Phffft Page #2

The last time you introduced me to a dame,

thank you...

...it was a disaster, a total disaster.

You introduced me to a dame,

it took me eight years to get over.

- No, thank you, not again!

- What are you talking about?

- What dame? Who did I introduce you to?

- Nina, that's who you introduced me to.

Hey, that's right.

Man, that was a long time ago.

- 1946.

- We were still in the Navy then.

Fighting the battle

of good old 90 Church Street.

Yeah, you were a big deal then.

A lieutenant in public relations.

I remember that afternoon only too well.

I was sitting at my desk.

...trying to get some work done,

and you came in.

In a jam, as usual.

- Say, Bobby.

- Yeah.

Bobby, I'm in a terrible jam.

Bobby, I have to find a hero.

- A what?

- A hero. I just promised the admiral.

You see, NBC's doing a radio show,

a documentary on the Navy...

...and they're sending a writer down here

to do some research...

...and I just guaranteed I'd find her

a real hero to talk to.

Well, find her a hero.

Yeah.

You know, Bobby, we've got

a great bunch of fellows down here.

The men of the public relations command.

The men of the legal staff.

There's even one guy on the third floor

who was actually on a ship once.

Yeah.

But we haven't got any heroes.

See? So, I was thinking, Bobby.

I was thinking,

maybe I could introduce her to you.

- Me?

- Sure. It's very simple.

You tell her a few war stories

and take her out to dinner.

Come on, don't be ridiculous.

Bobby?

I don't like to do this to you.

But I'm forced to remind you

that I am in command here.

Lieutenant Tracey, I order you to be a hero.

Why, I could never get away with it, Charlie.

- What would I say to her?

- Well...

- Come.

- Now, hey, Charlie.

- Lieutenant Nelson?

- Aye, aye.

I'm Nina Chapman from NBC.

Well, it's a pleasure, Miss Chapman.

I have somebody here I want you to meet.

Lieutenant Robert Tracey.

He's here on secret business for the admiral.

Lieutenant Tracey,

this is Miss Chapman from NBC.

- How do you do?

- A pleasure, Lieutenant.

I think he's just what you want, ma'am...

...a man who has ridden into the jaws of death

and out again.

Charlie, please.

Miss Chapman, the face may be young,

but the eyes, the eyes are old.

Okay, kids, you're on your own.

I have to be running along.

Excuse me. Charlie, now please, will you...

Just sit down, please.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Lieutenant?

- May I ask you a personal question?

- I guess so.

How long has it been

since you've seen a woman?

About 20 minutes.

Look, Miss Chapman, I'd better warn you.

Charlie:
Lieutenant Nelson there.

...has a rather vivid imagination,

and sometimes he tends to exaggerate.

Would it be too painful for you

to talk a little about...

What, this? Well, it's so ridiculous,

I'm ashamed to talk about it.

Ashamed? You should be proud!

Proud of what Stephen Crane called

your "red badge of courage. "

I got my finger caught

in an adding machine.

It's about time I got rid of this thing anyway.

You see, they have so few wounded

here at 90 Church Street...

...the doctors sometimes lose their heads.

I regret to inform you, Miss Chapman...

I spent the entire war

right here in this office, you see.

And right now, I'm helping the admiral

prepare his income tax return.

Well, look,

I'm just a lawyer on the admiral's staff.

I applied for sea duty three times

and I was turned down.

I just happen to be very good at contracts,

that's all.

I did manage:
Pardon me.

I did manage to save the Navy $750,000

in the past three years.

which is, in its own way, a very

valuable contribution to the war effort.

$750,000?

Yes, it just doesn't happen

to seem very heroic, that's all.

I think that's very heroic. And remarkable.

- You do?

- Yes. Take me, for instance.

I only earn $65 a week, and I've been

working for the last three weeks.

...trying to figure out my income tax.

It's still all mixed up.

I would be more than delighted, of course,

to offer any help and advice I can.

But of course,

I couldn't do that on the government's time.

- Of course not.

- Won't you?

Well, if you would like

to have dinner with me tonight...

well, I would be more than happy

to go over your entire tax structure.

...and offer any help and clarification

that I could.

Well, gee...

Well, shall we say,

I'll pick you up at 7:30 then?

- Address, please?

- 258 East 53rd.

Rental housing?

- Yes.

- On a participation basis?

- What?

- You have a roommate?

No. My mother does help out

with the rent, though, sometimes.

Your mother lives with you?

Of course not.

Mother believes it's very important

for people to live alone.

It develops independence and character.

- Well, until 7:
30 then.

- 7:
30.

- Goodbye.

- Bye-bye.

- Miss Chapman.

- Yes.

- Be sure and have your canceled checks.

- I will. I certainly will.

I guess you do quite a lot of entertaining

at home. For business reasons.

No, I don't.

Well, that's too bad, because that bottle

of wine, for instance, is deductible.

- Deductible?

- Of course, deductible.

Anything you spend for tax advice.

...is an entirely legal tax deduction.

- How many rooms have you got here?

- Well, this is it.

- Where do you sleep?

- That's very tricky.

You just press a button.

A bed sort of pops out of the wall.

- What?

- I'll show you.

It sort of goes "whoosh!" Watch out!

That's wonderful. That's amazing!

- Gee! That's American ingenuity.

- Yeah.

- It looks very comfortable.

- Yes, it is.

That's wonderful. It must work

on a spring principle, I imagine.

Yes. You press a button, it comes out,

press another button, it goes right back.

Watch out now, you don't want

to get wounded in that other hand.

You know, I can't get over that. It's...

Well, I'm afraid you'll just have to.

Are you ready for my canceled checks now?

Yes. I guess we'd better

get down to business.

I think I have most of them.

I'm afraid a few might be missing.

Missing?

I sent them to the laundry.

I had them in one of my pockets.

I picked them up in the mailbox

on the way to the studio.

Well, that was on a Tuesday.

I mean, that's the day

the laundry gets sent out.

- What?

- Well, it could happen to anyone.

Well, we won't worry about it.

We'll just do the best we can.

Now the idea is first

to separate the checks into two stacks.

- You see, deductible and non-deductible.

- I see.

Now, for instance,

who or what is Otis J. Lohman?

- Who?

- Who or what is Otis J. Lohman?

On March fourth you wrote a check

for $14.37 to one Otis J. Lohman.

Do you have any idea

what that might be for?

No.

- It's interesting, really. It's very interesting.

- What?

Well, it's wonderful, really.

I always say, you can never really

get to know a person well.

...until you've been through

her canceled checks.

You can't?

Beats psychiatry, palm reading.

...and, you know,

feeling the bumps on someone's head.

Phrenology?

Well, anyhow, I can tell everything

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