Petunia Page #4

- You gotta hide.

What? F*** you.

This is great, you know that?

Please don't come out.

So I f***ed the maid on our honeymoon.

Seriously?

She was there, and flirting with me.

So I bent her over the wet bar,

and I f***ed her in the ass.

Where was Vivian?

She was in the steam room

or getting a massage -

I don't know.

I feel bad.

Sh*t happens.

Should I tell her or not?

You definitely should.

Don't you think that could

just cause unnecessary drama?

It's not like I'm ever gonna see

this random maid ever again.

Honesty is always good.

I should talk to Mom, huh?

I don't think so.

She'll just make you feel

better about yourself.

Oh, God forbid.

Everyone cheats.

Just forget it ever happened.

Hello.

Hi. May I speak with

George, please?

This is George.

George, hi.

It's Dr. Petunia,

Charlie's mom.

Oh... Hi.

Uh, is everything OK?

I just wanted to invite you

over for dinner tonight.

Oh, that's nice of you.

Yeah, how's five o'clock?

That's early.

OK, 5:
30.

My husband gets heartburn

if we eat any later.

Um, sure.

Sounds like fun.

Great. I'll see you then.

Bye bye.

You seem anxious.

Do I make you nervous?

No.

I'm just a little...

confused.

It's to be expected.

There's nothing to worry about.

This is a safe place.

This room is safe.

And what happens here, stays here.

I guess I'm just not sure

what I'm doing here without your son.

All right.

As you know, Charlie has

taken a vow of abstinence.

Did you turn up the heat?

I'm sweating.

As a psychologist...

As a psychologist,

I feel this is very unhealthy

for a boy his age.

85 degrees.

Are you trying to kill me?

Celibacy at 24 is indicative of

a more deeply rooted issue.

Do... do we have a fan?

Do you understand what I'm

trying to say here, George?

I can't say that I do.

We want you to have...

...with our son.

Just buy him a couple of drinks

and, and, and, well...

I suppose you know how to execute the rest.

You want me to date rape Charlie?

No. Just think of it as

aggressive seduction.

Mrs... Dr. Petunia.

If Charlie makes a choice...

I don't think you're

supposed to undermine it.

I love my son, George.

I want him to flourish.

I want him to have a

great and prosperous life.

And what he is doing is

psychologically unhealthy.

I...

I think you can help.

The damn thermostat is stuck.

What do you think, George?

Can you help our family?

I, uh...

George! I love you!

Answer me!

I love you!

He's not home.

OK.

Um, who are you?

His wife.

This is pretty...

Awkward?

I didn't know he was...

Straight.

Well, yeah.

Gay and straight are just labels.

Sexuality is the infinite variable.

Are you like those freaky Amish people?

George and I are a family.

And so whatever he needs,

I agree with, because...

Oprah had a book club book

on open marriage once.

I didn't read it.

I just held it so people on the bus

wouldn't talk to me.

Well...

Yeah, I know.

I mean, I know, it's not like

the most conventional thing.

We're not crazy sex maniacs or anything.

It's just... we gotta do

what we gotta do.

What are you drinking?

Lemonade, maple syrup,

brown sugar and prune juice.

It's a diet.

Are you serious?

Do I look like I'm joking?

Well, aren't you hungry?

Starving.

But it's a... it's a detox.

It's a cleanse.

It's a rebirth.

It's morally condoned anorexia.

Why not just work out?

I run 40 miles a week.

Wow.

I don't even cover 40 miles a year.

You look great.

Oh, I don't do it to look good.

I just want to feel like

I'm going somewhere.

And I run the f*** out of that reservoir.

Does it work?

No.

Some days I just want

to just keep on running.

Yeah, me too.

Charlie.

I see you've met Robin.

He loves you.

I thought you were home.

I didn't know you were...

We're married.

That's the word.

I'm gonna let you guys handle this.

I'll be inside ironing my panties.

I'm sorry.

I should have told you.

I thought we were...

We were, we are.

I don't believe that.

I know what I know.

Is that supposed to mean something?

I thought we could be friends

who have fun together.

We did. We are, right?

I'm gonna die.

This is why I don't date

people in my zip code.

You share a bodega.

You share a post office.

You shouldn't be dating anyone anyway.

You haven't been burned like the rest of us.

The rest of us settle.

You are the only person

that I have thought about for months.

You're gonna like a lot of

people in your life, Charlie,

believe me.

This is entirely f***ed.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Buddy?

You are the only person

that I've ever liked.

That's too much pressure.

Where have you been hiding her?

She was away for business.

You don't love me?

I don't know what that means.

I need to go.

Don't make this weird.

Me, make this weird?

Come on.

You know where I live.

Got coffee.

No drinking with my grandchild

in your womb, OK?

Excuse me.

Two Diet Pepsis, please.

Really smooth, Felicia.

- What?

- Well, it's...

OK, so now, you remember.

Guys are just like dogs.

But instead of doing tricks

for biscuits, they do tricks

for, uh, you know, the ladies.

I know what I'm doing.

Hey.

Well... Hello.

Do we know each other?

It's just that you look so familiar.

Oh, well, yeah, I used to get Demi Moore

and Catherine Zeta a lot, but that was

when my hair was darker.

Oh, I got it.

It's my aunt.

You look just like my Aunt Cathy.

Oh, my... That's chill.

What did you say?

I'm chill?

No, you chill.

Oh, hey, it's OK.

You know, I'm down.

You're not that down...

Trust me.

What's going on here?

Nothing.

We're... bitchin'.

I am not bitching.

You're bitching, you b*tch!

She doesn't know the lingo, all right?

No, I'm not familiar with

the current vernacular.

Oh, my God!

I love Vernacular.

I just saw them live.

Here. Take this.

Oh, thank you.

This is mine.

Here.

Cheers.

Oh, the water feels so...

so cleansing, so sensuous.

Oh, yeah.

This is helping.

This is better.

Are you OK?

Your eyes look a little weird.

OK... OK.

I'm great.

I am great.

I am beyond great.

I am...

Oh, oh.

I am so...

So, um...

I am so, so, so, so...

Oh, sh*t.

Vivian, I think I'm...

I'm starting to freak out a little bit.

I'm...

Wait, wait.

- Did you take something?

- No...

Well, maybe just a little...

Ecstasy.

Please don't tell Michael.

Please, please.

He'll judge me.

He's so self-righteous.

He's so, my son.

I won't tell him.

God, it's hot in here.

I think I'm overheating, Viv.

I think if I...

Maybe if I just lay down.

No, no, no.

Felicia, no.

Not here, not here.

Just hold on a second, OK?

It's all right.

OK, just relax...

You can lay down right over here.

Yes.

You've just got to ride it out.

- OK.

- Be careful.

I'm good.

Oh, it's so hot.

Are you OK?

Yeah...

Oh...

Oh, this is good.

It's so...

It's so cold.

Ahh.

See? You're fine.

Oh, I'm not.

I'm not fine.

I'm the opposite of fine.

Just relax.

No, I can't.

I can't relax!

Relaxation makes me anxious.

Oh, God.

This is why I don't take baths.

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