Patch Adams Page #4

as in "that interesting

cancer patient,"

and not by their name ?

- It certainly isn't to be mean.

It's to prevent transference.

- And why is that bad ?

- And the one flunking out is ?

- Can we get back to the tongue ?

What if a doctor becomes

emotionally involved with a patient ?

Does a doctor explode ?

No.

Who came up

with these rules ?

It's against the Hippocratic oath,

I think.

I don't really have time for this.

Sorry.

Bye.

- Bye.

- Sorry.

- Charming.

- Bye.

- Truman ?

- Yeah.

- I'm sorry. I didn't mean

to stop you from studying.

- Go away !

I believe there's more to being

a doctor than memorizing facts

about the ventricular artery.

I don't care what you think.

I care about my biology test.

- Maybe I could help you.

I read the bio book.

- The whole book ?

Oh, yeah.

Now I'm on to Whitman.

You can get Leaves of Grass

at the bookstore if you have

a 20% student I.D. card.

- I don't want Walt Whitman.

- He wouldn't want you either.

He was a homosexual.

But that's not relevant. What's relevant

is that he was a medical man.

He was a nurse in the Civil War

and wrote great poetry.

"Afoot and lighthearted,

I take to the open road--"

Look, I'm not sure

if you've noticed this...

but in a class of 163 students

there are eight women-- eight.

I've had to work really hard

to get here, and I'm gonna have

to work even harder to stay...

and I'm not about to blow it

by wasting my time on your

flighty theories of goodness.

I'm here to learn about medicine.

Period.

Excuse me.

I think somebody is

running away from something.

Why can't it just be that

I'm running away from you ?

[ Imitates Cat

Yowling, Hissing ]

One, two, three

Good lovin'

Good lovin'

Good lovin'

Good lovin'

I was feelin'

- So bad

- Hi.

I asked my family doctor

just what I had

- Very nice. Very nice.

- I said, Doctor

- Doctor

- Mr. M.D.

- Doctor

- Now can you tell me

[ Patch ]

Do I look thin to you ?

- What's ailin' me

- 'Cause I'm tryin' to lose

a little weight.

Is this too much ?

Have I gone too far ?

- Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah

- I got a boner.

- Doctor, please

- I am a boner.

- All I really need

- [ Cackling ]

Is good lovin'

Now give me

that good, good lovin'

- Good lovin'

- All I need is, babe

- Good lovin'

- Good lovin', baby

- Good lovin'

- Donner, party of 50 !

[ Chuckling ]

Donner ! Donner party ! Over here !

- [ Continues ]

- I don't know what's wrong here.

I'm tryin' to light

the dials here, but, uh...

bottom line is,

your TV's broken here.

My name is

Officer Patty O'Furniture.

I'm here today to talk to you

briefly about narcolepsy.

Narcolepsy--

[ Snoring ]

Clown salute !

- [ Making Honking Noises ]

- Very good !

Wide face !

- Good lovin'

- Fart face !

[ Blowing Raspberries ]

- Good lovin', baby

- The hospital will cover

all of your bills.

Any other questions ?

My name is Doctor... Phil.

I'll be your surgeon--

Oh, there you are.

Ha ha ha ! Hey !

Let's get ready to party !

Grazie ! Hey ! Grazie !

- Grazie ! Now take a bow !

- Good lovin'

- I need good lovin'

- Good lovin'

- What I want is lovin'

- Good lovin'

Don't believe

everything you read.

Looks like you didn't need

that study group after all.

Well, it's no 98,

but I'm still here.

Yeah.

- Excuse me.

- Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.

[ Whispers ]

Excuse me.

- You know, this completely

disrupts my point of view.

- Mm-hmm.

It was so much more convenient

thinking of you as an idiot.

- Don't count me out yet.

- It's frustrating.

I study all night, and I'm barely

hanging on by my fingernails.

Oh, forget about that. I want to

show you something that's extraordinary.

- An enema bulb ?

- It used to be.

This amazing piece of rubber...

when applied to your face...

can brighten

another person's day.

Even a suffering patient.

- I'm sure it's really great

for kids, but--

- No, not just kids. Anybody.

Patients are opening up

to me, Carin.

They're sharing their dreams,

their fantasies...

and if you hit on

the right topic...

they brighten up

for one brief moment.

They don't concentrate

on the pain.

They don't even feel the pain.

- Try it on.

- No, thank you.

I want you to try it on and help me.

Just try it on.

If you don't laugh,

you'll never see it again.

But if you do,

you have to help me.

Just try it on.

- Ta-dah

- Hmm.

-[ Chuckles ]

-You didn't say anything about a mirror.

Who do you think

you look like ?

Karl Malden ?

[ Giggling ]

You cheated.

You can take the nose off now.

So, what's the favor ?

- [ Sharp Inhaling ]

Psst.

[ Clicking Tongue ]

[ Patch ]

Ready ?

[ Imitates Elephant Trumpeting ]

Dumbo incoming !

[ Shouting, Laughing ]

Bag 'im, Bwana !

[ Continues Shouting ]

- Killer poodle ! You got lucky !

- [ Laughing Continues ]

Piranha fish !

Yea ! Very good !

- [ Balloons Popping ]

- Man down !

[ Shouting, Popping Continues ]

- What was that ?

- It's nothing.

Should I go check ?

I said, it's nothin'.

[ Laughing, Shouting Continues ]

[ Patch ]

One last one !

Oww !

[ British Accent ]

Well, congratulations, Jackie.

You've done it all. You've nailed

every balloon from here to Timbuktu.

[ Chuckles ]

That was incredible, Patch.

[ Panting ]

Almost as good

as the real thing.

[ Sighs ]

One last safari.

That's all I wanted.

Thank you, Truman.

Both of you.

That was wonderful.

Yes, it's been

a long time for me.

What about you, dear ?

What's your fantasy ?

[ Giggles ]

Oh.

When I was a little girl...

whenever my mother

would cook spaghetti...

she would let me reach into the pot

and squeeze the noodles.

Oh !

[ Chuckles ]

I've always wanted...

to be in a swimming pool

full of noodles...

wall-to-wall

and top-to-bottom.

An entire pool

full of noodles.

Oh.

How about a poodle ?

And the award for valor goes to

Truman Schiff and his red welt.

- Thank you, Truman.

- Located just above my

nasal bone, adjacent to my--

- Glabella !

- Whoo !

- Glabella !

[ Sighs ]

Good night, Truman.

Right.

Fun's fun, kids, but my welt

and I have a study date...

with the autonomic nerves

of the thorax.

- Good luck. Watch out

for the circle of Willis.

- Good luck to you.

And our next award, in the tradition

of the great poodle handlers...

where no actual transference

took place--

All right. What you did in there,

it was very nice, I admit.

Whoa. Is that a little ice

that just chipped off ?

- You're never serious, are you ?

- No. I tried that for years.

Never really worked for me.

- [ Sighs ] Yeah.

- Yeah.

Oh.

Well, I'd better go hit

the thorax as well, so--

I have a crush on you.

Ha ! I can't believe I just

blurted that out. [ Sighs ]

Look, thank you for

taking me along tonight.

I actually had fun.

Good night.

Wait a minute.

When I said I had a crush on you,

you didn't say...

"No way, loser.

I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper."

That means something.

Maybe I was just being polite

and I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

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