Passport to Pimlico Page #6

through the sloping vineyards,

and we would come to an old Roman

ruin called the Temple d'Amour,

- Hm?

- The Temple of Love.

I see. And there the walk ends

and I succumb to your gallant charm.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Because my

intentions, they are most honourable.

I would talk to you about my job

at the hotel, my income, my prospects,

- No funny business at all?

- Absolutely none.

- No'?

- No.

Let's go in.

Hi, you two! Hullo there!

- What is it, Dad?

- Gentleman here to see the Duke!

Oh.

Well, I'm really glad.

Course, I always knew you people would

have to recognise us sooner or later.

- Ah, here is the Duke.

- Ah, Your Excellency.

Allow me to present my credentials.

But I'm not the ruler now.

No, they've asked me to form a cabinet.

- Oh, long live democracy!

- Vive l'Angleterre!

- Vive la France!

- What next'?

Well, you will understand that after

today's incident on the underground,

His Majesty's Government

does not feel inclined to negotiate

with a pistol at its head.

Now that we've come down to brass

tacks, I can guarantee there'll be no...

His Majesty's Government has a traditional

dislike of unilateral guarantees.

It has therefore felt itself compelled,

most reluctantly,

to close the frontier

as from 10AM tomorrow.

- Close the frontier?

- What about us?

A church hall has been equipped

for the evacuation of all those who...

- Church hall?

- Evacuation?

What about our treasure?

Well, for the time being, that can be

moved to the Bank of England.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm not moving anyway.

I beg your pardon?

If the Nazis couldn't

drive me out of my home

with all their bombs

and rockets and doodlebugs,

you don't catch me packing up now!

Hear, hear!

I trust you realise that

the alternative is complete isolation?

Power politics, eh?

I have merely explained the position.

I cannot do more.

I do hope that moderation will prevail.

Moderation? He's an optimist.

You're barmy, the lot of you.

We've had a good run and this is it.

That's OK, Jim. If you want to turn

it in, nobody is going to stop you.

But we're not going to stand for that.

You can't push English people around

like sacks of potatoes.

English?

Don't you come that stuff, Jim Garland.

We always were English

and we always will be English.

And it's just because we are English

that we're sticking out

for our right to be Burgundians.

Hear, hear!

- Good night.

- Good night.

Well, you've burned

your boats now all right.

Ha-ha! I have?

You haven't done so bad yourself.

Worried?

No, never felt less worried in my life.

That's right, we'll show 'em.

Only, what?

That's what I want to know.

Yeah, you're not the only one.

'The closing of

the frontier at ten o'clock this morning

'marks the deadline

for the 19 families of Burgundy.

'They have the choice of accepting

the Government's evacuation offer

'or of subjecting themselves

and their children

'to the hardships

of what would be virtually a siege.'

Come along, children.

Good old Steve! Have a bash!

Binny, tell your Auntie Flo

about your heat rash.

Now, Charlie, you tell the driver

when you're going to be sick.

'Attention, please. Attention, please.

'Anyone who wishes to leave this area

'has precisely two minutes

in which to do so.'

Just a minute.

You need a passport to get in here.

Oi. What's the big idea?

I'm with you, mate.

I was born here. My mother just told me.

Honest? Come on in, then.

'The frontier

will be closed in precisely one minute.

'This is your last chance.'

'Save your breath, mate.

'We've made up our minds

and we're stopping right where we are.'

'I'll thank you not to interrupt me.'

'I'll thank you

not to raise your voice to me, sir.'

'If I can't raise my voice

in my own country...'

'We're sick and tired of

your voice in this country. Now, shut up!'

'I beg your pardon?'

'I said shut up!'

'Shut up yourself!'

- I told 'em, didn't I?

- Here comes "The Fourth Programme".

Give us a glass of water.

Don't you know there's a siege on?

Cor, look at that,

the siege of Burgundy.

I'd like to see that.

Look at them pictures.

She took my last coppers.

- They ought to have let us in free.

- Get in your seat.

'This week's exclusive

camera report tells of growing tension

'on both sides of Burgundy's

self-imposed iron curtain.

'For the first time since World War ll,

'Britain's party politics

have been forgotten.

'The nation's leaders

have come together

'to seek a solution

to this unprecedented crisis.

'Burgundy has enlarged its own privy

council to grapple with affairs of state.

'Presiding over it is the Duke,

'who has decided to remain with his

people in their national emergency.

'At last, after 500 years, Burgundy

has avenged her ancient defeat

'in the bloodless battle

of the underground,

'has stepped once more

into the pages of the history book.

'And today this newest brother

of the world democracies

'is hammering out its internal policy.

'Under the inspiration

of its ancient leader,

'Burgundy adopts to the new way of life.

'Rationing is severe,

'and food from every home in Burgundy is

stored in the cellars of the state pub.

'Food Minister is Miss Molly Reid.

'Owing to shortage at the fish shop,

she became a displaced person.

'Perhaps you will tell us something

about the Ministry, Miss Reid.'

Well, it's ever so nice, really.

I expect you feel very proud

at having been directed to be guardian

angel over the national larder?

Oh, yes, ever so.

Do you want me to say anything else?

'Many other changes

have taken place inside Burgundy,

'not only in appearance

but also in the mode of living.

'Now that all food is stored in once place

and meal times can be standardised,

'communal feeding has been introduced under

the supervision of the Duke himself.

'It is a great success.

'Continental cooking

has so much more flavour.

'Commercial dealings

have come to a standstill.

'Behind locked doors, Burgundy's

Chancellor of the Exchequer

'is trying to solve his country's

unique currency problem

'of too much gold chasing

too few opportunities.

'Would you care to say

a few words, sir?'

Well, er... Pemberton and I have

made up our early differences

and today in Burgundy

we are absolutely unanimous

in our resolve to keep our treasure.

'And now a word from

Burgundy's Prime Minister,

'Mr Arthur Pemberton.'

Er... yes, well, I'm happy to say that

after early opposition

from the Pimlico Council,

my long-cherished scheme

for an open-air swimming pool

is now going ahead with the full

approval of the Burgundy Council.

'And so the glory

of the resurrected State of Burgundy

'rises like a phoenix from the ash cans.

'But although this idea

was popular in the model stage,

'the lunch whistle sounds a louder

message

'than hitting the production target.

'Like all other public

works in Burgundy,

'this scheme is the result of a scientific

democratic analysis of public opinion.

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