Parental Guidance Page #4

But hey, why kill time laughing?

Okay, here you go.

- Thank you.

- What?

- "Go garage."

- Go garage.

Say it with force.

Go garage. Go garage.

Welcome back, Alice.

Mommy!

Alice, what happened? Where's Phil?

He's on his way to the airport.

I'm going to meet him in a few hours.

There's an 8:
00 flight tonight.

But...

One of my clients called.

They need me to update

their website immediately.

Can't it wait until you get back?

No, it's ESPN.

There's a crisis with the X Games.

You work for ESPN?

Yeah, I'm one of their web

designers. Honey, get in the backseat.

Really? I didn't know that.

It's interesting. ESPN. Really?

Nice school.

How long have you been working for ESPN?

About five years.

- Really?

- Mmm-hmm.

Turner...

Artie is going to pick

you up after school...

and take you to speech therapy today.

Wh-Wh-Where are you-you going to be?

Grandma and I are going

to buy Harper a dress.

Great.

Have a good day, you two.

See you later.

I can't believe I'm going to get a tardy.

Six tardies are an absent.

How many does this make?

One.

Does she seem a little tightly wound?

You know, she has HAS.

High Achievement Syndrome.

Did you make that up?

Yes.

Hurry up, I can't get a tardy.

I know she's a little tightly wound.

But we're working on it.

Work on it soon before she explodes.

W- W-Watch where you're going,

Tu-Tu-Tu-Turner.

S- S-Sorry.

Hey, did you see that?

Dad, no. No.

Turner's therapist says that he has

to work out peer conflicts on his own.

He has a therapist?

He had one,

and now he has a new one, Dr. Jimmy.

Also a kid?

No.

ESPN again. I need to get to a Wi-Fi.

Maybe I can use the one here.

Go ahead, I'll get Barker to school.

Are you sure?

Sure. What's the problem?

Okay.

Got the R-life.

But then pick me up here.

Don't leave me stranded.

Have I ever left you stranded?

Four times when I was a kid.

I love how you remember everything.

Okay, Barker, hop out.

I can't. I'm still buckled in.

Carl, unbuckle him.

Hello? He's at a doctor's appointment.

Stupid me. Okay.

Boy, this is harder than

one of your grandma's bras.

I'm going to be late.

I'm tr...

It works, okay? Your horn works.

I won't need this by the time you're done.

Here you go. Here.

Careful, he's a runner.

Bye, Farty.

One second.

- Hey, Ash.

- Hey, Cody.

- Did you get my Evite?

- Yep, I'm coming.

Cool.

This is my friend, Harper. This is Cody.

- Hey.

- Hi.

I'm having this birthday

thing Friday night.

There's going to be a DJ, and my parents

promised not to be ridiculously lame.

Right. Parents.

So, if you want to swing by,

that would be pretty cool.

Oh. Um...

I can't.

I got this thing the next day.

- She has a thing.

- I got a thing.

Okay. That's cool.

Yeah. No, it's super cool.

Well, if you change your mind,

just, you know...

Yeah. Totally, I'll...

Cool.

Bye.

Stop it.

Microwave on.

Garbage disposal on.

Vacuum cleaner on.

Oh, please, just let me do the dishes.

Welcome back,

Artie Decker.

What a morning.

It's 9 AM, I need a martini.

Tell me something.

Did you believe that story?

Absolutely not. What story?

Alice's work emergency.

You think she was lying?

Why couldn't that

work have been done at Hilton Head?

It's like she doesn't

trust us with her kids.

Like she thinks we're idiots.

By the way, where is she?

Where have you been?

I know.

You know, Harper, when I was your age...

this was my favorite time of the day,

right after school.

Why, what did you do?

We used to go to my friend Heidi's house...

put on her mother's clothes,

blast music and smoke.

Mom!

Don't smoke. Don't smoke.

Oh, Lulu, that was so great.

Honey, you're really

starting to take control...

and literally holding the reins.

Okay, Turner...

would you like to share?

Good work, Turner.

Awesome.

Super job, Lulu. See you next week?

Thank you.

That was really awesome.

I take it you're Turner's grandfather.

Hi.

I'm Artie Decker.

Cassandra.

You seem to be having some trouble

embracing our program, am I right?

Well, let me say first,

that I have professional experience

in this area.

Oh, wonderful.

Where did you receive your degree?

Oh, no degree. No.

I speak for a living.

I'm a baseball announcer.

Little different than a PhD

in speech therapy from Yale. Right?

Right. Yeah.

That's a point well taken.

But on the other hand,

I sat here for almost an hour...

and I saw these kids

do everything but speak.

So, are you training them to be mimes?

Because a lot of those jobs

are being shipped overseas.

"I'm walking, but there's wind,

"but there's no wind." You know?

Okay. I am employing

the Houghton method.

Now these kids, they're under

too much pressure to speak...

so we make it very clear that in

here, they need not say a word.

They're currently in a movement phase.

Yeah, I saw that.

They're moving everything but their lips.

And he wears these ear buds all the time.

What's that about?

He is listening to the words

that he has trouble with...

and then when

he's comfortable, he can repeat them.

And it's helping him a lot.

How can you tell?

Listen, I haven't seen the kid in a year...

and frankly, I don't see

any improvement at all.

What I see is my grandson is now Flight 38

from Salt Lake.

Hey, Turner!

Cassandra's just telling me

how great you're doing.

She sees so much improvement. It's great.

Sometimes I shouldn't move my lips.

I'm sorry.

That's not bad.

"Not bad"?

She looks like a 12-year-old widow.

- I do?

- You do.

But that's perfect

for a classical music program.

Well, what about this?

This is perfect for someone

with a cute little hiney.

I love it.

Mom, it's for a concert,

not to meet the fleet.

Hey, it's an audition,

and all auditions are alike.

"Get their attention!"

You sell the sizzle, not the steak.

That's how I got all

those weather girl jobs.

So, are you a trained meteorologist?

Trained?

Oh, honey, I had a tight

dress and a pointer.

I used to sing my forecasts.

As a matter of fact, sometimes your mom

used to sing them with me on TV.

Mom, you never even told me that!

I mentioned it.

Remember our winter song?

That was our best one.

No, I don't remember that one.

Sure you do.

We sang it 1,000 times.

I love you. Come on, please.

No one's watching.

Only for you.

Ready?

Button up your overcoat

in the wintry breeze

Take good care of yourself

'cause it's nine degrees!

Good job, Mom.

Do the spin.

Okay.

I'll never shop at Bloomingdale's again.

Aw! You still got it, kiddo.

That was great. Ah!

All right, now...

you've got to try this on.

I'm dying to see this on you.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Mom. She cannot wear

a cocktail dress to the audition.

I'd like to feel that

you're listening to me.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Did you say something?

No, no.

Look at this. This is a hot little number.

Oh, not for her. For me.

Cue the band.

Hey. What are you doing?

Guarding the door.

Can I go in?

Not today, sir.

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