Paul Blart: Mall Cop Page #2

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Well, that one. That one right there.

Yeah. That one, yes. That...

You know, that one was me.

- Oh, wow. Are you okay?

- Oh, yeah. Never better.

Although they're docking the paycheck

pretty good.

Yeah.

You know what you should do?

You should get the security tape,

and then, like, sell it to one of those shows,

you know, where people crash into stuff.

- Hello, early retirement.

- Yeah, right?

Volume. Right, let me just see what I've got.

Yeah, this is Blart.

If you need me, I'm over by the kiosks.

Who is this?

It's Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5.

What the hell are you bothering me for?

- Just a Code B check.

- What a moron.

You know, I'll check in with them later.

It's pretty intense.

Oh, right, yeah. Life of a security guard.

- What, what?

- No, it's just that you said security guard,

and it's perfectly acceptable...

I'm so sorry if I called you the wrong thing.

No, no, no, no. You did fine, you know?

It's just that there's a huge,

huge controversy

brewing in the industry right now,

whether the title should be

Security Guard or Officer.

I'm sure you heard about it.

- I didn't.

- You will. You're gonna.

- But I'm sure I will.

- It's out there.

So, you all set

for the busiest shopping day of the year?

Yeah, right.

And the worst day for a birthday.

This year, it falls on a Black Friday, which

means I probably won't even get a card.

Everyone's too busy shopping.

You know what? Yeah. Autumn Ash.

- Yeah.

- I think that's your color.

- I think this'll work.

- It's a winner.

- So that's $9.95.

- $9.95?

- Yeah.

- Wow.

At those prices,

now you got me thinking ponytail.

All right. Thank you.

Thank you.

- Right. So there you go.

- Okay.

And, there you go.

Thank you, Amy.

Thank you, Officer Blart.

Hey, Blart. Wow, nice shirt.

You went with a medium?

It's a bit formfitting,

but that's 'cause we're required to wear

protective vests under our...

No. Not buying it. No.

'Cause I don't see any vest

underneath here, so...

No, but it's a thick T-shirt.

Basically like a thermal they have you wear.

Nope. Nope. No.

I don't understand why you're laughing.

I just called you fat.

I'm not laughing.

Yeah, whatever. Amy.

Hey, everyone's going to American Joe's

tonight, and I want to see you there.

Okay?

We're gonna split some onion strings.

Wow. Wow.

Good.

Good hang.

Wow, yeah. That's great.

Hey, Blart, they need you

at Victoria's Secret.

Okay, roger that.

Okay, I gotta go.

Okay. Bye.

- I found it first.

- No, you didn't.

Ladies. Problem.

What's the genesis?

She's trying to take

the last push-up bra in this size.

There's gonna be a new shipment tomorrow.

They'll be here by noon.

Well, I need this one now.

I have a date tonight.

Really? Is he blind?

Whoa!

Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks.

Not my first rodeo.

Okay, ladies, need to see some ID.

No, you don't.

Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have

the authority to make a citizen's arrest.

So does anyone.

I could arrest you right now.

- That's true. She could.

- Hey, not talking to you. Okay?

Can I see you for a second, please, ma'am?

Look, I understand your sensitivity.

I've had some issues with weight myself.

- Are you calling me fat?

- No. No, no, no, no.

I'm just saying I've been down that road.

I mean... I mean, I'm still on it.

We both are, you know? Stranded.

Let's face it, we eat to fill a void, right?

But as soon as I started eating healthier,

I noticed I wasn't so moody.

And PS, your skin's gonna clear up.

- Can you hold onto these?

- Sure.

Ma'am.

You...

She's got tremendous upper body strength.

Backup! Backup!

She's biting my neck. She's biting my neck.

Backup!

Backup! Backup!

Look, I know you're new here and all,

but "backup" seems like

a pretty universal term.

Hey. Can I give you a lift?

What, on that?

With an inexperienced driver

I would recommend no,

but with me,

you'll be as safe as the President.

I don't know. Couldn't that get you fired?

Yes, it could.

Okay.

- Is this all right?

- Absolutely.

And here you go. Safe and sound.

- '65 Mustang.

- Yeah.

Fun fact for you, a lot of people think

the Mustang was named after the horse.

It was actually named after

the P-51 Mustang.

- That's a plane.

- I didn't know that.

Well, thank you for the ride, Paul.

That was so much fun.

No problem.

Listen,

if you ever, you know, need rides anywhere,

Dispatch, they can get me. You know.

- Or we could just text each other.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, give me your cell phone.

- My cell?

Yeah, and I'll punch my number in.

Left it in the casuals. You know what?

Just give me your number

and I'll remember it.

- Okay. Ready?

- Yep.

- All right. 555...

- Not yet. Just...

Now I'm ready.

- 555...

- 555...

...01...

...01...

...78.

- Eight. Got it.

That's it. It's locked.

Great, so I'll see you tonight

at American Joe's, right?

Yeah, I mean, everybody's going, so...

- Yeah.

...why not me, too? I'll be...

Yeah, I'm there.

- Great. Bye.

- Okay. Bye.

- Hey.

- Hey! Hey. Glad you made it, Paul.

Good to be here.

- Fun fact for you...

- This place sucks.

- You want to get out of here?

- No.

I'm sorry, what were you saying?

No, I was just saying that

the first American Joe's actually opened

its doors in 1972.

And most people,

because of its service and theme,

think that it's derivative of Abe and Louie's,

but it's not.

It's its own thing.

You really know a lot of facts, Paul.

Hey, Blart, I heard you got your ass handed

to you by a fat chick at Victoria's Secret.

Well, I don't hit women,

- so I don't even know what...

- Yeah. Just minivans, right?

Hey, why don't you go over to the bar

and grab yourself one of those girly drinks?

- I'll meet you over there.

- Okay. Does anybody else want a drink?

- 'Cause Stuart's buying.

- No, no, no. They're good. They're good.

- So... They're good.

- Okay.

Hey, listen, I...

We're basically already together, so...

I wasn't... I didn't even realize that.

- And I was... I wouldn't... Doing anything.

- Yeah.

I just want you to grab a hold of it, tight.

- Okay?

- I got it.

I mean,

it's not like you really had a chance, okay?

Security guard? Really.

But you're a pen salesman, dude.

Yeah, and I just bought a Camry,

so you can eat me.

All right, bro. Back off.

You know, we're all just here having fun.

Okay, bro.

What?

Hey, thanks

for getting my back there, brother.

Security blood runs deep between...

Yeah, let's just go.

- Round six.

- Let's do this thing.

- Gentlemen ready?

- No.

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