Petunia Page #6

there tomorrow night.

Then MOMA, or no, better yet, The Whitney.

We need new box springs.

Actually, I think I'd like the beach.

Tom and Joan offered us

their place in Southampton for the weekend.

- Oh, God, not now.

- They said any time.

- But I hate the sun.

- So we'll bring an umbrella.

And the sand and the crowds.

And the whole mundane,

beach relaxation concept.

It's just that...

What is there to do?

Uh, spend time together.

Isn't that what we're doing now?

You know, I'm really trying here, Percy.

Seriously, I think I need a chiropractor.

Hello!

Are you in there?

Could you look at me...

Could you listen to me?

Oh, Jesus, Percy.

Who the f*** are you?

I'm lying on a table with

a rather unattractive...

...piece of cutlery stuck to

my rather unattractive ass.

Well, you're here, but

you're not really here.

You checked out a long time ago.

If I had known you were putting on a show,

I'd have bought tickets.

OK. All right...

The kids are grown.

The mortgage is paid.

And there's nothing on the calendar.

When is it our turn, huh?

I have no idea.

The whole time it's been,

wait till Michael gets out of Columbia.

Let's get Charlie through summer camp.

Let's help Adrian find a job.

Our life is finally ours again.

Why don't you want it?

What?

You don't want me anymore.

Is that it?

What did I just do?

I tried.

Yeah. That was like a chore.

You know that...

Oh, you were so f***ing

close too, OK, I just...

I would like to know where, where we stand.

I mean, do you care?

Do you not care?

Do you ever stop talking?

I think I just did.

Your brother is driving me crazy.

Jesus, Vivian, you scared me.

Sorry.

I hate him.

Why?

He won't even return my phone calls.

I thought you lived with him.

No, Adrian.

I think it's Adrian's.

You had sex with Adrian?

No, he just looked at me really intensely,

and then boom, I was pregnant.

Yes, I had sex with Adrian.

You're married to Michael.

Yeah, that's true.

Well, I don't know...

Don't react. Just listen.

You're the only one I can

talk to about this anyway.

It's all going to be OK.

Don't say that.

Why?

It's probably not true.

Maybe I don't even want it to be OK.

I'm just...

God, I'm so, so messed

up over all of this...

I can't have this kid.

It's ruining my plans.

Maybe it will settle you down.

That's just it...

I don't want to settle down.

I'm exactly the opposite.

Yeah, you should be having it.

Vivian, you can't drink with the baby!

Charlie...

That's a partial myth.

No, it's not!

You'll get the baby drunk.

Hmm, lucky him.

It's a boy?

So...

You and Vivian...

What?

She told me.

It was innocent.

An innocent fling with your brother's wife?

This doesn't involve you, Charlie.

It does now.

This is messed up.

She doesn't know whether it's yours or his.

It will look the same either way.

Oh, my God.

Adrian, your dong is

gonna be the death of me.

That just sounds weird, bro.

You know what I mean.

I know I f***ed up.

You know how you are with peanut brittle?

I'm like that with p*ssy.

I just can't turn it down.

Did you just compare

peanut brittle to vagina?

I know how much you love it.

It's game.

I'm gonna go to a seminar.

Another one?

They're helping me figure things out.

I feel like an idiot.

I should be doing this myself.

I mean, this is why we hire people.

There's something about a dad

building a crib for his kid.

That whole thing.

Michael, we're not like that.

Yeah, I guess we're not.

I'll see you later, OK?

And look, don't worry about this.

I mean, you're paying the guy, right?

It's practically the same thing.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Charlie, have you ever f***ed a woman?

Excuse me?

A woman.

Even if it was anal, it still counts.

Um... No, I haven't.

Well, because, I was thinking about it.

And I was thinking that

we should all have sex.

Uh...

Are you serious?

Yes. What?

We're all adults here.

What's the big deal?

I'm gay.

That's just a title.

I mean, George isn't very...

three times a year.

What do you think?

I'm a little freaked out right now.

What?

I just...

I want to be normal.

I don't know what that is, but -

I know this isn't even close.

I can't be in a three-way

marriage with you.

Are you breaking up with us?

No. I love both of you.

This, this is just weird.

This is about your parents' divorce,

isn't it?

You didn't tell me that.

I'm sorry, I need to...

go, I'm gonna go.

Good try.

What are you doing?

I'm worshipping your cock.

I saw it on Oprah.

I'm confused.

It's because you're thinking

about it too much.

Come on.

But it isn't the third

Wednesday of the month.

Or your birthday, or my birthday.

Oh, I can't do this.

What?

I can't do this with you, George.

I've been f***ing starving

for the past five years.

So eat something.

No. No, you don't get it.

You don't give me enough credit.

I am f***ing starving for love.

I want a husband that fucks me and loves me,

and is my best friend.

I do love you.

You are my best friend.

What do you want me to do?

I'll do it.

Do you, do you want me to...

I'll put a strap-on.

I will.

I'll... I'll wear

those collared shirts.

I'll be more aggressive.

What do you want me to do?

I'll change.

Robin...

I don't want to be one of those people

that settles for a shitty life...

because the alternative takes too much work.

Doesn't it all come back

to friendship anyway?

I'm leaving you.

It's all about living in the moment, people.

If you live in the moment,

you will find happiness.

And happiness...

is the secret to life.

Let it go.

You could have knocked.

I did - for five minutes.

You scared me.

My bad.

What do you need?

Robin left me.

What?

She's gone.

What?

I thought everything was OK.

She needs something more, she says.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do.

She loves you.

I know.

She's right...

She deserves better.

I'm going.

I'm not gonna chase after you, George.

Maybe this is all karmic.

She'll be back.

I don't know if I want that, either.

I don't know what I want.

I'm like a tween girl at summer camp.

That analogy is not at all attractive.

We're all stuck.

Look on the bright side, George...

We'll all be dead before long.

Percy, have you seen my keys?

I didn't want it to be like this.

I left them somewhere in the kitchen.

I think you need to hear this.

I need to check the mail.

Can we talk for a second?

I'm expecting a check

from that patient -

the one with the bad insurance.

Will you listen to me just, just for once?

God damn it!

I think we're idiots.

But I just feel like I'm waiting, waiting...

For what?

I mean, what do we have left?

All right.

I'm here, Felicia.

I may not be the man you met.

I may not be the man you hoped for.

I may not be the man I hoped for.

But I'm here...

And I think you love me more than you admit.

So...

What do we do?

My balls may sag.

My hair may fall out.

I think I'm actually shrinking.

Every day I...

I get older.

I'm freaked out.

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