Phffft Page #3

about a person from their canceled checks.

- Can you tell about me?

- Everything.

Everything?

Everything.

Well, is it all right?

Yes. You're frivolous, romantic, generous...

...somewhat over-impulsive, you're ambitious.

You're a little scatter-brained...

...and you also have a weakness

for lacy underwear.

That's uncanny.

You're also very pretty, you're very sweet.

...and you like to be kissed.

The checks! I'm sorry.

That's all right.

You can send those to the laundry, too.

Maybe, before this goes any further,

I ought to look at your canceled checks.

You'll find I'm honest, thrifty, methodical...

...sober, upright and really kind of dull.

- I don't believe it.

- Don't say I didn't warn you.

I won't.

That ertainly was an exiting summer

for both of us.

You remember, Charlie.

It wasn't very long after I met Nina

that she got a promotion.

Her first hane to write a radio show.

And it was just about the same time.

I was in line to get

somewhat of a promotion myself.

Cynthia, I've ome bak to you.

I ouldn't stay away any longer.

- Steve.

- Life has been an empty shell.

For me too, Steve.

I, too, have been living a lie.

I realize, Cynthia,

you've a million dollars in your own right...

...that you have a Rolls-Royce,

a personal maid, a town house...

...a country house and six mink coats.

Steve.

Darling, I want to take you away

from all this.

Away from this tinsel, empty existence.

Steve.

Perhaps we'll starve,

but at least we shall be together.

We won't have to starve, Steve.

That invention of yours, I showed it to Dad...

- And he's buying it for a million dollars.

- Darling!

Darling!

Why, you must be crazy. I'll get fired.

- What happened?

- What happened?

- My discharge is coming through next week.

- Robert, that's wonderful.

Listen, you've heard of the firm.

Englebach, Hurst, McCarren and Lord,

Attorneys at Law?

- No.

- Yeah, well, as of next week...

...it's going to be

Englebach, Hurst, McCarren and Lord...

Attorneys at Law, Associate, Robert Tracey.

- Robert!

- So starting next week...

I'm going to be a starving lawyer.

- That's wonderful.

- Come on, let's eat.

- Nina?

- Yes?

- I've been thinking.

- Yeah?

About your income tax situation.

- Do we have to discuss that tonight?

- Well, now wait. Now, this is very important.

You have a basic salaried income

of $3,380 per annum. Is that correct?

That's right.

If that's what $65 a week comes to.

Yes. I don't see why we have to discuss it.

Well, I shall shortly be earning

$5,200 myself.

And to get to the point,

if we were to file a joint return...

...it would seem to me

that with the two exemptions...

...the joint return may not only be feasible,

but actually economically very sound.

Indeed, tax-wise.

All right. I didn't think you could do that,

file a joint return just like that.

I thought you had to be married

or something.

It was just like a movie, you know...

...they were married

and they lived happily ever after.

Until eight years later,

when they get a divorce.

It's the best thing

that ever happened to you.

Well, it's all over. It's all settled. Forget it.

One thing, Bobby. Just one thing.

If two people

are to live together harmoniously...

...a certain amount of intelligent planning

is necessary.

That's where Sam comes in.

- What?

- So:
I forget.

- Come on, I want you to meet Sam.

- What?

He's a very important member

of this household.

Here.

This is Sam.

When Freddie lived here,

we worked out this system.

Well, Charlie,

I don't even know what you're talking about.

Visitors, guests, callers.

Maybe even clients.

For instance, supposing some night

you're entertaining a visitor...

...or guest, or caller or maybe even a client...

...and for some reason or other it would

be inconvenient to have me interrupt...

...and you want to inform me

as discreetly as possible...

...that the apartment is occupied.

What you do is simply this.

Then later on, when the coast is clear...

Well, Charlie, I never see clients anywhere

except at the office.

Well, my boy, a situation may arise.

And if it does, remember...

So...

Flight 511 from San Franiso...

Reno and Chiago now arriving at Gate 10.

Darling, you look just marvelous.

I never felt better in my life, Mother.

Edith. You promised to call me Edith.

I feel as if a great, big weight

had been lifted off my shoulders.

Of course you do, and it has.

You didn't have to come all the way out here

to meet me.

I know, but I wanted to.

I had to cancel my 11:00 appointment

with Dr. Van Kessel, but it was worth it.

Now, Dr. Van Kessel will try to tell me

that the reason I came.

was because I really wanted

to cancel the appointment...

...and that meeting you

was just an excuse for avoiding him.

And we'll spend all of next week.

...analyzing the source

of my hostility toward him, but I don't care.

Come on now, we'll pick up your bags.

- I have to go to NBC first.

- NBC can wait.

First, I'm taking you to lunch.

We'll have thousands of martinis...

...and all the most expensive things

on the menu.

- The Barbery Room, huh?

- Of course.

- I have lunch here every day.

- I know.

So does everybody else in New York.

- I wish we were going someplace quiet.

- Don't be absurd.

You will be a darling bunny

and take care of the car, won't you?

Certainly, Mrs. Chapman.

- Mrs. Chapman, Mrs. Chapman.

- Hello, Teddy.

Say, I have your table ready for you.

- A reservation for two, was it not?

- For two, yes.

Did you really reserve a table?

Of course not.

Teddy's such a darling bunny.

You really are wonderful, Mother.

What's the matter, darling?

You look as though you've seen a...

I told you we shouldn't have come here.

- Let's get out of here.

- Now don't be absurd.

I think I'm going to be sick.

In a divorce situation, a first meeting...

...particularly an accidental one,

is bound to be mildly traumatic.

But you mustn't let it get the best of you

or you'll be lost.

Lost, lost, lost.

Look, he sees us. What do I do?

Just because he happens

to be infantile and neurotic...

...there's no reason for you to be anything

but civilized and adult.

Just smile politely and wave so.

I told you I didn't want to come here.

I knew that phony dame

was going to drag her in here for lunch.

- Let's drink these and get out.

- Come on, boy. Pull yourself together.

What are you afraid of?

You've got to be civilized about this.

Besides, we were here first.

If they don't like it, let them leave.

Look at his face. Very embarrassed.

Well, if he doesn't like it, let him leave.

Yeah, you're right, Charlie.

You're absolutely right.

Sure.

I'll have one more of the same, please.

Make mine a double.

Waiter, we'll have two

of your divine martinis.

Make mine a double.

This was bound to happen sooner or later.

- It's much better this way.

- Yeah.

- Now it's over.

- Yeah, I suppose so.

Do you suppose I should go over there

and just say hello or something?

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