Party Games for Adults Only Page #2

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I have been appointed Secretary to the Cabinet.

Secretary to the Cabinet? Why, what did you think?

I... I thought... I thought...

Sorry about crying. I'm not myself today, a little tired.

Overwrought. Things have been, you know...

I am so sorry.

Perhaps as Cabinet Secretary designate

I should suggest some lightening of the load...

No, no. Don't misunderstand me. I'm fine, fine! Good, good.

So, you're going to be Cabinet Secretary. Yes.

Cabinet Secretary! Mm-hmm.

Secretary to the Cabinet! YES!

That's a great honour. Congratulations. Thank you.

'Course, that means that you and I... Alas, yes.

How shall I manage? Probably even better without me.

Yes, I probably... No, no, certainly not, no!

You're going to do for the PM what you've always done to me.

For me!

PM's right-hand man.

Advising on issues. Quite so.

And, er, and people, no doubt.

Minister?

Humphrey... Yes, Minister?

I want you to know I think you've been absolutely wonderful.

Highest admiration for all you've done

Wonderful work. Wonderful work.

Finest tradition of the service. Minister, you're too kind.

I just hope you feel that I... In my...

When things are... Well, it...

If it should come up, er...

I think we've made a jolly good team here, you and I?

I couldn't have wished for a better Minister

Humphrey, you're too kind!

When are you going to tell the staff?

On Friday evening, just before it's promulgated.

I will bid them farewell at the Christmas party

And sad. Sad, yes, sad.

Terribly sad.

Enjoying yourself? Yes, thank you, Minister.

Enjoying yourself? Yes, Minister. Lovely party.

Yes, it's frightfully good fun. Always good to let your hair down.

Right, now I think it's time I said a few words.

This is a very, very special occasion for us all.

Peace on Earth, goodwill to all men.

Sorry, persons!

Good to have this little get-together who've served me, er...

...worked with me... for me... no, with me

here at the Department of Adminis...

...Ministry of Administr...

...at the DAA.

We're a team, like the Cabinet, except we're all on the same side...

Not that the Cabinet... Well, I meant... really, the shadow Cabinet.

Let's keep politics out of this. Season of goodwill.

That's why Parliament doesn't sit over Christmas!

Season of goodwill. Even to one's officials!

Well, what can I say? Humphrey.

(BERNARD) Sir Humphrey Appleby! (ALL) Sir Humphrey Appleby!

Thank you. I'd just like to thank you all for

all the hard work you've done all these years.

Occasion like this engenders a certain emotional ambiguity

What's he ambigulous about? While one is, one should say,

honoured by the cause of departure, saddened by the fact

in particular leave the service of a Minister without parallel

I say, that's jolly decent.

A unique partnership. Absolutely unique.

So I should end by wishing a happy Christmas to you all,

In particular to a Minister in the brief time with us

we've watched grow in standing, stature and sureness of touch.

So, seasonal felicitations to you all,

Do remember the Home Secretary's campaign for the holiday:

Don't drink and drive this Christmas.

I'll drink to that! ...Oh, dear, I'm sorry!

I do wish you'd let me drive, Jim. I'm driving perfectly stably.

True, but we have to get home before dawn!

Good evening, Cinstable. Happy Crispsmas.

May I see your licence, sir? Certainly.

Aren't you Mr Jim Hacker? That's right.

What's trouble? Why you driving so slowly?

I didn't want the kerb to hit me...

I didn't want to hit the kerb.

Look, I've got a silver badge somewhere.

I see. Perhaps Constable Evans can drive you

It's all right, Officer. I'll drive.

OK, Mrs Hacker. If you're in a proper state to drive.

I don't drink, Officer. Well, not when my husband's driving.

Nor do I, hardly.

There we are. Nice little place you have here, Humphrey.

Thank you. You handled your first Cabinet meeting well.

What was it like sitting next to the PM? Do sit down, Minister.

I've asked you to drop in for a coffee because

the Home Office informs me of a traffic incident.

Yes, I see. It's entirely your own affair...

Precisely. But the PM takes a grave view.

He feels Ministers should set an example

You're not ticking me off, are you?

I'm only a servant a humble functionary.

But I need to assure the Home Office it won't occur again.

What silver badges for? It's a special privilege, Minister.

Pass through police cordons and park in prohibited areas

It is not to protect drunks who drive cars.

I will not be lectured by a functionary

I'm a Minister of the Crown. Yes, of course. I do apologise.

I will inform the Crown of the incident if that is your wish.

I...

Now I think of it, you can tell the Home Office I take the point.

Thank you, Minister. Does the Home Secretary himself know?

It hardly matters.

I'm afraid the Home Secretary has not been as lucky as you were,

which is why he wasn't at Cabinet.

He initiated "Don't drink and drive" campaign

and ordered the police to "get tough".

Well, unfortunately...

he, too, was picked up last night for drunken driving

Have you seen the first edition of the Standard?

Where on earth was his security man? He'd given him the slip.

You know how cunning these drunks can be.

Couldn't they have hushed it up? Silver badge job?

His case was rather different. He caused a lorry to overturn

It was full of nuclear waste.

rebounded into a car driven by the editor of a local newspaper.

Oh, no.

Inevitably, it leaked out. The nuclear waste?

No, the story.

The Home Secretary will have to resign. Alas, yes.

What will happen to him? Well...

I gather he was as drunk as a lord

so after a discreet interval, they'll probably make him one!

He's obviously been held up.

You can stamp some cards if you like.

Aren't they to constituents? Yes.

That's political activity. I'm not allowed to help.

If they're to journalists? That'd be OK.

They're to journalists. Fine.

Licking is essential of relationships with the press.

I hear the reshuffle is about to be announced.

It's my best chance of finding out where Jim is.

There was no question of American military involved.

We've j'ust had a newsflash from Number 10 Downing Street.

The Prime Minister is to retire early in the New Year.

He does not want to serve in another Parliament,

giving his successor a good run-up to the next election.

We'll bring you further news as soon as we can.

(ALL) Have you heard? (ALL) Yes!

The emergency Cabinet meeting was to tell us. Why so suddenly?

He said to give his successor a good run-up to the next election

so that can't be the reason.

Why, then? Some extraordinary rumours are going about.

The left say he's a secret CIA agent.

The right say he's a secret KGB agent

Minister, I've heard something quite different,

that there is ? million-worth of diamonds from South Africa

in a Downing Street safe,

but it's only a rumour. Is that true?

Yes.

So, there ARE all those diamonds in Downing Street!

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