Party Games for Adults Only Page #5

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You mean you'd leak it? Covering up for your chums...

Greater love hath no man than should lay down his career.

Humphrey, you're threatening me!

No, Minister, I'm helping you.

You see there's one other quality Prime Ministers need.

The killer instinct.

The killer instinct.

Yes.

Ah, thanks.

Well, here's to Number 10, eh? Thanks... I mean, yes.

What's up, Jim?

Duncan...

...I have a problem. You're not going to support me.

Yes. No. Yes, no?

Exactly.

Some information has come my way.

Oh, yes? Serious information.

Concerning your...financial operations. I beg your pardon?

The collapse of Continental and General. just bad luck.

The transfer of funds to directors' nominee companies.

There's nothing wrong with that. Technically, but...

in conjunction with a similar case at Offshore Securities?

Where did you get this? Sorry, if you're running for PM

I shall share what I know with senior party members.

there'd have to be an enquiry by Inland Revenue,Fraud Squad

None of that need matter if it's all above-board.

And I'm sure it is, if you say so, Duncan.

There was nothing improper. Good, then I'm free to talk about it,

bring it all out into the open. Hold on!

Financial matters can be misinterpreted.

How true.

Look, Jim, I'm not sure that I really want Number 10.

Foreign Office is a better job. But I won't support Eric.

Suppose Eric didn't get it?

How about transfer all your support to someone else?

Who?

It would have to be somebody who recognised your qualities,

who'd want you to stay at the Foreign Office.

Someone who could be discreet about Continental and General.

Someone you could trust.

An old friend.

Do you mean you?

Me? I have absolutely no ambition in that direction.

You DO mean you!

I see. You do realise this is serious, Eric?

Yes. And you're not going to help me, right? Yes.

You are or you're not? Yes.

Jim! I'm going to help you, but not to become PM.

You said you were. Until I heard about the lady from Argentina.

And others. I see.

As Party Chairman I have my duty.

It'd be a disaster if you became PM and all this came out.

I wouldn't care to have to explain it to Her Majesty.

Would you?

I'll withdraw.

I think that's very sensible.

So we'll say no more about it to anyone.

Thanks, Jim.

So Duncan will get Number 10. Not if I can help it.

Who, then? Cheers.

You don't mean YOU? Me?

Annie and I are hoping to spend more time together.

You DO mean you!

Minister. Humphrey, what's the hurry?

I've arranged a meeting with the European Commissioner.

Maurice? He flew out this morning.

His flight's been delayed. So?

We might persuade him to solve our sausage problem.

How? (PHONE RINGS)

Excuse me... Yes?

Oh, yes, ask him to come in, will you? Thank you.

Leave it to me.

Just, er, just give me support when I ask for it.

Ah, Maurice, how nice to see you. Humphrey.

You know each other. Jim, to what do I owe this pleasure?

The Minister asked me to arrange this meeting

to see if you could help us with a problem. Problem.

Of course.

The problem is EEC is becoming unpopular over here.

Isn't that so? Very unpopular.

You want to restore its image? Yes.

No. No.

The Minister feels there would be more votes...

He would be better expressing the views of the British

by joining the attack than leaping to its defence.

Exactly. But your party's committed to support us!

The Minister's point, as I understand it,

is that the commitment is to the concept and the treaty.

Treaty. It's not committed to the institutions,

nor to the practices, nor to individual policies.

The Minister was giving me an example the other day.

About food production. Oh, yes.

One of your officials pays farmers to produce surplus food

while the next office pays people to destroy the surpluses.

That's not true! No?

It's not the next office, not even the same floor!

The Minister has hundreds of similar examples. Hundreds.

The Minister is starting to think that a member of the Cabinet

ought to start telling the British people about them.

But that would be intolerable!

Even the Italians wouldn't stoop that low!

Italians aren't redesignate salami as high-fat offal tubing.

And what are you proposing?

we are committed to harmonisation. We cannot call it sausage.

What do you suggest?

Well, politics is about presentation.

Why don't we call it "the British sausage"?

British sausage? Saucisse Anglaise.

Salsiccia Inglese. Britisherwurst.

Yes, I think we could... recommend that to the Commission.

Splendid!

The Minister's always said the EEC is a splendid institution.

Splendid!

The European correspondents are here now. Good. Let 'em in.

Send them in.

This is about the Euro sausage problem? That's right, Bernard.

That you've solved it. No, Bernard.

Solved problems aren't news. Bad news is good news.

I'm not give them a non-story. I'll give a disaster today

and a triumph tomorrow. I see.

Good morning, gentlemen! (ALL) Morning.

Do sit down. Good of you to come.

This is on a lobby basis, non-attributable.

We've got some trouble coming up with Brussels.

Somebody's going to tell you so I might as well tell you myself.

Brussels is about to make the British sausage illegal

under EEC regulations. Minister...

...not making the sausage illegal, just the name

Thank you, Bernard. I'll deal with that later.

What do you mean, "illegal"? Effectively illegal.

pork sausage will contain 75% pork. The same for beef sausage.

75% lean pork too?

75% lean beef.

make it a luxury food. When's this being promulgated?

Next month, probably. They'll deny it

tell you they're just discussing changing its name.

What is the government going to do? I just don't know.

It's a big problem. I won't pretend we've got an answer.

Well, I must rush. Any more questions?

When can we use this? Tomorrow, as far as I'm concerned.

Bernard will give you a drink in the press office.

You realise the press will print something isn't true?

Really?

How frightful!

Today's story about the European ban on the British sausage

has caused a maj'or political storm.

Westminster say the sausage could be another banana skin.

Adds to the government's problems with the succession

The two obvious candidates for the leadership

represent the extreme wings of the party.

Pressure is mounting for them to withdraw

in favour of a compromise candidate.

No other contender seems to have caught the public imagination.

Now sport... Turn it off, Donald.

Is it true about the compromise candidate? I believe so.

Where DO they get their information? I can't imagine, Bernard!

Anyway, I never said compromise. I said moderate.

Incidentally, why are BBC TV

and ITN covering your speech this evening?

I can't imagine, Bernard.

I know fire policy in government is important but...

Someone suggested I was going to raise other issues as well.

Who? I can't imagine, Bernard.

I am a good European. I believe in the European ideal.

Never again shall we repeat the bloodshed of the two world wars.

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