Patch Adams Page #5

But you're not polite.

You're rude.

Sometimes you're downright bitchy.

- Good night.

- Good night.

[ Woman On P.A. ]

Dr. Hyer, please dial the pharmacy.

[ Labored Sigh ]

[ Sighing Continues ]

Blue skies

Shining on me

Nothin' but blue skies

Do I see

Bluebirds

Singin' a song

- Are you a doctor ?

- No. I'm a medical student.

- But if there's anything

I can do to help you--

- [ Sighs ]

- You wanna help me ?

- Oh, yeah. What can I do ?

Listen, you little

do-gooder prick.

If you wanna make yourself feel good,

don't make me pay for it.

Now get out of here,

'cause you don't help sh*t !

[ Loud Crashing ]

[ Panting ]

[ Gasping ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

[ Woman On P.A. ]

Dr. Maslow, line 214, please.

Dr. Maslow, line 214.

Yo ! Ride 'em, cowboy !

Whoo-hoo !

Yea !

[ Laughing Hysterically ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

Oh ! Oh ! I surrender !

I'll tell you what you want to know !

Do you wanna tell me what it is

you think you're doing ?

Oh.

Uh...

just getting

a few laughs, sir.

The American Journal of Medicine

has found that laughter...

increases secretion

of catecholamines and endorphins...

which in turn increases oxygenation

of the blood, relaxes the arteries...

speeds up the heart,

decreases blood pressure...

which has a positive effect

on all cardiovascular

and respiratory ailments...

as well as overall increasing

the immune system response.

[ Clown Shoes Squeaking ]

Smart clown, eh ?

Mr. Adams.

When I told you

I knew Dr. Prack...

did I mislead you in some way

to think I'm a pushover, like he is ?

Kindly remove that coat.

I told you you are not to see

the patients till the third year.

I'm just visiting friends, sir.

Why are you here ?

If you want to be a clown,

go join the circus.

Patients don't need to be entertained.

They don't need a friend.

They need a doctor.

I don't want to see you

in this hospital again.

What if I visit the patients

on my own time ?

Yes, about your own time.

It's been brought to our attention

that perhaps we should be suspicious...

of the level

of your grades.

What are you saying ?

I'm cheating ?

Your scores are among the top in

your class, yet you never seem to study.

That's ridiculous.

Your classmates

don't seem to think so.

Really. Who ?

I'm warning you.

Stay out of this hospital.

You told Walcott I cheated.

I know you did it.

Just tell me why.

Look, cut the crap, Hunter.

I live with you. I know how much

you study, or don't study.

And you do better than me ?

Give me a break.

You arrogant, pompous prick !

Who appointed you custodian

of the medical profession ?

Is it because your father

and his father was a doctor,

some sort of genetic thing ?

- You're damn right.

- Really ?

I grew up with it.

I know what it takes to look in the eyes

of dying people day after day...

and come home

for dinner at night.

- I know what it takes.

You don't have it.

- Oh, really. And you do ?

If you don't like me,

just say it.

I don't like you !

Why don't you like me ?

You're a prick, and I like you.

Because you make

my effort a joke !

I want to be a doctor !

This isn't a game to me !

This isn't playtime !

This is serious business !

I have it in me

to be a great doctor...

but in order to do that I have to

sacrifice if I want to be better.

"Better."

Better than me, hmm ?

[ Sighs ] I will save lives that

could have otherwise not been saved.

Now, I could be like you and go around

laughing and have a good time, ha ha,

but I prefer to learn,

because the more I learn,

the more likely I will

have the right answer at the

crucial moment and save a life.

And you say I'm a prick ?

You say I'm a prick ?

You know, maybe I am,

but you ask the average person, when

death comes knocking at their door...

whether they want a prick on their side

or some kindergarten teacher...

who's gonna kiss their ass !

Because when that day comes

I want the prick...

and so will you.

You know, I forget

how young you are, Mitch...

that you think you have to be a prick

to get things done...

and that you actually think

that that's a new idea.

[ Sighs ]

[ Pen Falls To Desk ]

You know what I oughta do ?

Take it to the state medical board.

There's gotta be some constitutional

right for visiting the sick.

Why don't you

say anything ?

Sorry, Patch.

I think Walcott

has a point.

It's a hospital.

People are suffering

and dying.

We're all dying, Truman.

Our job is to increase health.

You know what that means ?

That means improving the quality

of life, not just delaying death.

Either way, l--

For your own sake, I th-- I think you

should just lay low for a while.

Maybe you're right.

Preview of coming attractions.

Nurse.

"Death. To die. To expire.

To pass on. To perish."

To peg out. To push up daisies.

To push up posies.

To peg out. To push up daisies.

To push up posies.

To become extinct.

Curtains, deceased, demised,

departed and defunct.

Dead as a doornail.

Dead as a herring.

Dead as a mutton.

Dead as nits.

The last breath. Paying a debt

to nature. The big sleep.

God's way of saying,

"Slow down."

To check out.

To shuffle off

this mortal coil.

To head for

the happy hunting ground.

To blink for an exceptionally long

period of time.

To find oneself

without breath.

- To be the incredible decaying man.

- Worm buffet.

- Kick the bucket.

- Buy the farm.

- Take the cab.

- Cash in your chips.

And if we bury you ass up,

we have a place to park my bike.

Whoo ! Comin' out of chute number nine,

ridin' that morphine pony !

Whoo-aaah !

Come on now.

Hey, yeah

Let's check out the maternity ward.

You know those chicks put out.

Here we see that the vitreous body

is composed of a transparent jelly...

with a mesh

of collagen fibers.

Lights, please.

Uh, before we adjourn

Dean Walcott has a brief announcement.

[ Whispers ]

He's gonna have the sex change !

Next Monday

the hospital is hosting...

a medical

seminar-slash-retreat...

for the Fellowship of the

American College of Gynecologists.

[ Whispers ]

I'll get the strippers.

It is important that they

be received in a manner suitable

to their status and position.

I have traditionally selected

an outstanding student...

to head

the welcoming committee.

The time demands are great,

and I wouldn't want to jeopardize...

the academic performance

of a weaker student.

This year I have chosen...

Hunter Adams.

- [ Students Murmuring ]

- Oh. Well, thank you.

Hunter...

there's a detailed list

of instructions in my office.

Oh, and, uh, the auditorium

could use a good cleaning.

- [ Students Laughing ]

- [ Bell Rings ]

Did you hear him ? "In a style according

to their stature and position."

"I am a great doctor !

Worship me ! Spread before me !

Who dares stand ?"

You know what I'm thinking ? Maybe we

should decorate with a western motif.

How about that ?

Ah.

Something with stirrups

and a big banner that says...

"Howdy, gyneroos !

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