Petunia Page #5

You're sitting there waiting

for something to happen.

Just inhale, exhale.

Inhale and exhale.

Sometimes breathing is

just so f***ing depressing.

Are you saying you want to kill yourself?

Oh, Viv, I'm a narcissist, sweetie.

We don't kill ourselves.

We just assassinate the character

of all the people around us.

Good.

I mean, 'cause that would be

sad, you know, if you died.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Do you think I'm...

If you were a man my age, would you...

Felicia, you're hot.

Really?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Maybe it's just me, you know?

It's not his fault.

Percy, I mean.

I guess it's kind of nice

sometimes, you know.

What's nice?

Just knowing that he's gonna

be there when I get home.

Waiting.

No matter what, no matter when,

he'll be there.

So then what's the problem?

Uh, it's just that he

doesn't look at me anymore.

No one does.

I'm not the entree anymore, Viv.

I'm the... garnish.

I'm the parsley.

I'm hungry.

Let's go.

- Ow.

- What?

It couldn't be kicking already, right?

No, no, honey.

That's just gas.

You know they say that being

pregnant is really beautiful,

but it's really kind of gross.

Oh, it's so gross.

It doesn't get any better.

But it's worth it most days.

Don't worry.

I'm not so sure.

And you never will be.

I, I, I really think I need

to dance, right now.

Because if I don't dance

right now, I will die.

Let's dance.

HERE WE GO NOW...

WE GETTING CRAZY RIGHT NOW

IT'S BANANAS

IT'S RIDICULOUS

IT'S CRAZY

LET'S DANCE

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

IS PUT YOUR HANDS

IN THE AIR:

EVERYBODY COME:

AND DANCE OVER HERE

FORCES YOU GONNA DEAL WITH,

WE THE NICEST:

WHO EVER SAW A FLOW

SO RIGHTEOUS:

SO I MIGHT JUS GET A LITTLE SPICY

A LITTLE ICY,

CHILLIN' IN MY WHITE T

GOT THE WHOLE WORLD

HOLLERING, SWALLOWING...

Knock, knock.

Robin, what are you doing?

What?

I don't even shower naked.

Oh, we're all adults here.

F***ing my husband.

I mean, are we not?

Are we not?

- Robin.

- I made you eggs.

I can't eat them, obviously.

But I, I made them for you.

- All right, thank you.

- Yeah, thank you.

F*** this.

I'm going running.

Ugh!

We said thank you.

She seems fine with it.

Yeah.

All right, where is she?

- What?

- Where is she?

What are you talking about?

Where the f*** is Vivian?

Calm down.

Charlie, I can't find her.

And I know that you two,

you have your little...

Well, clearly she is not here.

What the hell is he doing here?

I'm his alibi.

Are you f***ing my wife?

Michael, I am clearly gay.

How am I supposed to know

these things, Charlie.

You have a living room full of pussies.

They're Adrian's.

Adrian's. Why does he

get to have so many,

and I can't just have one?

Hmm?

You know, she doesn't love me.

It'll be okay, Michael.

Is that Vivian?

Hmm?

This is not what normal looks like.

Water my plants.

Michael, no!

I need a f***ing carb!

Oh.

Are you OK?

I'm fine.

Oh... I'm sorry.

Where's Charlie?

He's filling out some paperwork.

You jumped out a window?

Yeah.

But it was a second story.

So...

So, maybe it was more of a statement than...

an actual suicide attempt?

Mom, I went to grad school.

I wasn't trying to kill myself.

Then what the hell were you doing?

I just need some attention.

Oh...

Well, you know, I'm really

not happy about this.

I'm really not happy.

Nobody's happy, sweetie.

I mean, everyone's just...

They're just pretending.

Anyway...

The important thing is...

We, uh...

We...

We love you.

What?

What.

You've never said that before.

Well, maybe we should start.

You always said love is a revival

of your own narcissism.

It's a frivolous clich people use

to make them feel better about themselves.

OK, I'm gonna let you in

on a little secret, Michael.

I don't f***ing know what I'm talking about.

Hey, is everything OK?

No.

What are you doing?

I'm meditating.

How's that working out for you?

I think I'm having a panic attack.

How do you know?

Your palms are sweating, and you're shaking,

and you have tunnel vision, and I...

I can't breathe.

I have that all the time.

You do?

Yeah.

Anxiety's kinda my thing.

Oh, my God, me too.

Is George home?

No, he's out...

For the day.

Oh.

Don't take it personally, Charlie.

You can't take it personally,

or else it's all gonna go to sh*t.

You just got to put your blinders on.

That's what I do.

Are there, I mean, others?

Not in the building.

So is this the arrangement?

You know that idea that

everyone has that one person

that's out there, that's gonna be exactly

what you've always wanted?

I don't think that's true for everyone.

Neither do I.

If you want me to stop, I will.

George and...

I just want him to be happy.

And you can give him what I can't.

How's your panic attack?

This meditation thing is f***ing bullshit.

I know.

I much prefer drinking.

I'm really glad my husband's penis

introduced us.

I am, too.

Don't get any paint on the floor.

Your mom will kill us.

I paint for a living, Dad.

Yeah, well you track paint on the carpet,

she'll have an aneurysm.

Which is why God made paint remover.

Adrian, I, I, I, uh...

I need your help.

With what?

What's wrong?

Are you sick?

No.

Is Mom sick?

No, no, no.

You need to crash with me?

No. I...

I can't get, a goddamn erection.

Sh*t.

Yeah.

Well, you've, um, you've tried, um...

No, I've tried.

Yes, believe me, I've tried.

Well, if you want I could...

I can probably get you some stuff to help.

No.

Does that work?

I don't know.

I've never, you know.

But you can give it a shot.

You'd do that for me?

Sure, whatever.

All right, then...

Thanks.

Changing the subject...

Paint thinner.

So what are you thinking of naming the baby?

Oh, um...

Just, whatever.

Robin...

I was thinking Martha,

after Michael's grandmother.

Or Timothy, if it's a boy.

But actually, I really like Justin.

I'm sorry.

What do you think?

I, I don't really care.

I like Justin.

- Justin's nice.

- Yeah.

I like that one, yeah.

Would anyone care for a pig in a blanket?

Oh, no, none for me, thank you.

Robin's on a liquid diet.

Oh, well, appetite is part

of the libido, you know.

Starvation is an unconscious

way of avoiding sexuality.

Oh, well, that would make sense.

Sex and my husband don't go hand in hand.

Welcome to my world.

Sometimes you just need it though, right?

Yeah.

Actually, you know, um,

there are some people...

...who go celibate for years

into their marriage...

...to sublimate their libido,

to have more creative energy.

Yeah, well, my husband

fucks other men, so...

Oh.

I actually have my suspicions

that he's top, and a bottom.

He shaves his butthole.

Charlie would know,

actually, better than me.

That, that is, so oversharing.

So he's a bottom, isn't he?

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Do me a favor.

Just shut up for once.

Mmm...

Oh, God.

You know what I feel like?

A Caprese salad.

From that place in Tribeca.

What was the name of that?

Maybe we can get a reservation

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