Personal Services

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- What is it? What does it mean?

- What?

- DIY.

- Do it yourself.

I know, but it's not messing about

with Black & Decker drills.

- It might be.

- Tell me.

- Do it yourself.

- I know.

- Well, that's what it is.

- What?

Do it yourself.

No, still don't get it.

Oh!

Ho, ho, ho.

Oh, I see, do it yourself!

That's filthy, really filthy.

How do you know that?

I didn't know.

How do you know these things?

- And O-levels. What are O-levels?

- Ssh.

Why? Why shush? Don't tell me to shush.

O- levels are exams.

What my David's doing at his private school.

He's doing his O-levels.

Here you are.

- Do you enjoy it, June?

- What?

- Sex.

- When I get it. What about you?

Wet knickers and missed periods.

First time I had it, I thought

I'd been knocked down by a brewer's dray.

Eh! Rose!

You bugger!

You owe me rent.

Bloody tart!

- Can you cover for me? I've got to go out.

- What, now?

- BCSD.

- BCSD.

Christine, BCSD.

Oh, Christmas!

Oh, thanks, babe.

- What about tonight?

- What about the weekend?

- The Dorchester.

- David's sports day.

- Dinner and dance.

- Very nice.

And put your best frock on.

- BCSD.

- BCSD.

Hello.

Oh, yes, that's right.

Yes. Yes, Ginette is 22.

She has a full but firm 36-24-36 figure

and offers a full personal service.

You will like her.

Ginette has devastating revealing photos,

caters for party lovers,

and offers a full theatrical wardrobe.

French maid, nurse, gymslip, that kind of thing.

Mild CP and other games.

Executive fun for the over 40s.

Kinky but not cruel.

Why not pop round?

Good. Bye-bye.

- Excuse me. Thank you.

- Sorry.

Forgot my keys.

See you later. Make yourself at home. Ha ha!

Oops, excuse me.

- Good afternoon.

- Good afternoon.

You have an appointment with the governess.

No, that is not correct.

I have an appointment with the nanny.

Mr Marples, for the nanny.

- I thought Mr Marples was for House of Pain.

- No, winkie-poos and bot-bots.

Oh, God!

It's taken me an hour to get into this lot.

- Gotcha!

- Oh!

Where's my bloody rent?

I want my...

Miss Painter?

- Rent. You owe me rent.

- It's the rent man. I heard him.

Miss Painter, I know you're in there. Open up.

- I want my rent.

- I want my rent, do you hear me?

R E N T spells rent.

I know you're in there.

Miss Painter.

Rent by Friday or I send in the heavy mob.

See how you like it.

Rent.

Oh, gawd, I'm sorry, Christine.

I ain't done the business.

I've had the curse, and the flu.

Terrible flu, and the curse as well.

Business is terrible.

I'm here all on my own.

There's the phone to answer, the door,

the client to service.

- Then get a maid.

- I'd better go before someone steals the baby.

- What are you doing with that?

- My one's broke.

- I'll get you one.

- What?

- A maid.

- You?

First thing Monday.

Get your knickers into gear.

- Yes?

- Oh, is... is Melanie here?

No, she's not.

- Yes?

- Are you free at the moment?

- Are you a married man?

- Yes.

What about your wife, then?

What's wrong with her?

Well, we've not had sex for 23 years.

Are you available?

What do you think I am?

- Mr Popozogolou.

- Miss Painter.

How convenient to find you at home.

May I come in?

Yes, of course. Come in.

This way, please.

Come in, sit down, make yourself at home.

- I suppose you're here for the rent.

- That is correct.

Miss Painter, you are

one week behind with the rent.

- One whole week.

- I haven't got it, but I can get it.

I always pay my way.

I believe in paying my own way.

That is very correct.

Miss Painter,

you do not live here, do you?

I'd like to live here.

- You are subletting, yes?

- I suppose so.

To what kind of person you are subletting?

Same as a lot of the other flats in this block.

You should know.

- Prostitutes.

- Tarts.

I see.

You're doing all right here.

All these flats. What a racket.

Oh, pa pa pa pa pa.

Miss Painter,

what are you going to do about the rent?

I have a son at school, private school.

I have to pay the fees.

I'll give it to you next week.

Why wait until next week?

Give me a week.

Why wait until next week

when you can pay me now?

I can't pay you now.

The rent, Miss Painter.

It must be paid.

One way or another.

Oh.

I had a sexual encounter with my landlord today.

- What brought that on?

- The rent.

Mr Popozogolou.

That's his name.

Christine, get rid of 'em.

- What?

- Those flats. Get rid of 'em, all of 'em.

- She's right, Christine.

- If the cows paid the rent...

They won't pay the rent.

You're the only ones that ever pay.

Look, bugger the girls.

You get rid of those flats.

Dolly, have a look at this.

Ain't that lovely?

- I could live in that.

- Yeah.

- Here.

- What's this for?

- It's a bit extra.

- You've already paid. You can't pay twice.

We've been using your living room

as well as your bedroom.

We've been off our feet.

- And I'm away for the next two weeks.

- Is that next week?

It's the next two weeks. I told you.

I'm Saudi Arabia this weekend,

and then off down to Ron's mum in Brighton.

Saudi Arabia?

- For the weekend.

- For the weekend?

- She's got a sheik in Saudi Arabia.

- 104 if he's a day.

- Flies me out when he gets randy.

- Once every two years.

What about your sugar daddy?

The one with the big car.

He's got loads of money. What's his name?

Sydney.

- Sydney.

- BCSD.

BCSD.

- What's BCSD?

- Big car, small dick.

It's true, Shirley. I can't find it.

I spend all my time rummaging

inside his pyjamas looking for his little willy.

Too many things can go wrong with sex.

Too many bits and pieces.

- He takes you to nice places.

- There's no romance.

- No dick.

- No dick.

Not like Mr Popozogolou.

- He had a really funny one, Mr Popozogolou.

- Marry him. Keep you laughing.

It was like...

It wasn't long, but my God, it was...

What's that German sausage called?

- Salami.

- Liverwurst.

Liverwurst. It was like a lump of liverwurst.

It was like that.

He wanted me to put it in his mouth.

Can you imagine?

- His mouth?

- My mouth. You know.

What did you do?

- I went down and had a look.

- And then what?

I came back up again bloody quick.

I couldn't do it for love, let alone money.

- So what did you do?

- I did him with my hand. This one.

- A hand job?

- That's right.

- A wank.

- A Popozogolou.

A Popozogolou!

It... It went...

It went... brrrp!

Just like that.

Really high. I mean, even he was surprised.

- I'll pay.

- I need a wee.

He's a nice man, Mr Popozogolou.

I felt sorry for him.

- What are you doing the next couple of weeks?

- I thought I'd knit a cardie.

- You know Rose?

- Scrag-end Rose?

Could you maid for her

until she finds somebody else?

- No.

- Why not?

She's a scrubber.

I wouldn't maid for no scrubber.

Oh, here's Ron.

- Hello, Ron.

- All right, Doll?

- Come on, we'd better go, love.

- See you.

She's a young model of 21,

a petite figure, but very sexy.

You will like her.

That is correct. Yes.

She offers a full personal service.

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