Paul Blart: Mall Cop Page #5

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- Paul Blart?

- Yeah.

Are you kidding me? We used to abuse

that loser in high school. Give me that.

Blart.

This is Commander James Kent.

New Jersey SWAT.

We went to high school together.

Remember?

I set you on fire at the pancake festival?

Oh, yeah. Hey, Jimmy.

Go Green Hawks.

Yeah, listen. I've got 50 highly trained,

armed professionals out here.

At my command,

we are retaking this location,

and there's no way I'm compromising

this mission so that some mall monitor

who used to eat lunch

with his imaginary friend can screw it up.

Sorry, Jimmy, I had the button pressed.

All I heard was "lunch" and "friend."

Could you do me a favor

and put Chief Brooks back on?

Listen to me, Blart,

you are no longer communicating

with Chief Brooks. Is that clear?

Hello?

Hello?

Yeah? Oh, hey, Paul, how you doing?

Well, it looks like they moved the hostages

into the teller area.

I'm gonna get a closer look.

Veck.

There he is!

- Everyone in the back room, now!

- Come on, move, move!

Let's get in the back, huh?

Brooks. I lost visual on the hostages.

I couldn't get them out.

But I know who the leader is. It's Veck.

Veck? The trainee?

- No. The brainee.

- I don't believe this.

I'll pass it on to Howard.

Oh, God.

Trapped is fine by me.

Commence tanning. Three, two, one.

Yeah!

Yes!

Time for some big-game hunting.

Open, open, open! Thank God.

Oh, no.

Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! We get it!

Get him! Get him! Get him!

You better run.

- Rudolph, where are you?

- I'm about to end this.

Amy, huh? What a coincidence.

We got a cute little redhead

down at the bank named Amy.

- Strawberry blonde, actually.

- Yeah?

Well, I guess I know who I'm killing first.

- Catch you later!

- Yeah?

Well, it looks like you just ran out of mall.

It'll be over quick. She won't feel a thing.

You aren't gonna touch her,

but you are gonna feel this.

Nobody wins with a head butt.

- Give me your cell phone.

- I don't have one.

What are you talking about?

Every kid has a cell phone.

I prefer handwritten sentiments.

Who are these sloppy joes for?

And who gave you this?

They're mine.

I'm late for my shift at Foot Locker.

We're getting the leader on the horn.

He wants to talk to you.

Silence, my ass.

What's the matter?

Throw a few jabs your way,

you curl up in a corner, suck your thumb?

If you don't go toe-to-toe

with that scumbag,

he's gonna roll over on you all night long.

It's all right. That's not my style.

Well, just in case, I wrote down

a couple of clever comebacks, like...

Here.

This is what you been doing?

"Yeah, you and what army?"

- What's wrong with that?

- He has an army.

Everyone deserves a card on their birthday.

So when you and Rudolph

were laughing it up back at the crib

about how easy all this was gonna be,

were you guys like,

"Man, any brain-dead mall cop

that gets in the way is gonna get smoked"?

And then... And then what?

You guys all high-fived?

- Veck, this guard is...

- Winning! I know this, because I am all set!

But sadly, no codes!

And I'd say, considering

all the luxury items that I have stacked up

in my Amazon shopping cart,

situation unacceptable!

No, no, no, no, no, no. He looking.

Give me a gun.

Put it down. Put it down.

What are you nodding about?

I was just wondering,

were you serious about that Happy Meal?

It isn't coming, is it?

What?

This is Commander James Kent,

New Jersey SWAT.

You wanted to speak to me?

I just wanna make sure

that no one does anything stupid.

You should know my men are deployed

and ready to bring this thing to a resolution.

The easy way or the hard way.

That is such a tough call, but...

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and go with C,

none of the above!

I'm Amy, by the way.

- Amy? From unbeWEAVEable?

- Yeah.

I'm Maya.

My father talked forever about you.

And I gotta say, he really does like you.

I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, that's not so bad.

Oh, my God.

They've got his daughter.

- Dad?

- Maya.

- Everything's gonna be okay.

- How's your blood sugar?

Don't worry about me, okay?

I'm worried about you.

I love you.

All right, now, I'm gonna get you all out.

You just hang in there, okay, sweetie?

I will. I'm a Blart, remember?

Yeah. I'll see you soon.

I'm supposed to be on my way

to the Cayman Islands with the hostages.

And where the hell is Rudolph?

He should be back by now.

"If Veck gets the codes,

he's taking us to Cayman Islands"?

Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show.

Come and get me, Veck.

I got your codes

for the credit-card machines.

- Yo, you hear that? That's Paul, baby!

- Blart?

That's who's been screwing all this up?

You have got to be kidding me.

Give me a radio.

Let me tell you something.

You take hostages in my mall,

you are making a big mistake.

You seriously undermissed...

And you seriously...

Oh, no!

Blart?

Sugar. Sugar.

Blart? You there, Blart?

Hello, Blart. You there?

Hey, Blart!

I was hoping we could get an ETA

of when you're gonna give up.

How about now?

I'll meet you on the corner of Ne and Ver.

Yeah, you heard me. Never!

All right, Dad.

Hey, fellas! You looking for me?

Come on. Come on, come on. Come on.

Follow me.

There he is.

We got him trapped in Rainforest Cafe.

Great. Wait for me.

You know, my mom always said,

"If you want something done right,

waste the guy yourself."

I'm paraphrasing, of course. You stay here.

Prancer, take the back.

Hey, you. Scuba Dooby-Doo.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Can I have my codes now, please?

Why? No codes, no Cayman Islands?

Looks like Paul Blart turned into

quite the badass.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax.

No.

One thing I know is

Paul Blart is not a badass.

Comet! Don't come back till he's dead!

Brooks. Only one more left.

Then it's just me and Veck.

Okay, who's talking to Blart?

Was it you, sugar mouth?

All right. Let's try this again.

Wait! No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!

It's her phone, it's hers.

She's talking to him.

She's talking to him, and I told her not to.

And it's under her leg.

The phone. Her right leg. Right there.

That's good.

Okay.

That was close.

He is a pro.

Listen, Blart, time's up. We're busting in.

Wait! Look, Veck's after

the credit-card codes, and I got them.

Just give me a few minutes.

No problem.

Isn't that cute?

- Hey, Amy. I'm on my way.

- Oh, hey, Blart.

Wow. Our boy Stuart just turned me on

to your profile

on lonelyloser.com.

"Likes morning rain, walks on the beach."

Who are you, Olivia Newton-John?

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