Passport to Pimlico Page #7

'The great drought caused

by London's longest heat wave

'is the one serious threat

to Burgundy's independence.

'80-year-old records for lack of

rainfall have all gone overboard.

'Water is cut off, but liquor makes do.

'So, Burgundy washes up in a pint of bitter,

and makes tea with a kettle of boiling gin.

'In fact, Burgundians are spending

their water like money.

'So, this strangest of all sieges

continues,

'a matter of principle to the

Burgundians, a headache to Whitehall.

'But wherever our sympathies may lie

in this cold war in the heat wave,

'whatever the rights and wrongs

of the case,

'one cannot but say,

"Plucky little Burgundy!"'

Yippee! Yippee!

That's my mum, that is, on the council!

On the Council of Burgundy!

Come here!

Come here, Monty! Come here!

Hey!

- Any news?

- I've no statement to make.

There are exactly two gallons,

three quarts,

and one and one eighth pints of water

left in the whole of Burgundy.

Well, I move we pass

a law against washing.

- What, in this kind of weather?

- Really?

You keep quiet, my girl.

You're not even on this committee.

Well, there it is.

We must either get water, or else.

Hey, we might make a sortie.

Like my ancestor at the siege of Dijon.

The amount of water

we could carry back...

Why don't you use your common sense?

They've turned off the hydrant

at the corner, haven't they?

Well, go and turn it on again.

How many more weeks are we

going to walk round this barbed wire?

Search me!

What do they think this Burgundy mob's

gonna do'? Invade England?

- Oh, good evening, officer.

- Good evening, sir.

Oh, it's so hot, one cannot sleep.

You know, it reminds me of a very,

very hot night on the Riviera,

and there was a lovely brunette

and a beautiful blonde.

I'd have laid an even monkey

there'd be moonlight.

- Just our luck.

- Now, quiet as you can, everyone.

But it must be terrible for you,

officer, wearing that thick uniform.

Oh, that's all right, miss.

Good luck, Ted.

And lovely eyes.

- What was that?

- I didn't hear anything.

Must have been cats or something.

Do you like cats, officer?

I don't care.

You're not going to do your pools now.

- Where do you think you're going?

- You're drunk. Drunk in charge!

Quite right, officer. I'll come quietly.

No, I don't want to be too hard on you.

Be more careful in future.

Hey! Hey! I say!

Go on, beat it!

Will you go away?

- Why don't you arrest me?

- Oh, go on, go away!

Well, why don't you arrest me?

This is a free country, isn't it?

Hey! Will you go away?

Look, haven't you got a home?

Blimey. Copper.

I've had the police after me!

Oh, it's good.

Taken 'em longer than I expected.

Look, they're taking no more chances.

Jackson, to the right. Round up there.

Who cares? Last us a month,

this little lot alone.

- Mr Pemberton!

- Dad, come quick!

- Would you come to the pub at once?

- What's up?

Molly tried to wash her hands

when... when there was no water.

- She left the tap turned on in the bar!

- Strewth!

Well, it wasn't my fault.

I didn't know you were gonna

turn the water on again.

Nobody ever tells me anything!

It's all right, Moll.

It's no use crying over spilt milk.

Smith's Crisps!

Four tins, that's all that's left.

Everything else has had it.

I reckon we've all had it this time.

Well, we can't let them starve to death.

We can't not let them starve to death.

I wish we could pass it on to UNO.

Well, why not?

Maudie, can you get me a line

to Lake Success?

Yes, Success.

Hello?

Yes, sir? What, Burgundy?

Oh, Burgundy!

Really'? Yes, of course, sir.

We can have a coach standing by

for them. Yes, right you are, sir.

I say, they've had enough of it.

They're ready to pack it up.

- Statement in the press?

- Rather.

Fleet Street should do us proud on this.

Jolly rotten shame, that's what I say.

Yeah, starving people out.

Oi, come and have a look at this!

Five minutes to go.

- How do we go?

- By the same coach as the kids.

- Oh.

- That's that.

Now I know

what Napoleon felt like before Waterloo.

- After, Dad.

- Mum!

- Hey, Dad!

- Here you are, Mum.

- Dad!

- Here you are, Mum!

Give us another one,

there's a good boy.

Come on, Benny. Come on, my lad.

- Ah, what do you think of that?

- Been a good boy? Had a nice time?

Here you are, Mum, catch!

Here you are!

- I would have fetched more for you.

- Haven't got any more.

Pity I didn't have more money,

else I would have got you some more.

- I haven't got no more.

- I'm sorry I haven't got no more, Mum.

- No more?

- No, I haven't got no more money.

Mummy, here. Guess what'?

I saw you on a newsreel the other day.

You didn't half look good.

Oh, go on, Dad. Let me feed them too.

- Oh, go on. Go on, Dad, let me.

- All right, then, go on.

Here, that's our lunch!

Ho.!

I'll ring the station.

Oranges! Nice sweet oranges!

Oranges!

Come on, give us a chance!

There they are, Pemberton.

- Who cares now?

- That's right.

Tell them what they can do

with their hearse.

- Mr Pemberton.

- Hello, Mr Straker.

- Your party ready?

- Well, I don't know.

Er... things have changed a bit,

haven't they?

Don't say our journey

is entirely fruitless.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

We're always open to talk-.

But we expected this to be

unconditional surrender.

We... we have no powers to negotiate.

Well, sir, I suggest

you come back when you have.

- This is where we came in.

- Oh, I wouldn't worry.

This bit of food

won't last them more than a day.

I say no appeasement!

Britain can't buy gold.

Well, that's not

Burgundy's fault, is it?

Well, if you're not prepared

to meet us even halfway...

We are, buy half the gold.

Ah, my old beauty!

Up the Express Dairy!

Milko! Milko!

There she is, the old cow!

Right on time!

Bang on time! That's the old girl!

Come on, my little lady!

There's a sight for sore eyes!

OK?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I think I have the solution.

I propose that we lend

the capital of our treasure

to the Chancellor of the Exchequer,

while the interest is used for the

benefit of the Borough of Pimlico.

- A Burgundian loan to Britain.

- Ah.

My dear sir! My very dear sir!

A second Montagu Norman!

Careful, my man!

You will tear it.

This was the standard

presented to the Duke Charles

by the 14 burgers of Bruges.

I have assured the museum authorities

it shall be returned undamaged.

Real Burgundy!

You see this vineyard?

It's ten minutes from where we live.

When you come to Dijon,

I'll take you there.

Mr Huggins! It's sort of nice

being back at the old shop, isn't it?

- Is it?

- Yes.

I'd almost forgotten what it feels like,

handling a lobster.

Remember one day you said

you'd like to go to Billingsgate?

Yes?

Take you there tomorrow.

Oh, Mr Huggins.

I never thought anybody would be

pleased to see these things again.

You never know when you're well off

till you aren't.

Are you nearly ready?

Yes, shan't be long! Just about!

They're here!

Do you think we shall get

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