down.

They'll be happy

to watch the kids while we're gone.

A cruise. What cruise?

The one that we bought them

for their 40th anniversary.

I said just get them matching tracksuits.

Look, we'll figure something out, okay?

Well, we could always call your parents.

Oh, you're serious.

Yeah. They haven't seen the kids

in what, a year?

Ten months is not quite a year.

Call them.

- They're not coming.

- Don't you need to talk to them first?

You know that they're just going to

say that they can't make it.

What? What?

- What?

- The itch.

You're kidding.

You're getting your "Artie and Diane Rash"?

Have you forgotten how they disapprove

of the way that we parent?

My father doesn't listen.

My mother, she's a tornado with lipstick.

Alice, we need this vacation.

And as you know...

who's going to be with you

in the Hilton Head?

Nigel?

That's right.

In fact, have you heard me new song?

I'm gonna love you

till the police come

Anything for you, Nigel.

Carl flushed my pillow down the toilet.

Toilet overflowing.

Bathroom flooded.

Okay, I'll call my parents.

Artie, pick up the phone!

What are you doing?

I can't hear you, the phone's ringing.

- Hello?

- Hi, Dad.

- Alice, how are you?

- Is Mom around?

Yeah, hold on, I'll get her.

Your daughter.

Put her on speakerphone.

Don't tell her I was fired.

- Oh, my.

- I got it.

- Put her on hold.

- I know.

- Put her on hold.

- I'm trying.

- Put her on hold.

- I can't.

- Put her on hold.

- You're making me tense.

Now, put her on hold.

It's right there.

I'm gonna start a fire, here.

Hi, Alice, what's going on?

Well, now that you ask...

Phil has to go away next week and

I'd really like to go with him.

And we need someone to watch the kids,

so I was wondering, would you want to?

No. No.

We'd love to!

Listen, I'm cooking dinner.

I'll call you back in a

little bit for the details.

She said yes.

You said yes.

Artie, we practically

never see our grandchildren.

We've never seen their new house.

They've never been to Fresno.

I just got fired. I'm licking my wounds.

I'll lick them. Come on!

They need someone to take care of the kids.

Can't the house do it?

We have one child.

These three kids are the only

grandchildren we're ever going to have.

I'm awkward around those kids.

I don't think they like me.

Honey, they don't see you enough.

They have to know you better

before they don't like you.

No, but it's a real thing, Di.

And it all comes from Alice.

Like the last time,

the little one left the house...

wearing flippers and a bathrobe.

So I made a little joke.

I said, "This one, any hope for normal?"

And I got this withering gaze.

Like you're giving me now.

Well, first of all...

it might be a good thing

if you learned "the little one's" name.

It's Barker.

Di.

Listen to me, I'm fragile right now.

I need a job.

I don't need Alice's disapproval.

I'm not going.

- You're going.

- That's what I meant.

Her whole way of raising

her kids is a giant...

...in our face.

It's her generation. It's just their way.

Hey, what are you looking for, sailor?

If you haven't found

it yet, it's not there. I'll help you out.

- Come on!

- He's not done groping.

And could she

have found anyone less like me to marry?

What's your

problem with Phil? He's such a sweet guy.

He is sweet. I think he breastfed the kids.

Perfect, it's raining.

Scattered showers, honey.

It'll be over in 20 minutes.

It's an omen.

- What's it an omen of?

- Impending doom.

- I have a great idea.

- What's that?

Shut up!

I'll think about it.

- You know what grandparenting is?

- What?

A second chance.

That's pretty good.

- And you know what Alice told me?

- What?

The kids are over-the-moon excited

about our coming.

Why them?

Because they're your grandparents

and they love you.

D- Do we have to wear these?

Well, Grandma made them.

And she thinks you like them.

Why would she think that?

Because I told her that you did.

Look, it's going to be okay. I promise you.

You know, they're very funny.

Grandpa tells lots of jokes...

that you won't get.

So just laugh.

Just laugh and I promise you

we'll get through this week.

Remember, Mama loves you very much.

They're here!

Oh, no.

Hi!

Hi!

This is a McStadium.

Hey, thanks for coming.

Hello, Phil.

Oh, my goodness!

They're wearing their shirts.

I told you, they love those shirts!

Give me a kiss.

I'm so excited.

This one's gonna be prettier

than her grandma.

- Harper.

- I know.

- How's the fiddle coming? Still fiddling?

- Mmm-hmm.

Hello, boys, still single?

Mom, you brought groceries?

You know Dad.

He just wanted to make sure

you had food here for him.

Okay, and toilet paper?

Well, I know what I like. Aloe.

Are those for us?

Those are definitely for you!

Yep. One for each of you.

Here you go. And for you.

S- Super Squirters! Awesome!

You bought them guns.

Yeah.

Dad. We don't do guns.

Hey, if you think

that's something, wait until you see this.

This is classic Artie.

Artie Decker bobbleheads.

Here you go. Look at this, huh?

What do you say?

That's creepy. Make it stop!

Thank you, Grandpa.

Th-Thank you, G-Grandpa.

Hey, you know what?

Since we're all gonna be pals now...

instead of calling me

"Grandpa," why don't you call me "Artie"?

So it's "Grandma and Artie"

now? What are you, my boyfriend?

No, listen. We went through

all those names last time.

I don't want to be "Mup-Mup,"

or "Bup-Bup," or "Boop-Boop."

Those are puppet names.

My name is Artie.

Always been Artie. Call me Artie.

Can I call you "Farty"?

That's not a name, dope.

Hey, that was a put-down.

You owe me three put-ups.

I like your shoes.

I like your shirt. I like your hair.

Let's go inside.

You guys all have to change because

we're going out for dinner. Come on.

Get the bags, Farty.

Alice, this is a beautiful house.

Thank you.

- It's a prototype.

- Prototype?

Welcome, Alice and Phil and Harper

and Turner and Barker and...

two unidentified guests.

But that's not strange.

It's the R-life.

It's Phil's invention.

It's what he's worked on all this time.

Wow.

This is the brain center

to this fully automated...

voice-activated, prototype smart house.

And I'm just going to enter you two

into the system right now.

All right.

Beam me up.

You all get these portables...

and if there are any problems,

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