Piled Higher and Deeper Page #2

five thousand janitors in this country with a Ph. D.?

So you might as well eat the free food--am I right?

Welcome to the Smith Lab.

[angelic choir music]

Uh, don't I need a labcoat?

Suit yourself.

So, do you feel more science-y now?

Yeah, I picked the only labcoat that seems clean.

Ah, that's Professor Smith's.

Won't he need it when he works at the lab, though?

[laughter]

Oh man. Let me introduce you around the group.

That's Carlos.

'Sup.

That's Deva. He already has a Ph. D. from his home country,

but the only job he could get there was as a taxi driver.

The tips are better here!

That's Sean, but everybody calls him Golden Boy.

Guys, I keep telling you--I'm not Professor Smith's favorite.

Ask him what he did last weekend.

I went hiking with Professor Smith.

What?

And that's Allison. She's #2 on the lab hierarchy.

Basically, I do all the crap around here nobody else wants to do.

The lab motto is:

"Why do something today,

when you can get Allison to do it for you tomorrow?"

So, uh, how's your research going?

Don't you know you're never supposed to ask a grad student that question?

It's just rude.

Uh, how's your thesis going?

Come on, why don't you just ask her weight and age while you're at it? Gosh!

This is the fume hood, a.k.a. the community storage closet.

That chemical will kill you instantly.

That one will kill you eventually.

That one will dissolve all the bones in your body.

And don't even look at that one if you're ever planning on having kids.

And those two--uh-oh--should not be that close together.

And this is The Machine.

[scary music]

I've always wanted to work on the cutting edge of technology.

It was cutting edge when I started.

Why waste a million dollars on a newer model

when it's cheaper to just waste a million grad student hours?

Which brings us to our business.

Professor Smith has asked me to teach you how to use it,

but I have to warn you, learning to use it

will make you more indispensable to the lab,

but it will also make everyone else come to you with their projects.

Do you accept this great responsibility?

I do.

Ok, well, here is the manual.

That's it?

Okay, you want to know the real secret to making this thing work?

It took my first decade in grad school to figure that out.

So, congratulations. Here is your immunity idol.

You can't get kicked off the island now.

Welcome to the Lab.

Hey Mike!

Do you have any more advice?

Yeah, don't go for your Ph. D.

[music]

"Hi, Cecilia!

-- Oh, hi!"

"Hey, Cecilia!

-- Hi!"

Would you like to dance?

Looks like you need some help.

Oh.

Thanks.

Actually, I don't really know how to dance this.

Ah, well, it's easy. It's the triple step.

You take three steps in syncopation.

Syncopation?

It just means quickly. So you start with your left foot forward.

"Your left?

-- Uh-huh, always the left"

Forward, back, now cha cha cha.

Forward, back, cha cha cha!

Forward, back--

"Cha cha cha!

-- There you go!"

I take it you're not a regular at the club?

No, this is the first time. Can you tell?

Well, it's just a practice session.

We're really gearing up for the big competition next term.

Wow, I didn't know it was so popular.

Actually, I read a study once that said that people who are normally

more uncomfortable in social situations really love ballroom dancing.

It's a more structured form of interaction.

There's an agreed-upon set of rules, and if you follow them,

you're pretty much guaranteed not to embarrass yourself.

And what are these rules?

First of all, if someone asks you to dance, you shouldn't say no.

Also, you can't ask the same person to dance twice in a row.

And, you have an out. When the song stops, the dance is over.

They don't play tracks continuously like they do at other clubs

Doesn't 'syncopation' mean 'out of sync'?

Uh, no. It just means 'unexpected.'

Oh, I think I have to dance with someone else now.

Oh, well, there is a loophole to the rule.

Oh there is?

If I ask you to dance, it's not the same as you asking me twice.

I'd love to.

Oh, there's the rumba. Maybe we should just watch this one.

People always talk about the tango in ballroom dance,

but I think the rumba's much more interesting.

It's about the point in the relationship when two lovers are frustrated.

They love each other, but they can't stand each other.

See how they push and pull?

There's so much longing and angst in their movement.

Besides, look at it. It's so beautiful.

The key to dancing is finding the right impedance match between two partners.

It's about not losing momentum.

It's about finding the right resonant frequencies,

close enough to each other, so that you don't lose energy.

What's your major?

Um, oh, it's hard to define. Dynamic computing stuff.

And how's that going?

Oh, you know, losing momentum.

Falling out of sync with my advisor. You?

Well, uh, I don't know. I haven't decided yet.

I'm undeclared.

You're what?

Undeclared.

You're an undergrad?

[loud gasps]

[music]

I'm telling you, it was working perfectly,

then he walked in, asked for a demo,

and "Poof!" It stopped working.

I've been there.

And of course, as soon as he walked out of the room,

it started working again.

That's the Professor Smith Negation Field.

Anything within a five foot radius of him magically stops working.

He's a walking Bermuda Triangle.

It'll get you every time.

"Hey!

-- Hey, Sean."

Is this your first group meeting?

Yeah.

I see you brought a graph--nice!

I actually just got it. It was, uh--, I pulled an all-nighter.

"Ouch.

-- Yeah."

[footsteps]

Guys! That sounds like Professor Smith's footsteps!

Afternoon, gentlemen!

"Ahem!

-- And Allison."

So, I've got some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that we've been invited to submit a paper

to a prestigious conference in Hawaii.

Yes!

The bad news is that one of you is going to have to write that paper.

And the deadline is tonight.

Also, I'll be the one going to Hawaii, not you.

So I guess the good news only applies to me.

So, I'd like to remind everyone

that the symposium we're hosting is now only a month away.

Everyone in our field will be coming to campus,

well, at least the ones I invited,

and that includes representatives from all of the agencies

that fund our work.

So, I'll expect to see all of you from now on in the lab

working nights and weekends.

In addition to days and weekdays.

What about holidays?

Holidays are only for normal people.

Anyone who considers themselves only normal,

you're welcome to find another research group.

So--

How's research?

Avoid eye contact!

You!

I don't remember your name right at the moment,

but tell me how your research is going.

Oh, I, um--, uhh, well--

Well, I've been trying to, uh, develop an analytical formulation

for-- [loud snoring] ...that thing I was working on, but--

[snoring continues] ...the problem is... that...

I'm still waiting!

Oh, well, see, I don't really know what to do about the boundary conditions, because well...

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