Phffft

"Outside, the night was as blak

as a oal miner's...

"Outside, the night was as blak

as a oal miner's T-shirt.

"I turned slowly away from the window.

"Then, for the first time,

she ould see the automati in my hand.

"Her eyes had that funny, mad look

I'd ome to know and fear.

"Her moist red lips were half-parted.

"Then slowly,

her eyes never leaving my fae...

"she began, one button at a time,

to undo the front of her sweater. "

- Robert!

- What? What is it?

Nothing.

Robert, I want a divorce.

No.

Robert, I want a: No.

Robert, I want a divorce.

Robert!

I want a divorce.

Can't you do any better than that?

No. I think it's a very good idea.

As a matter of fact,

the same thought had occurred to me.

You're lying in your teeth.

That's a typically childish and immature way

of trying to save face.

The same thought had occurred to me.

You just want me to feel

that you're the one that wants a divorce.

Well, you're not.

I'm the one that wants the divorce.

I'm the one. Just remember that. I'm the one.

I don't want to disillusion you,

but for the past six months.

I've been trying to get up enough courage

to mention the subject myself.

Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie!

- I've thought about it constantly...

- Lie! Lie!

As a matter of fact,

I even mentioned it to Charlie Nelson.

Lie:
You discussed this

with Charlie Nelson?

I did not say I discussed it.

I just said I mentioned it.

You discussed this with Charlie Nelson?

I only said, "Nina and I have not been

getting along very well recently.

"I sometimes wonder if it would not

be better if we were to get a divorce. "

- To which Charlie replied...

- What?

- Charlie said, "It's none of my business. "

- That's the absolute truth.

"It's none of my business...

"but as they say on Broadway,

'If the show is a flop, fold it. "'

That's so beautifully expressed.

You can see what makes Charlie Nelson

such a widely respected playwright.

Look, Charlie Nelson

is not only an old friend and a valued client...

...but That Was No Lady

was sold to Hollywood for $75,000.

- That suggests a certain amount of respect.

- That Was No Lady folded in Philadelphia.

It wasn't worth 75 cents.

While we're having the little discussion,

I'd just like you to know

I blame the whole thing on your mother

and her beloved Dr. Van Kessel.

Dr. Van Kessel is a brilliant analyst.

Brilliant? All he does is sit there...

- Earning $25 an hour listening to...

- $50 an hour.

Listening to neurotic women

discussing their sex lives.

- You know...

- He probably doesn't even listen.

It's absolutely impossible to carry on

a discussion with you on an adult level.

All right. Fine. Good, good, good!

- What grounds?

- I don't know.

Any ground.

- Mental cruelty.

- Mental cruel...

Of all of the ridiculous...

As a matter of fact, mental cruelty

happens to fit this situation very nicely.

It's just a legal phrase.

It has absolutely no meaning whatsoever.

It only means that for the past eight years.

...you've treated me as if I were

some kind of feeble-minded child.

- You've done your best to destroy me.

- Destroy?

I don't even know what that means.

You sound just like Serena Noble.

Keep Serena Noble out of this.

That's another thing.

You've subjected me

and my work to ridicule...

...and if that isn't mental cruelty...

It doesn't make any difference

because I won't contest it.

You won't contest it? You can't contest it.

Not in a million years, you can't contest it!

Well, now, Mrs. Tracey, ma'am,

as your lawyer, I ask you...

wasn't that a beautiful, beautiful divorce?

- A really lovely ceremony.

- You mean it's really all over?

That's all there is to it?

Well, ma'am, there's one thing more.

You could take off your ring,

if you wanted to.

Yes, I forgot.

I can't seem to get it off.

It's been on such a long time.

- A little saddle soap, ma'am.

- Yes.

I swear, when he said, "Divorce granted,"

well, there was tears in my eyes.

I always cry at divorces.

I don't know. It was so quick.

- Are you absolutely sure it's legal?

- Absolutely, ma'am.

I can hardly believe it.

It's too good to be true.

Well, ma'am, when two people,

down deep in their hearts...

...know they really hate each other,

that's the only thing that matters.

We really hate each other, all right.

There's no doubt about that.

Of course you do.

And I know you two

are going to be very, very happy.

Well, I am. I know that.

In fact, I'm very, very happy right now.

Lady Acres Ranch, please.

Just get divorced, lady?

Well, you sure got a nice day for it.

- He never thought I'd go through with it.

- What did you say, lady?

Nothing.

- Come again, lady?

- No, no. Nothing.

Poor Robert. I alled his bluff.

He's probably in a state of shok.

Probably never get over it.

Well, that's his problem.

He asked for it.

Got what was oming to him.

Poor Robert.

Right now he's probably moving into

some miserable, lonely, little hotel room.

with one window

that looks out over an airshaft.

It's great to be single again, again.

It's great to be single again.

Well, this is it, boy. Home sweet home.

I certainly appreciate

your letting me move in like this.

You're going to love it here, Bobby.

Hey.

This is your room in here.

Freddie just moved out.

He got married again.

The poor, foolish, headstrong boy.

- Is there more stuff down in the car?

- No, I don't think so, Charlie.

We started out

to get a few of my personal things...

we ended up looting the joint.

- Looting and pillaging.

- Yeah.

And sacking.

Looting and pillaging and sacking.

- And sacking.

- There.

Hukleberry Finn?

Yeah, that's my personal copy.

It has great sentimental value.

My Uncle William gave it to me

on my 12th birthday.

It says on the flyleaf there, it says...

"To little Robert, a real boy,

on his 12th birthday.

"His loving Uncle William. "

Bobby.

"To little Nina, on her ninth birthday.

Her beloved Aunt Sarah. "

Well, it's an honest mistake.

She won't miss it anyway.

- Good. Hey, what have you got in here?

- What? Hey! Wait a minute.

Wow!

I feel kind of guilty about swiping this stuff.

Why?

Well, Nina's the one

who read about the liquor sale at Macy's...

...and she's the one who lugged it all the way

up to Westport in the station wagon.

There's nothing in the divorce agreement

giving Nina custody of the liquor.

Well, it's very true.

As a matter of fact, that's a well-taken point.

Here, catch it, Charlie.

Sign that boy.

Yeah, sign. Hey, you know, I can go

to baseball games now, if I wanted to.

- Why not?

- How about that, Charlie?

And professional football games.

Nina hated professional football games.

Don't waste that stuff. It's precious.

- What do you got in there?

- Laundry.

Well, now that you're all moved in

and settled...

...let's get down to the business at hand.

Dames.

- Who we gonna get for you?

- Hey, wait a minute, Charlie.

Do me one favor. No dames.

Don't you introduce me to anyone.

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