Party Games for Adults Only Page #3

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Are there? You said there were!

I didn't. You did!

I said is the rumour true, you said yes!

True it's a rumour.

You heard it was true! True I heard it!

Sorry to cut in, but do you believe it?

I believe I heard it.

Oh, about the diamonds? No. Is it impossible?

No, but it's never been officially denied.

First rule of politics: Never believe anything until it's officially denied.

Will there be a general election? There's no need.

The majority's big enough. We'll just choose a new leader.

Do you want the job? Me? No chance!

It'll either be Eric or Duncan.

It should have been Ray. He was Deputy Leader.

But as he's had to resign as Home Secretary...

Of course! That's why the PM resigned! (BERNARD) Why?

He's always hated Ray. He just hung on

to make sure his deputy didn't get the leadership!

Like Attlee and Morrison.

So it is to give time for the new leader to be run in?

Now that the Home Secretary's been run in

Eric wants my support for the leadership.

He could be the right man. He's been a fairly successful Chancellor.

I've already indicated that I'm... on his side.

What about Duncan? Yes, Duncan could be the man.

He's done fairly well at the Foreign Office.

I think I'll support Duncan

You're supporting Eric AND Duncan?

It's all very well, but if I support Eric and Duncan gets it, that's it.

If I support Duncan and Eric gets it

that's it. Don't support either!

Whoever gets it, that's it. So who are you supporting?

Duncan.

Or Eric.

Duncan's so divisive. It really would be for the good of the party,

the good of the country... Eric, I don't see how I can.

Your support would be crucial. You're universally popular...

I don't know... Good public image...

Yes... Regarded as sound.

Am I? So, if you put your weight behind me...

You see my problem as chairman of the party.

What would happen if Duncan got it? Disaster! Well...

Tell you what. I wouldn't keep him at the Foreign Office.

I'd look for a new Foreign Secretary.

But as I said, I must appear impartial.

But if there could be ways of hinting at my support for you...

...in a perfectly impartial way...

But Duncan, as chairman of the party...

As such you carry even more weight.

You haven't got any real enemies. Not yet, anyway.

But it's my job to be impartial.

If Eric got into Number 10 it'd be catastrophic. Yes...

Jim, we're on the same side, aren't we?

Yes. Good.

I'm going to win and I never forgive people who let me down.

I can't make my support too public.

It doesn't have to be public, just so long as everybody knows.

Then when I'm in Number 10, and Eric's in Northern Ireland...

we know who'll be the next Chancellor, don't we? Do we?

You mean...?

Unless you fancy Northern Ireland yourself?

How are things at the Campaign for the Freedom of Information?

Sorry, I can't talk about that.

So, will the new PM be our eminent Chancellor

or our distinguished Foreign Secretary?

Well, which do you think it should be?

Difficult. Like asking which lunatic should run the asylum.

Trouble is, they're both interventionists with notions

if they became PM. Have we any allies?

Quite a few, the Chief Whip particularly.

He's worried that who gets the job will

antagonise the other's supporters

and split the party. So we need a compromise candidate.

Hmm. Malleable.

Flexible. Likeable.

No firm opinions. No bright ideas.

Not intellectually committed. No strength of purpose to change anything.

Someone who can be manipulated, professionally guided.

leave the business of government in the hands of the experts.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear! It's impossible.

A lot would welcome a less-interventionist leader.

Not the other two candidates! They might be persuaded.

What, to stand aside?

Yes. Have you seen their Ml5 files?

No. Always send for Cabinet Ministers' Ml5 files

if you enjoy a good laugh!

Oh, Bernard. Sir.

Just... Thank you very much.

Do sit down. Thank you.

Happy New Year, by the way. Thank you.

Right.

So...

...this is our very last piece of DAA business

Yes, I'm afraid so, Sir Humphrey.

Ah, well.

Bernard, just let me ask you something.

What would you say to your present master...

...as the next Prime Minister?

The Minister? Yes.

Mr Hacker? Yes.

As Prime Minister? Yes.

Are you in a hurry?

Just checking it's not April 1st.

you mean your Minister is not up to Prime Minister?

Oh, no, Sir Arnold, it's not for me to, er...

Well, I mean... Of course, I'm... I'm sure he's, er...

Oh, gosh!

There are many advantages in the appointment.

For Britain. For Britain.

Yes, well, yes... So we trust you

to ensure your Minister does nothing incisive

or divisive over the next few weeks.

Expresses no firm opinion about anything.

is that clear? I think that's what he was planning anyway.

What's it all for, Bernard?

What are we all doing? What does it all mean?

I didn't read theology, Minister.

The waste of it all. Take that EEC reception last night.

Humphrey introduced me to an official

who pays farmers to produce surplus food

and then another official who pays to destroy the surpluses.

Then they pay thousands of bureaucrats to make it all work.

Doesn't the futility of it all depress you?

Not really. I'm a civil servant.

I've been talking to Eric and Duncan.

I think I've promised to support Eric's candidature.

I see. Then I think I promised to support Duncan's.

That sounds very even-handed, Minister.

But I can't keep both promises. Sherry?

Thank you. They were only political promises.

Yes... What do you mean?

I mean, like your manifesto promises, people understand.

Yes.

But non of them made any categorical promises to me.

Then you have no problem. Have decide who to support.

It's not just picking the winner. My support could tip the balance.

Do I want to be Foreign Secretary or Exchequer?

Neither, do you? Why not?

They're both such terrible jobs!

You're talking about two of the top three Cabinet jobs.

I realise that.

As a civil servant, you don't understand politics. Sorry.

To be a success, you have to be in the limelight.

You have a very high profile as Chancellor of the Exchequer

You see now, don't you? But with respect, Minister...

The Chancellor is Mr Killjoy. Raising taxes on beer and cigarettes

cutting down public spending goes badly with electorate.

Maybe I don't want to be Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Unless you're sent to the Foreign Office as punishment.

Punishment? It's an even worse job.

No votes in Foreign Affairs? Exactly.

The FCO loves foreigners, but the British people don't.

Quite.

As far as world politics goes, the Foreign Office is an irrelevance.

We've no real power. We're just an American missile base!

Yes, Minister.

Between the devil and the deep blue sea.

Unless... Of course, there is one other option.

What other option? Do the middle job.

Home Secretary? Responsible for all the muggings, race riots?

No, thank you! No, be the one who takes all the credit.

What do you mean? You mean...?

You don't mean...?

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