Personal Services Page #2

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Sophisticated, discreet, and clean.

Five o'clock last caller.

Why not pop round?

We are 33, that's 3-3, Pierpoint Street.

That's right, as in Albert.

Hope to see you, then.

God, I'm freezing!

What man in his right mind

wants to get his cock out in this weather?

Hi.

- What are you doing here?

- You've got one.

- What?

- Client. I'm your new maid.

- You? A prostitute's maid?

- Why not?

- Get a move on. You've got a client.

- Bugger him. I need a coffee.

Listen to me.

I've chucked in my job at the caf for this.

So get in here, get on your back, and get busy.

Well, who is it? I don't want no time wasters.

Oh, it's you.

All right. I'll do him first.

Come on.

Thanks.

Bloody hell!

That was quick.

- See the man to the door, then.

- Yes, of course.

- Thank you. Goodbye.

- Oh, thank you. Did you change your mind?

Pardon?

Did you change your mind?

No.

Oh, come again, then.

- Nice to see you.

- Thank you.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- That was quick.

- "That was quick".

Piss off and make some coffee.

- You look like Dracula's daughter.

- "That was quick".

It was quick.

It was in and out, just like that. In, out.

You do, you look just like Dracula's daughter

in that outfit, you really do.

Oh, leave me alone. Just piss off, will you?

- Piss off!

- Piss off yourself.

This is my flat. Speak to me like that!

You can piss off yourself.

Right.

Right.

I will.

I've got better things to do.

Freezing my tits off in this dump.

- You can stick it up your gonger.

- Eight weeks' rent.

No, no, you said piss off, and piss off I shall.

Eight weeks' rent.

Here. You reckon you're so bloody juicy.

Get on your back and earn it yourself.

Cow!

Hello? No, she's not here.

No. No, she's gone to a health farm.

Oh, yes, we are.

If you ring tomorrow, there'll be a new girl on.

Sentimental music on radio

Dracula's daughter.

Can I come in, babe?

Gawd, Sydney, do I need it?

What do you want, Sydney?

It's the middle of the night. What do you want?

- Oh, babe. I've been thinking, babe.

- I'm not a babe, Sydney.

I'm not your babe

or anybody else's baby, all right?

I know you're not, babe.

What do you want?

I've come to ask you to marry me.

Oh, dear.

No, I know it's not a very good idea.

I know it's not.

But if you think about it, it is.

You need somebody,

somebody to look after you.

I've got loads of money.

You know, loads.

And no-one to share it with.

I could look after you.

Say yes, and I'll open a bottle right now.

Pop, just like that.

Bottle of bubbly.

I bought you some flowers.

Think about it, babe.

When you wake in the morning

and see these flowers,

think about it.

There's a bottle of bubbly waiting. There.

- One on the way, dear.

- One on the way!

Ha, ha! I hope not. Dolly, I can't stop piddling.

Where's the gin?

- You don't have to do it.

- What's sex ever done for me?

- Up the duff at 16.

- That's no reason.

If you don't want to do it, don't.

Pull yourself together, do. Go on, get in there.

Go on.

Dolly, I need another widdle.

- How much do I charge?

- Leave that to me.

Ready, dear?

Oh!

I'm ready.

- You don't look it.

- I'm ready.

Oh!

Oh, it's you.

Fancy meeting you here.

- We know each other.

- Come in, come in.

Thank you.

It's all right, Dolly. Shut your mouth.

Go on. It's all right.

Well, fancy meeting you here.

Caught up with you at last, eh?

Would you like a cup of tea?

- Pardon?

- Would you like a cup of tea?

- Have two. No extra charge.

- I've only got a short time.

- Oh.

- Business.

What line of business are you in?

- Double glazing.

- Double glazing? Well, I never.

Yes.

What a lot of job satisfaction there must be...

in...

double glazing.

Bringing all that extra warmth

into people's lives.

You've not had sex for 23 years, have you?

Pardon?

- You told me.

- No, with my wife.

I've not had sex with my wife for 23 years.

Oh.

She's an invalid.

I'm sorry. 23 years.

That must get very frustrating for you.

Your maid said you give excellent French?

Oh, yes, very good. Every time.

Just exactly how do you like your French?

Well, I'd like you to wear

bright red lipstick, if you can.

- Really?

- I'm willing to pay extra for that.

Right. Ah, oh, no.

Er, just a minute.

Dolly.

Dolly, we've got no doodahs.

No, you know, contraventives.

- Contraventives?

- Yes, you know...

- Doodahs.

- Oh, French letters.

That's it. Plonkers.

We've got no plonkers, Dolly.

I look a right bloody tart in this.

Here you are. Get a move on.

- These are black. Dolly, these are black.

- I know.

They're for black men.

- No, Chinamen use them all the time.

- Do they?

Bloody Ada!

He's a lovely man.

Brings happiness to millions with double glazing.

He's not had sex for 23 years.

Right.

- Do you think this looks nice?

- Oh, yes.

I prefer it in a chair, if you don't mind.

In a chair?

Yes.

I've never done it in a chair.

- Now, where would you like me, exactly?

- Well...

with me myself sitting, and you kneeling.

You want me to sit?

No, I'm sitting.

- Where am I?

- Kneeling.

- Kneeling?

- Yes, I'm sitting and you're kneeling.

On the floor.

- On the floor?

- I find that's the best way.

- I see. You'll have to wear one of these.

- What, for French?

Do you think I want to get pregnant?

- How can you get pregnant?

- Very easily indeed.

- That's not what I want.

- I should think not. What do you want?

A blow job.

Please.

Deep throat.

If possible.

Oh.

That's why I wanted the lipstick.

Well, you'll still have to wear one of these.

Very well.

Do you see what I'm wearing?

You like that, don't you?

- Yes, I do.

- Do you like my legs?

Yes.

- Do you?

- Yes, I do.

Come here. Come a bit closer.

Now, I want you to kneel, there's a good boy,

but not to touch my lovely legs.

- They're lovely.

- Yes.

Very smooth.

- Just here, above the stocking.

- Yes.

Very smooth.

There, look. Get closer.

But not to touch.

Now, I'm going to give you

something very special.

Very special indeed.

It's called a Popozogolou.

- Thank you, dear.

- Thank you.

Oh.

She's nice.

- She's very nice indeed.

- Good.

- One here, another on the way, dear.

- Bloody Ada! Hang on.

- Stinks like a bleeding brothel in here.

- You all right?

Like a concert pianist.

We're going to need lots of tissues.

She's not quite ready, dear.

I'm ready. Come in. Sit down. Lie down.

Make yourself comfortable. Thank you, Dolly.

- You're busy.

- Never a dull moment.

- What's on offer?

- Well...

I have been doing French,

but there's a special on today - a Popozogolou.

Very tasty. I'm sure you won't be disappointed.

How much?

Oh, Dolly deals with that.

Dolly deals with the lolly!

Who's Dolly?

Her outside. She's my maid.

Your maid? I see.

And she deals with the money?

That's right.

- Get back to you on this one, all right?

- Oh, yes.

Everything all right, dear?

- I discuss the price with you, right?

- If you want, yes.

Good.

See you later.

- Funny man.

- Gangster.

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