Perfect Page #6

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We went to one meet afterwards.

It was just too painful.

It was actually humiliating.

But was it true?

Did you have an affair with your coach?

What's that, Adam?

A tape recorder.

- Is it on?

- Yes.

Get out!

- Get the f*** out of my car, Adam!

- Jesus Christ.

- You f***ing liar!

- Jessie.

You're a sphincter muscle, Adam!

She's mad.

She always swims when she's mad.

Hi.

- Hi, Mr. Lawrence.

- What's going on out there?

The kids think Boy George is staying here,

and I'm trying to convince them he's not.

Your editor called and said it's urgent

that you get back to him.

- Really? Thanks.

- Yeah.

We want Boy! We want Boy!

- Hello?

- Adam, it's Mark. Hold on.

Where were you these last three days?

Skiing, Mark. I've been skiing

the beautiful High Sierras.

Skiing.

- What's that got to do with the story?

- Very little, I suspect. What's up?

The whole world wants to get

that McKenzie piece.

- Like who?

- New York Times, Washington Post...

Wall Street Journal, Time,

Newsweek, the wires.

As you weren't in, all I could say was,

"Eat sh*t and die."

- You're a real phrasemaker.

- And McKenzie's lawyers called.

They want the story bad.

They offered me money not to run it.

Did you take it?

Adam, eat sh*t and die.

We want Boy!

- Yes, Mark?

- Then some guy calls and says...

no health club will keep you healthy

if McKenzie's story runs.

Sounds like I'm being followed.

God, wait a minute.

I think my room has been searched.

- What? Where are the tapes?

- In my bag.

Maybe you better get home.

I don't have anyone to hang a story on.

What happened to Miss Pied Piper

in leotards? She was perfect.

- She's not. There's no story there.

- You sure?

I said there's no f***ing story there,

but I'll find one, okay?

Hold on. What's the matter with you, Adam?

Hey, do you think I like it out here?

I can't stand it here. I hate California.

Nothing ever goes right for me here.

Cherchez la femme.

Sounds like you're in love

with a California airhead.

Eat sh*t and die, will you?

Hello? No, this is Sally. Who's this?

Yeah, just a minute.

Linda, it's for you.

It's that guy from Rolling Stone.

You're kidding.

- What do you want him to do?

- Take it off!

Isn't he wonderful?

Sally is so proud of him.

- How long has he been doing this?

- Ever since she met him.

- They met at the Sports Connection, right?

- Right. The first day we joined.

- She's so lucky.

- Yeah.

She had no idea he was a male stripper.

That's my lover who's out there.

Ladies in the back,

move down to the front steps!

Move to the front

with your tips for Roger!

- Can you see all right?

- What?

Can you see all right?

I'm sorry you have to watch from there...

but Roger had to do some fast talking

to get you in at all.

It's fine. I can see.

Now, watch this.

- Nobody knows they go together.

- That's great.

- Hi, Linda.

- Hi, Matt.

- How you doing?

- Good.

- How are you?

- Great.

- Can I get you another drink?

- Sure, yeah.

- Adam, you want a drink?

- No, thank you.

I'll be right back.

- God, you know everybody.

- He works out at the gym, too.

I know everybody at the gym.

It's like my home away from home.

He's real nice.

- He's been on Merv Griffin.

- You know, it doesn't surprise me.

- What?

- I say, it doesn't surprise me...

that you know all the handsome men.

I bet a pretty girl like you gets hit on a lot.

Yeah, I do okay.

Excuse me...

I'll be right back.

I have to talk to Sally.

Sally. Sally, come here.

- It's going great, isn't it?

- Fantastic.

Listen, he is so charming.

I want to invite him to the party.

What?

Adam. He's so charming.

- I want to invite him to the party.

- Great.

I think he's trying to seduce me.

Hey, Sally, happy birthday.

No, Robert, not yet.

Not until the stroke of midnight.

- Sally, where's Linda?

- She's around here someplace.

She's with that Rolling Stone reporter.

Don't tell anybody...

but he's going to make us

the focus of the article, maybe.

So act natural, okay?

And this is Sally's bedroom over here.

- And this is my bedroom.

- Nice.

Just don't call me a male stripper.

I'm an exotic dancer. And don't forget it.

Are you sure you don't want

to take off your coat?

- It's hot.

- Not really.

Do you mind if I use a tape recorder

or take notes?

Not at all. You got to get it right.

I don't want to be misquoted.

Next question?

- Hi, guys.

- Hi, Linda.

Hey, Linda.

Come over here and sit on my face.

Shut up. I'm being interviewed.

Tell him about the bachelor party.

- I was drunk.

- And the night in the back of a Mustang.

What night? I don't remember you there.

Were you there?

That was really good.

Remember that? That was great.

I hope everyone likes vegetarian food,

because I'm a fanatic.

I wanted everything to be healthy tonight.

Except the birthday cake.

I made that with white sugar.

You can't have a healthy birthday cake.

Did you girls ever frequent singles bars?

Did you do that scene?

Did we ever.

For a while I think that's all we did.

Yeah, we had our own bar stools

with notches on them...

in every singles bar in the Marina.

Linda, stop talking like a sleaze.

We weren't that bad.

Why did you decide to join a health club?

Any one thing?

I got sick of drinks

with parasols in them.

No, I just got so tired of waking up

feeling crummy every day.

I kept meeting one jerk after another.

I wanted to meet a healthy man.

Linda, you'll give the wrong impression.

Not everyone joins to meet someone.

- Most people join just to work out.

- Now, speak for yourself.

A psychic told Sally she'd meet

the man of her dreams at a health club.

Right, so that's when we joined

the Sports Connection.

- And you met Roger the very first day.

- Yeah.

It was love at first sight.

I took one look at those tits

and my whole body got hard.

You're terrible. He's writing that down.

Come on, Sally,

you're just as proud of them as I am.

Actually, I am.

As a little girl,

I would go to Ann-Margret movies.

I'd come home praying for tits.

Now, I prayed for tits, too, you know.

God just didn't answer my prayers.

Yes, He did. God answers all prayers.

He just said no.

Do you see similarities

between singles bars and health clubs?

Yeah, but I love health clubs

a lot better.

Singles bars are really humiliating.

You're waiting there to meet somebody.

- You have an excuse to be at a health club.

- Right.

And it's a lot safer

looking for Mr. Goodbody...

than looking for Mr. Goodbar.

That's good. I'll use that.

- Really? You like that?

- Yeah.

This is so much fun.

I feel like I'm on Johnny Carson.

- I really like that cleft in your chin.

- Thanks.

"Happy birthday to you

"Happy birthday to you

"Happy birthday, dear Sally"

God!

"Happy birthday to you

"And many more"

Make a wish!

Okay.

Blow. Blow.

Somebody get the lights on.

Here, open this one first.

- Roger, not yet. She's got to cut the cake.

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