Pawn Shop Chronicles

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Need to get the

Santa out of here.

Number one, it's spring.

It's not winter.

- Spring.

- So?

Secondly,

you don't even work here.

When are you gonna stop putting

all your sh*t all around

all over the place?

- Third..

- Mm-hmm.

Santa Claus ain't

even of African descent.

Oh, yeah, that's it there.

I was waiting for that.

You do realize Santa Claus

ain't even a real person.

You can make him whatever

color you want to.

No. Charlie Brown ain't real.

Charlie Brown real?

Well, hell, no.

Well, you ain't gonna

draw a picture

of a little black

kid, round head,

curly-squiggly hair

and call him a "Peanuts" comic.

Well, you could

if you wanted to.

Well, you could physically,

but you can't.

Yes, you could.

All right, fine. You could.

But you gotta get rid

of the damn Santa.

And I got news for you, too.

If some black man came down my

chimney wearing a red jogging suit,

I'd blow a hole right

through his red hat.

How's that..

What?

Oh, no, no. No, no, man.

I just need a loan

on my shotgun.

Well.. honest.

What.. what's wrong

with you kids?

Coming into a man place of business

pointing a shotgun at people.

I'm sorry. I didn't

mean to cause no fuss.

You know the pawn shop

business is a dangerous game.

Damn right.

My brother, he move out

West, opened a pawn shop.

- Found him in the basement, dead.

- I remember that.

Oh, yeah? What happened to him?

I'd rather not talk about it.

You're lucky..

I didn't blow a hole

through your head.

Well, how was you gonna do that

with your hands up in the air?

Shut up.

Give me the gun.

Well, I'll give you 20.

Oh, come on, now. Come on.

No.

- 40.

- No.

- 30?

- Nope.

- No.

- Come on, man. Sh*t.

Well, all right.

Hey.

Whoo!

Hey, man, is Vern there yet?

No, he late.

Hey, where you at, man?

Don't worry, I'll be

there in a minute.

You just keep his

ass there, huh?

'Cause I've been up for three

days since we smoked that sh*t

and I'm beginning to

hallucinate, man.

Ah! God!

On my way here,

when I was driving in,

I saw the King, man.

I swear I saw Elvis walking

through town square.

I can't be robbing no people when

I'm f***ed up like this, man.

Hey.

Quit being a p*ssy. I'll be

there in a minute, alright?

You just keep Vernon there 'cause

I'm gonna f*** his ass up.

Sh*t!

Jesus Christ, man.

Thank God, man.

Where the hell have you been?

Oh, I had to pawn my

shotgun to get gas money.

Man, how the hell we gonna rob

Stanley without a shotgun?

- Well, how was I supposed to get here?

- You stupid f***!

How was I supposed to

get here without gas?

I would've come and

picked you up, dumb-ass.

Listen, don't you think this whole

robbing Stanley thing is stupid anyway?

And why the f*** we gotta

meet out in this field?

You are so f***ing stupid, man.

'Cause it's top secret

sh*t, that's why!

So fields is the place for

top secret meetings, huh?

Why are you so damn worried

about the gun anyhow?

There's three of us

and only one of him.

We just go in there,

we beat him down,

we take the meth, we

get out of there.

- It's easy.

- You're so stupid, man.

- What?

- The guy is a f***ing geeked-out,

hillbilly, drug-cooking,

dumb sh*t.

You don't think he has a

f***ing arsenal of weapons

laying around his f***ing house?

You don't think he ain't got his head

out the window every five minutes

peeking 'round to see

what the f***'s going on?

You know this sh*t f***ing

makes you paranoid, man.

Speaking of dope, man,

you got any on you?

Hell, no.

That d*ckhead at the pawn shop

only gave me 20 on the gun.

So I only got enough for gas..

What the f***, man?!

Sh*t!

What the f***, man?

That son of a b*tch stole

$80 out of my sock drawer.

- No, he didn't.

- Bullshit!

Randy, he didn't

f***ing take sh*t.

- Vern didn't steal anything, man.

- How the f*** do you know?

Because he just pawned

the goddamn shotgun

so he could put some f***ing

gas in his car, man.

And he didn't have

no meth, either.

So clearly, he ain't

got no extra cash.

Huh.

Well, sh*t.

Wait,

he pawned the shotgun?

How the f*** are we

supposed to rob Stanley?

I don't know, Randy.

F***, man, why you gotta

go and run Vernon over?

I mean, sh*t, what makes you think

he stole it in the first place?

Lamar told me he took it.

- Oh, Lamar did.

- Mm-hmm.

You mean the crackhead?

You mean that lying,

f***ing cheating thief?

That Lamar?

You stupid f***! He gets

his hair cut at Cook's!

- He said he seen Vernon take it.

- That don't mean sh*t, man!

I mean, Jesus Christ!

You f***ing..

You ran f***ing

Vernon's ass over, man.

You could've f***ing

asked him first.

What the f***?

Instead you trust

some dude's word

with the name of

f***ing "stinky nuts."

Made sense at the time, alright?

Man, we gotta do something.

We gotta take him to a

hospital or something.

This gurgling sh*t,

this ain't normal, man.

I ain't taking his ass nowhere

and getting locked up.

- Well, we can't just leave him here.

- Move.

See? He's fine.

Let's go get my

money from Lamar.

Good afternoon. I'm

Connie Swanson.

And I'm here with a man who

helps save lives by day

and is the King by night.

- Hi.

- Meet Ricky Baldoski.

He's a volunteer emergency medical

service technician by day

and, as you can probably guess,

does Elvis tribute

shows by night.

- That's right. I'm Ricky Baldoski.

- Yes.

Tell us who some of your

big influences are, Ricky.

Well, definitely.

The King, um, King,

and the King.

- KKK all the way.

- You can catch Ricky..

- Wait, no..

- ..This weekend

performing his tribute

performance to the King.

I'd like to just say one

word:
God bless America!

Irwin County Fair.

Back to you, Michael.

Lamar!

You lying bastard.

Vern didn't steal

my money, you did.

No, I didn't.

Bullshit.

I know it was you 'cause it

sure as hell wasn't Vernon

and you're the one who lied.

Oh. Oh, man.

I guess it was me, man.

What the..

I f***ing knew it.

You give me my money, you

lying piece of sh*t.

- I don't have it.

- What?

Where is it? Where is it?

It's in the air, man.

I smoked it up.

$80 since this morning?

What the f***?!

We gonna kick your ass, Lamar.

We gonna f*** you up good.

'Cause of you, old

Vern got killed.

And that sh*t ain't cool, man.

There's getting high

and there's getting a

brother f***ing ran over!

God damn it, bro! Kick his ass!

I oughta kick your

f***ing ass, Lamar.

Randy, don't, man.

You got a gun, huh?

- Huh?

- No.

- We need a gun.

- Hey, hey, we could ask Don.

Don will have a gun.

Yeah.

We gonna go get the gun and we

gonna come back and shoot you.

- Right?

- Don't you steal sh*t while I'm gone.

Okay?

Okay.

Is that my Styx

CD in your pants?

- Huh?

- God damn it. Yeah.

F***, Lamar!

Put it back, Lamar.

- I ain't f***ing around.

- Sorry, man, it was right here.

I was warming it.

It's your f***ing ass now.

You're f***ing dead, Lamar.

Kick his f***ing ass, Randy.

What the f***?

What, you ain't gonna

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