Parental Guidance Page #3

Turner understands the whole system.

Turner does?

Well, if Turner can do it,

I certainly can't.

Alice, this is so beautiful.

How's work, Dad? How's your season?

Very good. Yeah, we had a good season.

Yeah, a lot of good kids.

You know, your dad still signs off

every broadcast, "Lights out, Alice."

- Really?

- Yeah.

See, when Alice was a little girl,

I wasn't home a lot to put her to bed...

so on the radio I would say...

"Lights out, Alice,"

and it sort of stuck, you know?

Wow, that's really nice.

Yeah.

I thought so.

What's this?

It's some photos.

Pipi and Papi look great.

Yeah.

Here you are.

Oh, yeah.

I took that picture!

That was a great day, yeah.

Farty wet his pants!

Barker, indoor voice.

Farty wet his pants! Farty wet his pants!

Guns.

Guns.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

That's so hot!

What are you doing? It's too hot!

Here, do it yourself.

What's the matter?

- Do you realize what we are?

- What?

We're the "other" grandparents.

We can't be all four.

I'm serious.

They have their real grandparents

that they love and put up on the mantle...

and then there's us.

And who's putting those pictures

on the mantle?

Our daughter. She is not

sticking up for us.

I don't think the kids

even know what I do. Or did.

Look, Artie, I know you're upset

about getting kicked in your career...

but we need to focus, buddy.

Our grandchildren are going to love me.

- What about me?

- That's your problem.

Welcome!

- New people.

- Hello.

These are my parents.

They're going to watch the kids this week.

Welcome to Healthy Tiger.

All healthy Pan Asian food.

What's that?

No MSG, no gluten, no sodium.

Just healthy food.

I'm drooling already.

Pan Asian, just like me!

My mother's Japanese,

my father's Chinese...

my kids are Korean

and they go to Hebrew day school.

Oy vey!

Come on. Yeah!

How do you ruin Chinese food?

Okay.

We seem to have an empty chair.

No, no, that chair is for Carl.

- Who's Carl?

- Barker's friend.

How nice. When's he coming?

He's already here.

Hi, Carl. You look great.

Did you get a haircut?

Tell him.

Carl is Barker's imaginary friend.

He's a kangaroo.

Maybe we should have eaten

at the Outback.

Kids, go wash your hands.

Come on, Carl.

Bye, Farty.

He's in a real

"testing the boundaries" phase.

Plus, he's also a little constipated.

Now, you're talking my language.

I have some stuff that will blow his mind.

They used it to blast out the Chunnel.

Thank you, Lord Arthur.

Now, do you have any

special instructions for us?

Like, what the kids like to do,

what they like to eat.

Yes, Mom, great. Thank you.

First of all, they don't eat any sugar.

No Carvel?

That's the saddest thing

I've ever heard in my life.

We have tried to introduce

just a little bit of sugar...

and it was like going off the rails

of the crazy train.

Oh, my gosh!

And there's another subject

I'd like to discuss.

Sure, anything.

Your language.

He won't curse. I'll

break his freaking arm.

That's great, but that's not what I meant.

You see, there's a way

that we talk to our kids.

For instance, where you would say "No"...

we would say,

"Consider the consequences."

Or where you would say, "Don't"...

we would say, "Maybe you should try this."

Or where you would say...

"Quit your whining,

you're giving me a headache"...

we would say, "Use your words."

You see, that way, the child feels

that he has value, he has worth.

He is heard.

It's a way.

Let's order.

Great.

That's very good, but if you stay

inside the lines, it looks better.

Here, look at mine, see?

Dad, we don't really worry about lines.

Honey, draw whatever

your imagination tells you.

But what's the point

of having lines if you're just going to...?

Artie.

That's beautiful.

That's absolutely beautiful.

It's very avant-garde.

- Picasso.

- Exactly.

You didn't finish your dinner.

You know the great thing about Chinese...

I mean, Pan Asian food,

is that if you mush it all up it's...

What happened?

- What did you do?

- I don't know.

He doesn't like his food to touch.

I didn't know! Look, I'm un-smushing.

There's so much un-smushed Pan Asian.

- What?

- Use your words, Barker.

Use your words.

Farty ruined my food! Evil Farty.

Evil Farty, what have you done?

Mama! Dada!

Don't go!

I have to go.

Don't go!

Would you...? I'm trying to let go!

Don't go!

Don't go!

D- Don't go!

Just let go.

He's just so strong.

Let go, baby. Let go, baby.

- Just get in the car.

- I am trying.

Barker, honey, just...

- Get in the car.

- I love you.

I'm trying to get in the car!

Get in the car.

Bye.

No!

Drive.

Bye, honeybun.

Goodbye, goodbye.

Honey, stop!

Bye.

- Go.

- Yay!

I'll be home really soon.

No!

Barker's hyperventilating.

Stop the car, please.

- Go, go, go!

- Yay!

Give me your worst, worst case scenario.

Everybody dies.

Then anything short of that will be

a happy surprise.

Onward.

- Really go now.

- No!

Good heavens.

Time for breakfast.

Come on, we got to get to school.

Okay. Let's get this party started!

It's going to be great!

It's going to be awesome!

We are going to have so much fun.

This is going to be

the best week of your life!

- Right, Artie?

- Sure thing, Regis.

Okay. Here we go.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Oh, my gosh.

This is it, right?

Yeah. I'll see you on the other side.

These are done.

Hot skillet! Sorry.

All right. Here are your sausages.

Soysages.

Soysages? What are you, from the Bronx?

Did Mom leave my

eggless egg salad for lunch?

Eggless egg salad?

How would I recognize it?

The toast is ready.

Di, we have to make lunch!

I know. It's on the counter.

Make the sandwiches.

All right. My waffles, my waffles!

I got it.

Five second rule. Got it.

N- Not too much almond milk

in the c-cereal. It g-gets too wet.

- Is this the right amount?

- Uh-uh.

Well, eat fast.

Okay. Here you go.

You have to cut up the berries...

and put one piece in each hole

in the multigrain waffle.

This food can touch?

Eggless egg salad coming up.

Okay, put the lettuce,

hit it with the lettuce.

It's fine, they will never know.

No crust, no crust.

Now there's no sandwich.

Look what you made.

I like them, Carl likes them. Right, Carl?

And your opinion has value.

And, what's the other one?

Worth.

But I know from experience

that wearing heels can be tricky.

Especially during recess.

Wouldn't you and Carl

both be more comfortable in sneakers?

No.

Hey, what's going on?

We are going to be late.

It's Project Runway.

I tried handling

it like Alice said, but it's not working.

All right, get the other two

in the car, I'll handle this.

Artie.

It's okay. Let me try.

Take off those shoes

and I'll give you a dollar.

- Five.

- Two-fifty.

Deal.

Just punch in "go to school."

Why is this easier than

you just telling me how to get there?

- I heard that.

- Whoa! Whoa!

Is he in there?

It's Dad, and it's a recording.

It's just a little family joke.

Yeah, it's interesting

because, usually, jokes are funny.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes