Petunia Page #3

I do.

Well, Adrian is the kind of...

Yeah, he's a little bit lost.

Well, Adrian's a good boy.

But he's a middle child.

Can we not get into this, Mother?

You and I are gonna get

together later, Melinda.

I've got some pointers as a professional

to help you deal with middle children.

Well, uh...

I sure would like Adrian to find somebody.

Although God knows, marriage

is like committing suicide

every single day of your life.

Hear, hear.

OK, we gotta go.

Go? Are you kidding me?

I made you tamales.

I can't believe I didn't serve them.

Since when have you ever made me anything,

especially tamales?

I am taking Spanish classes,

and I thought I would take in the culture.

I love Mexican food.

Of course you do.

Ole!

F*** me.

JINGLE BELLS:

JINGLE BELLS:

JINGLE ALL THE WAY

OH, WHAT FUN

IT IS TO RIDE:

ON A ONE HORSE:

OPEN SLEIGH:

OH, JINGLE BELLS...

I think with a few simple procedures,

we can have you easily

not look a day over 55.

I am 55.

Then we right the wrongs of time.

Doctor, do you think I'm pretty?

Well, judge for yourself.

Oh, oh!

All right, let's just, um,

start with a little filler, OK?

- Good first choice.

- Just don't overdo it.

Just really, really subtle.

You know, like people would say,

"Oh, you just got

back from vacation."

Or, you know...

"Oh, you look rested."

Like that.

OK?

You didn't tell him, did you?

I don't want everyone to hate me.

I want to be inside you so bad.

I'm ready.

Come to my apartment later.

God, your brother won't

let me go out at night alone.

I can pick you up.

No. It's way too risky.

Hey, George, it's Charlie.

Um, I tried you earlier twice.

Um, I just wanted to make

sure I didn't do something

to make you mad.

I had a great time the other night.

Um, so...

You have to stop obsessing, Michael.

It's the key to a healthy relationship.

- I love Vivian.

- Oh, don't say that.

I do, it's true.

You can only love yourself, Michael.

I'm tired of psychoanalyzing

everything I feel.

Isn't it healthy to feel something,

and say it and do it?

Oh, Michael, my oldest son.

You were clothed and fed

due to psychoanalyzation.

I just want to feel normal.

Oh, you are far from normal, my dear.

You are extraordinary.

Tell that to Vivian.

I will.

Vivian!

My son is extraordinary!

I know, Felicia.

They all are.

That's why I'm here.

What does that mean?

I'm pregnant.

Whose is it?

I don't know.

Yours, your brother's?

Who the f*** knows?

I'm gonna be a dad?

No, you're not gonna be a dad.

I'm not gonna be a mom.

I have an appointment on Monday.

You can't do that.

Yes, I can.

Oh, sorry...

Your mailbox cut me off.

Sorry for the long message.

Um, I'm going to be back downtown later.

So if you want to meet up,

maybe... OK.

Bye, call me.

I can't feel my face.

Charlie, what's wrong?

Nothing.

Why are you crying?

I'm trying to make myself feel better.

I'll make us some tea.

You don't make tea.

I know how. OK?

I even brought home some

tea bags from London.

OK, you know what?

I can do this.

Why are you being so weird?

I mean, you're always weird,

but more so today.

All right...

You know I can't lie to you boys.

If I could move my facial muscles,

you would see that I am

actually really, really angry.

No, no, no, no.

Don't worry.

I worked through my rage earlier.

Your father and I are getting a divorce.

What?

No, no.

You can't.

So you're going to give up just like that?

Mom, you can't do this to me right now.

Stop it.

Some shrinks you are.

This chicken is dry.

Dad.

I mean, have you even

tried to work things out?

I think this is overcooked.

The taste just isn't zesty.

I need the damn salt.

Oh, for God sakes.

Take the f***ing salt!

You think I haven't worked?

You think this is easy for me?

I haven't been f***ed in eight years!

It's better that way.

Charlie...

Charlie, what's wrong with you?

I can't talk about it.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I am going to throw up.

Why?

Because she's pregnant!

Ohh!

I'm going to be a grandmother.

Oh, you weren't supposed to tell anyone.

This is weird.

Aren't you excited?

I'm not ready to have a child.

Having children is the best thing I ever did

in my whole life.

I don't think we're going to have it.

Oh, oh, yes, you are.

- Oh, my God.

- What?

I may be a Democrat,

but when it comes to

my family, I'm pro-life.

You cannot kill my grandchild, Vivian.

- Is that an order?

- OK, Dad.

We haven't decided what we're gonna do yet.

I think it's pretty obvious.

You should have it.

Oh, I should have it?

Why don't you try shitting out a watermelon.

That's the easy part, sweetheart.

- I need another drink.

- Me too.

- Me three.

- No, no. You cannot drink.

You don't want a kid that

looks like Elf, do you?

There's no kid!

Merry f***ing Christmas.

Charlie?

I have a little surprise for you.

I wouldn't normally do this, but...

Oh, sh*t...

My mom has a bong?

Shh!

Mom, I don't even have a bong.

Pot is therapeutic.

You should know.

You know I smoked?

You didn't say anything?

Why do you think it always went missing?

- I thought it was Adrian.

- No, it was me.

Here.

You know, honey...

I think things are really

over with your father.

Are you OK?

I don't know.

It's just...

it's just so hard, like being right,

like, all the time.

You know, maybe you should take a break.

I have no idea how to do that.

I feel like I look old.

- You look young.

- No.

Maybe a little too young.

No. I look like a puffer fish.

Yes, but a young puffer fish.

Oh, I feel so old.

Oh, God.

Oh, what is it?

What's wrong?

I met someone.

Oh, that's fantastic.

He hasn't called me back.

I like him so much it makes me feel sick.

Oh, sweetie, I understand.

How long has it been?

One week.

Oh, honey.

Come here, come here.

Can I give you some advice, as your mother?

Take one more hit of this.

And then... that's it.

One more hit then we'll

take off the rubber band.

No, this is kill...

This is hurting you.

This is why he hasn't called...

- We're gonna take it off.

- No, please don't.

It's gonna break off...

I can't quite do it.

Shh...

So what the f*** are we going to do, huh?

About what?

About the fact that I'm pregnant.

We should handle this like adults.

Oh, God.

You know, I still feel like I'm 16.

I have no better idea what

to do now than I did then.

I think we need to f***...

And then decide.

Brilliant.

I hope it's Michael's.

He probably wants it more than me.

I think I like you more than him.

You're supposed to like me more than him.

You're married to him.

Don't say that word.

It's too permanent sounding.

This is not what I thought

it was going to be like.

I feel like...

I feel like a real a**hole, Vivian.

Do you?

Yeah.

You know, if it wasn't you

it'd probably be somebody else.

Yeah, I guess it's better

to keep it in the family.

Who the f*** is that?

I don't know.

Who is it?

It's Michael, open up.

Hey, uh, come on up.

- What is he doing here?

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