Paul Blart: Mall Cop Page #4

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call up my friend Sameer Oh?

Tell him you are now my homeboy.

He will hook you up.

Wait a second.

How'd you know I was at the mall?

I track Parisa's phone with GPS.

Don't you judge me.

Closing time already.

Okay, there are 223 stores in this mall.

Here is a list of the 15 that I need you to hit.

And 15 for you.

Okay.

Now this is the key to retrieve the codes

from each store's credit-card machine.

They change every day, so make sure

that you bring me back the codes

for today, Friday.

Veck, six guys in standard formation,

just like you said.

Perfect.

Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!

And these little piggies went

all the way home.

Do it.

Gary usually delivers the leftovers

to the Mission.

Hey, everyone. A couple requests.

Kindly tie up the person beside you,

keep your mouths shut,

give up your cell phones,

and as a general rule, do as I say.

You do all these things...

Well, you'll be back at home in no time.

Back to your mediocre lives.

- I don't have one.

- Amy.

I was hoping that you and I could have

a whole Bonnie-and-Clyde thing going on.

You know, minus dying

in a hail of gunfire, of course.

What do you say?

Go to hell.

Ouch.

Hey, Stewie, you don't mind

that I'm hitting on your girlfriend, do you?

What? No. She's not my girlfriend.

But I specifically heard you say

that you two were "basically together."

No. I didn't say that we were together.

I said that she's into leather.

Have at it. If you...

God, you're an idiot.

Hello?

This is Sergeant Howard

of the West Orange Police Department.

- Who am I speaking with?

- Hi.

Yeah, well, so here's the deal.

As you learned the hard way,

I have motion sensors by all the doors,

so if you wanna enter my mall,

you might as well bring

at least six body bags.

He's drilling the safe,

and they have eyes on us.

See if we can tap into the security cameras.

Now look, no one's gonna try

and enter the mall.

Is there anything you need? Do you need

any food? Do you need any water?

Oh, man. This dude

doesn't deviate from the book at all.

You know, since you're asking,

I would love a Happy Meal,

you know, but...

Make sure the toy is the sea monster,

'cause I already have the dragon.

Okay, okay, now what is it you really want?

Silence.

Hey, I'm sorry, mall's closed,

but I can help you find the nearest exit

if you just tell me where you parked.

Sweet mercy.

This is not happening,

this is not happening, this is...

Oh, God. All right, think, Paul, think.

Now what are you trained to do?

Nothing.

Detect, deter, observe, report.

I gotta report it. Reporting it.

Yo, we got a straggler.

- It's a security guard.

- What should we do?

I don't know. Give up, I guess.

Guys, what is wrong with you?

We stick to the plan.

We got a 911 operator connecting us

with some guy named Paul Barth.

He says he's a security officer in the mall.

Hey. Blart? He's one of my guys.

Paul, this is Sergeant Howard

of West Orange Police Department.

The mall has been taken over,

and they have hostages.

I need you to exit the building immediately.

We don't need any wild cards

in this situation.

Copy that. Never been a wild card.

Unless you consider the game of Uno wild.

- Blart! Can we focus here, please?

- Yes. Yes, sir. On my way out.

Okay, okay. Come on, don't die. Don't die.

Blart.

Don't pee. Don't pee.

Guys, motion detector just went off

at Door 26. Everybody on it.

Amy.

What the hell is he doing? Come on!

- Paul, come on!

- Paulie, come on!

- What's he doing?

- Come on, Blart!

Blart, come on!

- Let's go! Move it!

- Come on! Come on!

- Get out of there!

- Come on!

Is he crying?

- I can't leave her.

- Where's he going?

- Blart!

- Where's he going?

Blart, get back! Will you talk to him, please?

Blart, this is Brooks. What's going on?

Sir, I took a sworn oath to protect this mall

and all inside it.

What oath? We don't have an oath.

I sort of made up my own.

It's on a plaque in my room.

Listen, I think you're making a big mistake.

SWAT's on the way.

And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it,

you're untrained, you're unarmed,

and let's face it, son,

you present a huge target.

With all due respect, sir,

I can't observe and report from the outside.

Over.

Well, Sergeant,

looks like you got your eyes on the inside.

Amy, Paul Blart here.

Are you still in the mall?

Send.

Got him.

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Think. Think. Think, think, think,

think, think, think, think! Think!

Hold it together.

Heart of a warrior.

I missed lunch.

Thank you.

This isn't happening, this is not happening.

Hey! Don't make this hard.

You like that?

Brooks, I took out a girl,

but the guy, he ran away.

- Wow, Paul, you got one.

- Yes.

But let the record show,

I did not hit a woman. I just...

I put all my weight on her.

Oh, Paul.

No, no, no. She's fine, she's fine.

Well, good, let's get you out of there.

No can do, sir.

I am gonna finish what I started.

What the heck is this?

Give me that.

Paul, this is Sergeant Howard again.

Since you refuse to come out,

I'm gonna need you to go into the bank

and find out

where they're holding the hostages.

With honor, sir.

Good to know.

Hey, I haven't heard back

from Donner or Vixen.

Okay. I'm calling an audible here, everyone.

And I need to get this mall locked down

from the inside immediately.

Why don't we just start wasting hostages?

That'll stop them.

Well, that's one way to go, but our hostages

are the only thing keeping the cops outside.

I'm Commander Kent. My team is deploying.

I need this location secured.

- We got a three-block perimeter...

- Establish a perimeter

and get all these people out of here.

Whoa, whoa, this is all done already.

My men are gonna do it again, the right way.

Have your guys fall back, now.

Have there been any demands?

- A Happy Meal and absolute silence.

- Well, let's make some noise.

I got snipers at the ready,

communications in check.

Let's tap into security now,

and let's get some visuals.

You can't.

They knocked out the video cameras.

I'll be ready to take on-scene command

in three, two, one. I'm in charge.

Brooks, I'm observing the bank now.

They got one assailant

guarding the hostages.

There she is.

My, God. You are my angel pie.

Here come the love sweats.

Paul, your radio's still on.

Roger that.

- What's going on? Who is that?

- We got a guy on the inside.

Don't tell me one of your beat cops

is trying to be a hero.

No, he's neither. His name is Blart.

He's one of my security guards.

- Wait a minute. Blart?

- Yeah.

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