Paul Blart: Mall Cop Page #3

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Not yet. Now I'm ready. Okay.

And, go!

Leon, I can't give you the Heimlich,

so you better chew.

I know.

Told you, boy. You better hurry up.

There you go. Nachos in my face.

Oh, my God. These peppers.

The peppers are hot.

Oh, my God. Oh, that's a hot pepper.

Nachos are good, man.

Better inform all your friends, boy.

Nachos about to be gone.

You're lagging behind.

Come on, Paul. Playing games.

I love these nachos, I'll tell you that much.

- That lemonade is insane.

- Yeah, Paul.

- That's because it's a margarita.

- No. I don't drink.

Twist it.

Feel the nub.

- Hey, you want some? Here.

- Yeah.

You want fruit?

Bye! You blinked! You blinked.

Time to pluck the grape from the vine.

Still got the Baggies! Hot jiggity.

Coming on the left.

False alarm.

Told my mom everything about us.

What are you talking about?

You're acting coy. Come on. It's natural.

You know. You so know.

No, I'm sorry, Paul. I don't know.

Snap. Pop goes the weasel.

So happy!

Yeah!

Yeah!

I believe in magic!

No way!

I'm sorry it didn't work out, dear.

It's fine, Ma.

- Hey, Dad, why don't we check for matches?

- Yes.

Yeah, I don't think so, sweetheart.

I think I'm just gonna turn in.

Well, how about something special

for lunch tomorrow to cheer you up?

I don't think so, Ma. It's fine.

If something's gonna work,

it would be the sloppy joe.

But that would probably... You know.

You know, if you're doing the sloppy joe,

do the sweet potato fries.

But it... Whatever, you know.

Well done. Yeah.

Maya. Hey.

Dad. I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

There are other fish in the sea.

You just gotta keep looking.

And it doesn't matter what you do.

Because once someone takes the time

to get to know the real you,

all bets are off.

If it doesn't work out, you'll always have us.

I'm sorry, sweetie, I popped my ears.

I didn't hear a word you were saying.

You just have to...

Is that a tattoo?

I... Yeah, yeah, it is.

When did you get it?

- I got it last night.

- What is it?

It's the Loch Ness monster.

I don't drink.

- Hey.

- Hi.

That was

a little weird the other night, huh?

Yeah, you know, it had its moments. Yeah.

Was one of them

when I tried to make out with your purse?

You see, alcohol instantly turns to sugar

in the blood.

And what happens is the capillaries...

Yeah, look. A lot of people...

Pretty much everybody, you know, tends

to write me off.

And if you did, too, believe me, I get it.

I just...

I guess what I'm asking is that you don't.

Okay. You know, I'm sorry, I've just...

I've gotta cash my paycheck

before the bank closes. I'm...

No problem.

Maybe we could talk later or something?

- Yeah, sure. You could just text me, or...

- Okay.

- Yeah.

- I can do that. I can do that.

You know, Paul, everybody texts these days.

I can't believe you don't have a cell phone.

I'm not about all this technology, Vijay.

I prefer face-to-face interaction

or a nice handwritten sentiment.

300 bucks?

I dug myself into a really deep hole

with this girl, you gotta help me. Please.

Paul, you've always been a straight shooter,

so I'll tell you what.

Why don't you take my daughter

Parisa's phone?

- No, I can't do that.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm punishing her.

No. What with all the parties

and that ex-boyfriend Pahud,

she went over her minutes.

When and if she decides to turn

her life around, I'll simply take it back.

Until then, you use it.

- Thanks.

- Sure.

- Stay within the minutes.

- Of course.

Hey. It's too late to go in that way, guys.

It's closed.

- No one's going in there.

- Yeah. I think we are.

Hey, yo, Paul. Come here, man.

Look, I know you been feeling down,

so I got this for you.

"The Devil's Crotch."

Feel the burn, baby.

- Thanks, Leon.

- Get back at me, man.

- Loading dock's ready.

- Got it.

Yeah.

You need a pen, don't you?

You know what? No, I'm good.

- I'll just use one of their pens.

- Yeah, you do.

Yes. The Summit 5280 fountain.

- That's stunning.

- Yeah, I know.

How would you like to sign your name

with this panther?

You know what? More than anything.

- Yeah, that'd be great.

- Here. Yeah.

It's yours. I insist.

Oh, hey, guys.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Don't you just love Fridays?

- Yeah.

- Best night of the week.

Yeah.

- Excuse me. Sorry.

- Hey.

Paul. Paul, can you help me out?

I need to shoot over to the bank

for a minute.

There's a few kids inside,

just finishing up their games.

Could you close up the arcade for me?

- Yeah, sure. No problem, Mr. Ferguson.

- Okay.

- You okay? You seem a little down.

- Yeah, I'm fine.

You know, video game might

cheer you right up.

Nah, I'm on duty.

Welcome to the games!

Get set.

Go.

Foul. Foul.

Foul. Foul.

Foul. Foul.

Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul.

Game over.

We are ready.

Let's do this.

Attention shoppers.

Please make your way to the nearest exits.

Unfortunately, the mall will be closing early.

- Everybody out!

- Everybody out!

Everybody out, now!

You, too!

Hi. Hey! Hey! You got me...

I'm at the West Orange Pavilion Mall.

Hey, yo. Hey, there's some crazy-ass people

trying to take over the mall.

- I'm out of here.

- Everybody on the floor!

Tell them to bring SWAT.

There may be hostages.

What are you doing? Get down.

Oh, my God.

Surprised? I know.

But here's the craziest part.

I'm the leader.

Reports are, they're inside the bank

and they got hostages.

This is Sergeant Howard. I need four units

around the back to secure the perimeter.

See if we can establish visual.

Report back to me immediately.

Let's get all these civilians out of here.

See if we can gain access

into the loading dock.

- Go.

- I'm on it. 94, move 'em out.

Hello?

Feeling alive?

I'm sorry?

Parisa.

She makes you feel alive, doesn't she?

This must be Pahud.

Pahud, no, I'm not with Parisa.

My name's Paul Blart.

Parisa's dad took her cell phone away,

and he lent it to me.

Do not lie to me, Paul Blart.

Do not lie to me.

You are probably

sweating over her right now.

I'm not lying.

I mean, I am sweaty,

but I'm not sweating over anyone.

That woman is like an angelic goddess

who only brings goodness to this world.

Plus, she has some crazy sexy feet.

Paul, the pain of this breakup

is far too much for me to bear, man.

Pahud, no one can blame you

for being upset.

I mean, the holidays are tough enough

without adding heartbreak to the mix.

Wow. Them's some heavy words, Paul Blart.

Hey, life is heavy.

Indeed. Now, you are at the mall, huh?

So why do you not head over

to Orange Julius,

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