Persona Page #2

He says I go around like a sleepwalker.

I think that's unfair.

I was best in my group with the exams.

But he probably means something else.

You know...

Oh, sorry. You know

what I sometimes think of?

At the hospital where I did my exam,

there's a home for old nurses.

Ones that have always been nurses,

lived for their work. Always in uniform.

They live in their small rooms. Imagine

devoting your whole life to something.

I mean, believing in something.

Accomplishing something.

Believing that one's life has a purpose.

I like things like that.

Sticking to one thing doggedly,

irrespective. I think one ought to.

Mean something to other people.

Don't you think so as well?

I know it sounds childish,

but I believe in it.

Goodness, it's raining a lot!

Oh, yes. He was married.

We had a relationship for five years.

Then he got tired, of course.

I was very much in love, that's for sure.

And he was the first.

I remember it all like a long torment.

Long periods of pain

and then short moments when...

I'm thinking of it as you've taught me

to smoke. He smoked loads.

Thinking of it afterwards,

it's really banal. A real pulp fiction.

In a strange way

it was never really real.

I don't know how to describe it.

At least, I was never quite real to him.

My pain was real, that's for sure.

Somehow it was is if it was part of it

in some nasty way.

As if that's how it was supposed to be.

Even the things we said to each other...

Many people have told me that

I'm a good listener. Funny, huh?

No one's ever bothered to listen to me.

Like you are now. You're listening.

I think you're the first person

who's listened to me.

It can't be interesting at all.

You could read a good book instead.

God, I'm going on.

You're not getting irritated?

It's so nice to talk.

It feels so nice and warm.

I feel like I've never felt

in my whole life.

I always wanted a sister.

I only have a load of brothers. Seven.

Funny, huh? Then I come along. I've

been surrounded by boys all my life.

I like boys. But you would know that

with all your experience as an actress.

I really like Karl-Henrik.

But, you know, you only love once.

I'm faithful to him. In my profession

there are opportunities, I can tell you.

Karl-Henrik and I had hired

a cottage by the sea.

It was June, we were all alone.

One day when Karl-Henrik had gone

into town, I went to the beach alone.

It was really nice and warm.

There was another girl there.

She lived on an island nearby -

- but had come over as our beach lay

to the south and was more relaxed.

So we lay beside one another

completely naked and sunbathed.

We slept a little, woke up,

and put on some oil.

We wore these hats on our heads,

you know, those cheap straw hats.

I had a blue ribbon around my hat.

I lay looking out from under the hat -

- glanced out at the landscape,

the sea and the sun.

It was so curious.

Suddenly I saw two figures jumping

about on the rocks above us.

They hid and peeped out

occasionally.

There are two boys looking at us,

I said to her. Her name was Katarina.

Well, let them look, she said,

and turned on her back.

It was such a strange feeling.

I wanted to run and put on

my costume, but I just lay still...

On my belly with my bum in the air,

totally unembarrassed, totally calm.

All the time I had Katarina beside me

with her breasts and thick thighs.

She just lay there

giggling a little to herself.

Then I saw the boys had come nearer.

They just stood looking at us.

I saw that they were terribly young.

Then one of them, the bravest one -

- he came up to us

and squatted down beside Katarina.

He pretended to be busy with his foot

and sat poking between his toes.

I felt totally strange.

Suddenly I heard Katarina say:

Aren't you going

to come over here?

Then she took his hand and helped

him take his jeans and shirt off.

Suddenly he was over her and she

helped him in and held his behind.

The other boy just sat on the slope

and watched.

I heard Katarina whisper in his ear

and laugh.

I had his face right next to me.

It was all red and swollen.

Suddenly I turned over and said,

Aren't you going to come to me too?

Katarina said, Go to her now.

And he pulled out of her and...

...he fell over me, completely hard.

He took hold of one breast.

God, it hurt so much...

I was all ready somehow, I came

at once. Can you understand that?

I was just going to tell him, Be careful

so that I don't get pregnant -

- when he came. I felt...

I felt it like I'd never felt it before

how he sprayed his seed into me.

He gripped my shoulders and bent

backwards. I came over and over.

Katarina lay on her side looking

and she held him from behind.

When he came she embraced him

and made herself come with his hand.

And when she came she screamed

really loud.

Then all three of us started laughing.

We called the other boy sitting

on the slope. His name was Peter.

He came down all confused,

looking frozen in the sunshine.

Katarina unbuttoned his trousers

and started playing with him.

When he came

she took him in her mouth.

He bent down and started kissing her

on the back.

She turned around, took his head in

both hands and gave him her breast.

The other boy got so excited,

so he and I started again.

It was as nice as the first time.

Then we swam and parted. When I

came back, Karl-Henrik had returned.

We ate dinner together and drank

the red wine he had with him.

Then we slept together.

It's never been as good, before or since.

Can you understand that?

Then I fell pregnant, of course.

Karl-Henrik, who's studying medicine,

took me to a friend who aborted it.

We were both happy.

We didn't want any children.

Not just then, anyway.

It doesn't make sense.

None of it fits together.

Then you get a bad conscience over

small things. Can you understand?

What happens to everything

you believe in? Isn't it necessary?

Can you be one and the same person

at the same time?

I mean, was I two people...?

God, I'm being silly...

I don't have any reason

to start snivelling, anyway.

Wait, I'm going to fetch a tissue.

It's nearly morning...

and it's still raining.

Imagine, I've been talking in a stream.

I've talked and you've listened to me.

How boring for you. Of what interest

can my life be to you?

One should be like you.

You know what I thought

when I saw your film that night?

When I came home I saw myself

in the mirror and thought: we're alike.

Don't misunderstand me, you're much

prettier, but we are alike in a way.

I think I could turn myself into you.

If I made a real effort.

I mean inside.

You could turn yourself into me

just like that.

Although your soul would be much

too big. It would stick out everywhere!

You should go to bed now. Otherwise

you'll fall asleep at the table.

No, I must go to bed.

Otherwise I'll fall asleep at the table.

That would be

a little too uncomfortable.

Good night.

Listen, Elisabet...

Did you speak to me last night?

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