Paul Blart: Mall Cop

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Let's go!

Move it!

50 more yards!

All right, let's go! Pick it up!

- Let's go!

- Yes, sir!

You're running out of time, Bryant!

Make it all the way around the track!

Come on!

You want to be troopers?

You better move it!

All right, next, get up here!

Let's hit it now.

Dean, come on!

All right.

You've all completed the written exam.

However, you must now pass

the obstacle course

to be admitted into the training program.

And remember, survive this,

and you're on the front lines

of keeping New Jersey safe.

Yeah.

Sorry about the test, Dad.

We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart.

Mine is named hypoglycemia.

Well, that's why you always have to have

sugar nearby.

Are you gonna have pie?

Not tonight, Ma.

I'm just kidding.

Yeah, I'm gonna want some pie.

You...

No, I meant now, Ma. Get the pie now.

- Okay.

- You said it,

and I just kind of got that

stuck in my head now,

and can't really get it out. Pie. Here we go.

It really helps heal.

And, you know, not always, but sometimes,

you gotta do like the kids say,

and just say, "Whatever."

Kids don't talk like that.

Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay?

I hear them in the mall. You know?

Peanut butter.

It just fills the cracks of the heart.

Go away, pain.

- What?

- Paulie.

Oh, no. Come on, Ma.

I'm not ready for this right now.

- Dad.

- Please.

We just don't want to see you go through

another holiday alone.

But I'm not alone.

I've got you two. You know?

And besides, Black Friday's coming,

so my dance card's gonna be pretty full.

What?

It's the busiest shopping day of the year.

Yeah, I should have known better

than to try to explain it to civilians.

I wish I had a coworker here, like, "Tyler,

hey. You know, Black Friday's coming."

"Gee, Paul, you don't have to tell me

Black Friday's coming.

"Why do you think

I've been walking around here

"with the eyes of an eagle?"

- We prepare.

- Dad, what does all that have to do

with being happy for the rest of your life?

You said, and I quote,

"If I don't have a girlfriend by November,

"I'll let you sign me up

for perfectmatch.com."

That was last year.

Okay.

- Here we are.

- Okay.

"What are you looking for in a woman?"

Well, your mother certainly

had something special.

Yeah, illegal immigrant status.

She married you, got citizenship,

and then she left us.

That's not entirely true.

We did have some good times

back when she was still trying to trick me.

- Well, I hate her.

- Well, you shouldn't.

She gave me you.

- I am pretty great.

- You are. You are.

Okay, next question.

"Tell us about yourself."

Let's see.

I know a lot about sharks.

Let me stop you right there.

Well-built and a great hugger.

Awesome, Grandma.

Not as awesome as this.

What are you doing?

Beefing up your profile with that

nifty video that you made a few years back.

Ma, no.

I don't know. Don't you think

it's a little too, "Hey, look at me"?

Well, that is exactly what we want.

Eyes on the prize.

And don't worry,

I will edit out the sweaty parts.

Dear God!

Hey! Back away from the vehicle.

Oh, dear God. Please.

Chompers, get down!

Hey, you know where a men's room is?

I do.

You're gonna want to go to Lord and Taylor.

They got 12 stalls and heated seats.

Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids!

Okay, my lip is numb.

All righty.

- There you go.

- Thank you.

Hey.

Yeah, I know.

That's not supposed to be here.

It's a minivan.

... he can't handle it.

The puck travels to the far board...

He keeps the play alive.

- Paul!

- Hey.

What is this?

That's my report on how to ease

traffic flow from Macy's

down through the specialty shops.

- How's that working out for you?

- Actually, it's for all of us.

You see, if we could reroute the customers

away from the food court,

it's gonna help the kiosks

and cut down on shopper frustration.

It's your classic two-bird,

one-stone scenario.

- Can I ask you something?

- Anything.

Why can't you just punch in, shut up

and punch out like the rest of us?

Safety never takes a holiday.

Did your mom crochet that on a pillow?

Blart.

This is Sims. He's a new trainee.

Let him trail you today.

Hey. Paul Blart. Ten-year veteran.

Wow. Veck Sims.

Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show.

Let's mount up.

Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff.

That's it. Treat her gentle, son.

Slap it, honor it.

So what made you want to pursue security?

I never finished high school.

This is all I could get.

Yeah, I'm currently working on becoming

a state trooper, myself.

Right now, I'm goose egg for eight.

Hypoglycemia.

Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack.

My first week riding on the job,

I got lost behind the Sears.

They found me later in the fetal position,

sporting a full beard.

I'm kidding. I can't grow a beard.

My uncle can. Stay snug.

Now, in the event

that you approach an assailant,

here's what I want you to do.

You're gonna pull up,

left hip forward, placing your right hand

on your away hip thusly,

giving the illusion that you have a gun.

Which, of course, we both know

you don't.

Okay? But you know what we do have?

Our voices! We have our voices.

If you remember one thing

from today, it's this.

The mind is the only weapon

that doesn't need a holster.

Right. Awesome.

How long do we get for lunch?

Half hour. But I eat in 20, which leaves me

five minutes for social time,

five minutes to get refocused.

We got a high roller.

Sir, I'm gonna need you to pull to the right.

Please pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic.

Tan jacket, red scooter,

please pull to the right, out of traffic.

Sir.

Thank you.

Driving kind of recklessly back there, sir.

You're kidding.

I don't joke about shopper safety.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to

issue you a citation.

Gonna need your first and last. Last first.

Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir.

Please don't make this more difficult

than it needs to be, okay?

Are you able to...

Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning you, sir.

You're pushing it.

Sir. Sir. I am warning... Sir.

Sir. Sir. Sir.

Okay.

This is adding up, sir. He'll be back.

He'll be back. He'll be back.

- Hey.

- Hi. Do you need something?

Yes. I'd like to welcome you to our mall.

Well, thank you.

Is there something else?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Just looking for some hair extensions.

Need a little more volume up top.

Do you do men?

Do you do men hair? Do you do men hair?

On the men?

Are you the guy

that crashed into the minivan?

I don't think so. Which one?

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