Party Games for Adults Only Page #4

---

You do mean...?

How's it all looking from the Chief Whip's office?

You know, If Eric gets it

we'll have a party split in three months.

If it's Duncan, it'll take three weeks.

Geoffrey, the PM's asked me to take you into my confidence.

I shouldn't tell you but there are security question marks

over both the current candidates.

What question marks? Alas, I can say no more.

The only person I can disclose this to in the PM's absence,

and as it is a party matter, is the chairman of the party.

Jim Hacker. He's promised to join us.

But do you think the party can find a compromise candidate?

Could be half a dozen. Have you considered the chairman?

Jim Hacker?!

Jim Hacker...

Yes, it is possible, isn't it?

After all, there have been less likely Prime Ministers.

Yes...

Who?

Oh, there must have been!

Sorry

Yes? Oh, all right. Send him in.

Minister, so good of you to call.

Henry. Morning.

Do sit down. Minister...

...I have a problem and I need your help.

Oh, dear! Can't you run the country on your own?

It is a rather grave matter, I'm afraid. Yes, of course.

About the election. The PM felt we had to call you in.

That bad, eh?

There are certain items of confidential information

In theory might be susceptible of interpretation,

do nevertheless contain a sufficient element of ambiguity,

were they to be presented in a less than generous manner,

might be a source of great embarrassment and even hazard

to impinge upon the deliberations of more sensitivity.

I'm sorry?

About security question marks. Security? What do you mean?

Secrets. I know what security means.

But what do you mean? I'm not allowed to know.

Why not? Security.

Since in the PM's absence you are deputising on party matters,

I can show you the file on the Chancellor of the Exchequer?

Technically, I can't show you any of it, but, er...

under the circumstances, I can show you relevant items.

Here's a summary of the reports from the security services.

Special Branch...

There we are.

Interview with his driver.

And the PM's confidential memo.

Strictest secrecy, of course. Of course.

Dirty old...!

You wouldn't have thought he had the time,

a workaholic like Eric.

I've found that people who are highly active in one area

tend to be equally active in all the others.

You wouldn't think he went in for...

I understand the current expression is horizontal jogging

All this was some time ago and it doesn't seem very conclusive.

That's why the PM thought it all right for him to be Chancellor.

But the Yugoslavian one and the two South Africans,

not to mention the shady lady from Argentina...

And it's thought she's just a cover anyway. Cover? What for?

Good heavens!

If all these ladies were just covers

what on earth were his real requirements?

I really can't tell you. Ooh!

So it was thought that Foreign Office might be too delicate.

I can see that! Then, if he were PM...

Head of security services as well. It's unthinkable.

You're saying it's got to be Duncan.

I was coming to that. This is his file.

Special Branch again.

Then we have the Fraud Squad...

Inland Revenue...

Bank of England foreign exchange division...

How much do you want?

All this was technically legal at the time, wasn't it?

Yes but it ruled him out of consideration for the Treasury.

How did they get all this Ml5?

let's just say it's all been gone into quite enough.

Like the shady lady!

Isn't it all astounding? I don't know. I haven't seen it

Don't think me foolish. Oh, Minister, perish the thought

Geoffrey. Why are you here? We dare not allow these scandals.

If they are, it would embarrass the country and the party

if either of them became head of government.

We can't be caught with our trousers down. Like Eric!

I see.

Yes, this is serious.

Very serious. Very serious.

What happens if one them became PM? Something very serious

Very serious. I see.

Serious repercussions... Serious repercussions...

...of the utmost seriousness.

Yes, that is serious.

I would say that it could hardly be more serious.

Well, I think we're all agreed, then, this is serious.

Yes.

What happens now?

The party needs to agree on another candidate, quick.

The Chief Whip wondered if you had any ideas As Party Chairman

Well, it's rather difficult.

You're looking for a potential Prime Minister.

Someone who's sound. Yes.

Likeable.

Flexible.

Yes. Normal.

Solvent. Yes.

And acceptable to both wings of the party.

And someone who understands how to take advice

Yes. Well...

Gosh! Who can I suggest?

Have you thought of doing the job yourself? Me?!

Why not? Wouldn't you want to be Prime Minister?

I'd love to be, but... It's a very big job

I'm not sure I could. Prime Minister!

Perhaps He feels he's not Prime Ministerial calibre.

There isn't any doubt about that, Humphrey

No, not in my mind. But you seem hesitant.

Modesty forbids. But I have no doubt I can do the job.

Modestly put. There's only one fly in the ointment.

You're a bit of an outsider

Can you organise some public success in the next few days?

A tall order. I'm up to my neck in the Euro sausage!

Won't it be enough to let people know I want the job?

Quite the reverse! Better to let people know you DON'T want it.

Would that be enough? If you tell everybody that, yes.

Leave it to me. Say you have no ambitions in that direction.

Supposing somebody says, "Do you refuse to stand?"

the media try to trap you. It's not my place, but

previously answer was "While one does not seek the office

"one has pledged oneself to the service of one's country,

"and if friends persuade one that was the best way to serve

"one might have to accept the responsibility

whatever one's own private wishes might be."

"...private wishes might be." Yes, I think I've got that.

So, it's a three-way election, then.

it should be an unopposed. Unity sits well with the public.

The party will welcome that. Eric and Duncan won't!

Eric and Duncan must be persuaded to withdraw.

Oh. You mean you'll have a word with them

I can't. I haven't seen the files.

Humphrey, then. No, it's an internal party matter.

It would be most improper. Well, who...

You don't mean...?

I can't! No one else can.

You want me to tell one of my colleagues

he's a swindler and the other he's a pervert!

Say you don't believe they've done anything wrong.

Just let them know you know something.

They'll tell me to mind my own business!

Then you say, as Chairman, it's your duty

to see the information reaches those who need to know.

The Party Executive, major contributors,

elder statesmen, patrons, the Palace, perhaps.

Tell them they have no alternative but to pull out

and support someone who will protect them.

You want me to protect them?

It's nobody else's business as long as security's not involved.

I don't have the stomach. You have no choice. you know.

Nobody else knows. Let's just forget all about it!

That would be very courageous. Courageous? Why?

If later emerged you had the information and suppressed it

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes