Parental Guidance Page #5

Is he crying?

He doesn't cry, he makes the face.

I didn't mean to upset him.

You should've used your exit shoes.

My what?

Exit shoes, to walk away

and not use a red voice.

And a red voice is...?

Super-mad sounding.

You shouldn't use it. Never.

- Uh-huh.

- That's why you have a cool toolbox.

It's where you keep your cool blue voice,

your exit shoes and your repair squares.

Where did you learn all this?

Preschool.

You mean, there are more kids like you?

I'm doomed. All right, I'm going in there.

What's in it for me?

Thank you.

The little capitalist.

Hi, there.

All right, so I am taking a repair

square out of my cool toolbox...

to say in my blue voice, that I am sorry.

So, are we good now?

No.

- Would you like five dollars?

- No.

An unopened package

of men's size 34 underwear?

No.

Is there anything I can do

to make this right?

W- Well, th-there is one thing.

Aaargh!

They made six of these?

Oy.

Now, this is Artie's idea of fun.

Ooh! Look at that.

Who knew ice cream could be a cake?

Yeah. All right, now here's the deal.

Just little pieces...

and you don't tell Mommy

about the movie...

and I don't tell her about the cake.

Okay? All right? Deal? Friends again?

High five! All right.

Incoming

message. Urgent e-mail from "E-spen."

ESPN...

Pam Rosen.

You guys okay?

I will be right back.

Ms. Pam Rosen, please.

My name is Cal R. Life.

Yeah. L-Y-P-H-E-T. The "T" is silent.

What a great day.

It's like a birthday that came early.

It was a great day.

And my forecast for the rest of the week...

Sunny, sunny, sunny.

Back to you, Herb.

Oh, it's your dad, I'll be right in.

Hi!

Today is your lucky day, Ms. Rosen.

The catfish just jumped

right into your frying pan.

Yeah, Artie Decker, "De Voice" is in town.

He heard about your X Games

and he would love to audition.

I'm just walking in.

Video chat me in 2 minutes, okay?

Hi, Artie, we're back!

Did you have fun with the boys?

Look at this place!

We're going to have to call FEMA!

Cake.

- Where's Artie?

- He left!

He left?

If your mother sees this...

What's going on?

Hi.

What did you do?

I just got here!

You gave them cake?

I gave them slivers.

Why? Why, Artie?

Because he upset Turner at Speech Class.

- What?

- It was nothing.

I just asked a question.

"Why is nobody speaking?" That's all.

Hello, love!

I can't wait for

you to get here, me little rabbit.

Shh! Not now! Oh, my.

- Did he have a tattoo?

- Hmm?

Harper?

Mom! You lied to me!

Yogurt is not like ice cream!

No, honey.

Baby?

- My favorite!

- Harper!

Ooh!

This perfectly sums up

your entire approach to parenting.

We had an approach?

I don't know.

Would Artie and

Turner like to continue watching Saw?

You must be mistaken.

Saw, Rated R for strong graphic violence,

nudity and language.

No.

Why did he give them cake?

Because he does what he wants

and she defends him!

Where are the kids now?

Oh, I put them

on the treadmill until they calm down.

I told you my parents couldn't handle this.

Maybe it's just a case

of first-day, worst-day.

Oh.

Hey. You better hurry up.

You're going to miss your flight.

Honey, I don't think

that I should go today.

Maybe I should go tomorrow morning.

Okay. Yeah.

We'll still have four days together.

Okay.

You look good in cake.

What in the world is wrong with you?

What did I say?

What did I say to you?

Just talk to me. Don't yell.

I said, "Artie,

this is a second chance for us."

I said, "Artie, please behave."

I said, "Artie, I really want

those kids to love us!"

Or can't you remember

all the way back to yesterday?

Okay, that's what I did.

When the cake

went in their mouths they loved me!

Yeah, and now Alice

doesn't want to leave us alone with them.

She doesn't trust us!

She said that?

On the phone to Phil.

I accidentally overheard her

when I was listening at the door.

She thinks we're a pair of knuckleheads.

Especially you!

It's the bottom of the ninth, Artie.

We're going to lose the game.

Shape up.

Oh!

Wonderful. Oh!

Bravo.

Oh, wow! Harper, that was wonderful!

I stunk.

You most certainly did not!

Wasn't she wonderful?

No.

This will not be good enough

for your audition!

You must practice more!

When my daughter underperforms,

I shun her.

This girl should be shunned!

Practice, practice, practice!

Gee whiz.

Wasn't she the villain

in the last James Bond movie?

Oh! Sweetie, don't listen to her.

You know back in Amarillo,

when Artie was announcing there...

I got this audition

to be the local weather girl.

Well, I was so uptight.

Artie took me out the night before and we

both got bombed!

And the next day I got the job.

So, you're saying I should drink?

No, no, no. I'm not saying that.

I am saying that perhaps you could relax.

You could go out with your friends.

You could have some fun Friday night.

You know?

Friday, I was invited to a...

Oh.

No.

No, no, no!

I have three more days!

I have to practice! I have to...

I have to practice every second!

Doctor Schveer?

Yes?

Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot.

But I would like to let you know that...

if you ever speak

to my granddaughter like that again...

there will be nothing left of you,

but some red hair and an accent!

Is that clear, comrade?

Ooh! Thank you. Here you go.

Mmm!

Carcinogens.

Oh, the first one just laid a base.

This is the real thing.

I'm at the ballpark.

He likes baseball, huh?

Yeah, he likes lots of things.

He likes sports.

He likes science, he likes movies.

He likes cake.

Touch.

He's just hidden behind that... stutter.

Well, you know, kids have a way

of working these things out.

No, they don't, Dad.

That's why there's prison.

All right, guys, bring it in!

Bring it in! Get all those hands in there.

Come on.

Everybody on three. One, two, three...

Let's have fun!

I am so excited about this.

Let's play!

He's pitching!

Yeah.

He has a good arm.

Like Mom, like son.

Yeah, right.

No, you had a hose.

But then you hit puberty

and you got all girlie on me.

Well, gee, Dad,

I'm so sorry that I hit puberty.

I was so proud of you back then.

You were usually the only girl out there.

You used to stand up to those stinky boys.

Do you remember that summer

when you worked for me in the booth...

keeping score and doing stats?

You were so cute, sitting there

scrunched over your little pencil.

You never saw that ball coming, did you?

You could have yelled "Incoming."

I was on the air.

I didn't want to start a panic.

You do love that job.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Batter up!

Ah! This is that bully kid.

Yeah, Ivan.

I would so like to see

Turner strike him out.

Strike!

Strike one!

Hey, he is really good. He's really good.

Way to go, Turner!

Turner Simmons on the mound...

a young Cuban prospect

who escaped on a raft.

He's facing Ivan, a miserable child

who is loathed and despised by everyone.

Dad!

Swing and a miss! Strike two! Hoo-hoo!

One more strike and it's back

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