Parental Guidance Page #6

to the dugout

for this eight-year-old bullfrog.

Dad...

The yearbook said

Ivan is "Most likely to do time."

Simmons looks at him.

He shakes it off.

Here's the pitch.

Strike three!

You're out of there!

Lights out, Alice!

Way to go, Turner! Way to look!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Blue, Blue! That's three strikes!

One, two, three! Out of there!

Time!

It's okay!

This is my dad and he's new here!

Oh, okay. There are no outs in this game.

No outs? How is that possible?

They hit until they get on base.

- Seriously?

- Seriously.

- Dad, why don't we just sit down?

- Oh...

All right.

But you know that's kind of stupid!

Because if you just think of the song...

'Cause it's one, two,

three strikes, you're out...

at the old ball game

Not...

until you get a hit

He's right!

I hate these games! What's the point?

The point is for the kids

to enjoy the game without competition.

Yeah, but competition is the game.

You know, it's like life.

Let me ask you something.

I mean, how do you even

know who's winning?

In this league, we don't keep score.

Every game ends in a tie.

Oh, no.

No agony of defeat? Just

the thrill of a tie?

It's good they don't keep score!

Yeah, 'cause your kid stinks.

Oh, I will bust you up!

The old guy's right. It's boring.

See?

It is not boring!

They're children and they're having fun!

And there's plenty of time

in their lives to keep score!

- And you are out!

- No, I'm not.

Oh, yeah. Turner, you struck him out.

- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did.

- You're out.

- No, I'm not!

- You're out!

- No, I'm not!

- Three strikes, you're out!

- No, I'm not!

Barker, what's going on?

Farty is going crazy.

Again?

- You're out!

- No, you're out!

Ivan, no hitting!

Use your words!

Yes, Mom.

I'm angry that you said I was out.

Well, it's not boring anymore.

How is this Artie's fault?

All I saw was

that little monster grab a baseball bat...

and hit your father in his...

special place.

Well, you didn't see what led up to it.

Oh!

- It was my fault.

- Oh, honey.

You threatened her violin teacher?

She says "threatened."

I say "defended my granddaughter."

- Phil?

- Hey.

Hey, we won. I won!

I won! Can you believe it?

Oh, my gosh!

That's fantastic! That's fantastic!

- Daddy won!

- Congrats, Dad!

So, they're

giving me the award tomorrow night.

When are you getting here?

You don't know

what's going on here. It's madness.

We can't leave our children

with my parents.

So, what are you saying?

That you're not coming?

Phil, please listen to me.

Try to understand.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. I understand perfectly.

All right. Um...

See you when I get back.

Okay. We're going home.

No.

No?

Artie and the kids are going home.

I am taking you to the airport.

What?

Alice, your dad and I have

bent over backwards

to try to do things your way.

You haven't bent over at all.

Oh, I'm bent. Believe me, I'm bent.

Now, look. You asked us to come here

and take care of our grandchildren...

and you haven't given

us the chance to do it.

You have been on our backs,

especially your dad's...

ever since we got here!

Okay, take his side,

because you always do anyway.

And for a good reason.

Because after your kids grow up,

your husband is the one who stays.

Alice, I know

you're trying to be a perfect parent...

but, honey, there's no such thing.

And frankly, you need to show Phil...

he's not just their father,

he's also your husband.

Alice, I'm your mom.

Take it from me, I really get it.

"Love the man, love the dream."

Well, your husband's dream

is coming true...

and part of that dream

is you being there with him!

How can you not go?

Oh, honey, you have to go.

You're going!

What about my clothes?

I don't think he wants you in clothes.

Besides, your luggage is already there.

Hey, kids, Mommy's finally going.

What about my audition?

I'll take care of it! It'll be fantastic!

See you at the ranch.

Oh, no. Bye!

This is a happy day.

Oh, happy day

Could you drive? I don't feel good.

Gonna stand

there gawking? Gonna let me in?

No score here in the bottom

of the seventh with 2 outs.

The Giants and the Atlanta

Braves locked into a pitching duel.

Lincecum and Hudson,

both have been fantastic.

As Buster Posey steps in,

takes a strike in the inside corner.

I got to tell you friends,

this is one of those nights...

smell of the popcorn, the hot dogs...

all of those clichs,

but I'll tell you something...

there's no other place I'd rather be.

Posey hits

a line drive to third and that'll do it.

That's it, no score through seven.

We'll be back. This is Artie Decker,

De Voice of the Giants.

Reminder:
No school today.

You have tickets for the symphony.

What's wrong with your face?

Oh, and you're such

a pleasure in the morning?

You're not going to like this.

Barker!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Is it coming off?

Well, not exactly.

Sorry, Farty.

Mmm-hmm.

Let's go!

I gotta go number two!

I gotta go number two!

No, we're already late!

Artie, just take him.

All right. Okay, batter up! Let's go.

No, no, he can hold it, guys.

He's fine, he can hold it!

The symphony starts at two!

Quarter?

Not today, thank you.

Okay.

- Hey, buddy.

- Sorry!

So sorry.

That's not human.

- Hurry up!

- Yeah.

Okay. Here we go.

Yeah.

Okay, there you go.

I can't sit on that.

I'll give you 10 bucks.

Daddy always sings to me.

Hmm.

Come out, come out, Mr. Doodie...

and swim in the swimming pool

I know it's dark where you're hiding...

but out here it's really cool

Come on, come on, Mr. Doodie...

'cause we've got something to do

And if you hurry...

you'll meet Carl the kangaroo

Yes!

Hey, buddy, can you keep singing?

Come out, come out, Mr...

Come on.

He's still out there! We're okay!

We're okay!

Nothing's the matter.

Thank you very much.

This way. Come on, honey.

Oh, we made it.

Big crowd. Must be helmet night.

It wasn't that funny.

Carl and I want to leave.

Don't leave your seat.

You said "don't."

Consider the consequences, mister.

Shh!

It's not me, it's him.

I'm sorry. Kids.

Barker? Barker?

Hey, come back here!

Don't go "no". Yes! Get.

Ow!

Who brings a child to Tchaikovsky?

Me. Voodoo-man. Ha!

Carl, come on!

- Gr-Grandma?

- Yes, dear?

Artie's ch-chasing Barker.

Oh, that's nice, dear.

What?

Ow!

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Excuse me. Barker! Get back here!

- Stop it!

- Barker!

Oh, my...!

Where is he?

- Over there!

- Barker!

Barker!

Carl!

Get over here!

Let's see.

- Artie?

- I'm sorry!

I can't take this anymore!

This whole "teachable moments"

and protecting their self-esteem...

and nobody gets punished!

And every game ends in a tie!

All I hear is

"Use your words. Use your words".

But the word

they never use with these kids is "no"!

Come on, Mr. Decker.

The other patients

are waiting for you in Arts and Crafts.

One second.

I am very sorry for what happened here.

Just split it with her.

Thank you.

Savages.

Well, he'll be there.

Yeah, Artie Decker.

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