Piled Higher and Deeper Page #3

Oh! Before I forget,

there's a large amount of money in our discretionary budget

that we need to spend. Otherwise, we lose it.

Any suggestions?

Uh, you could give us raises?

I said spend the money, not waste it.

We could get a new lab fridge?

What's wrong with the current one?

[alarms sounding]

They're threatening to come with HazMat suits and remove it.

[sighs]

Uh, we could use it to update the machine I'm using?

Okay. Do it.

But I'll expect groundbreaking results in time for the symposium.

Yes.

Or else. I'll be coming by in a few weeks for a demonstration.

Beware the Negation Field...

[music]

[music]

[knocking] I'm looking for CS 101 office hours?

That's me!

Sweet.

I need help with the homework.

Of course. That's why I'm here.

Uh, what did you have trouble with?

All of it.

Okay, uh, let's see what you got.

I haven't actually done any of it.

Oh.

I tried Problem 1.

Okay, well what did you do in this problem?

I did Problem 1.

I know that. Uh, what's this number that you have here?

That's a seven.

I can see it's a seven. How did you compute it?

I--, I used the formula.

The formula for what?

For Problem 1.

Yes, but what does that formula compute?

Seven?

Seven what?

Seven...point zero?

I mean, what units?

Meters?

That would violate the laws of physics.

Hertz.

Okay. How did you compute seven hertz?

Well, you put the numbers into it and that's what you get.

But what does it represent?

The answer?

But why did you get that answer?

Because the problem asked for it.

Aren't you supposed to help me?

[knocking]

Um, hi. I forgot to get the lecture in handout today?

I mean, I forgot to get the handout in lecture today.

Is the answer seven?

I can't tell you that directly.

Is it true you're going to Berkeley to become a professor?

Uhh, yeah. It looks like it.

Uh, ok, ok. Is fourteen the answer times two?

How 'bout, touch your nose if the answer is seven,

and pull your ear if it's thirty-two.

"Is this gonna be on the test?

-- It might."

"Will the test be on a curve?

-- Maybe."

"Will I need to know this formula?

-- That would be advisable."

Yeah, I seriously don't understand why I even need to know this stuff.

I'm pre-med. I'm gonna be, you know, a real doctor.

The fact that real human lives are gonna depend on you one day

really scares me.

Can I...

...have...

...an extension?

[frustrated sigh]

[music]

"Aargh!

Why? Why am I doing this?"

I have a college degree. A monkey could do this!

You know, in my country, they torture people with something very similar.

Guys, guys, research is torture.

They're trying to get the truth out of you.

All of us, we were once like you,

young, ambitions, excited about changing the world with our research.

And now?

And now, the highlight of our week is drinking free beer...

while talking to the same people we've been talking to all week.

It's happy hour! [music]

Okay, let me explain the basic cliques around here.

Over there, you've got your third years.

They only care about qualifying exams.

Then you have the departmental staff.

You want to be nice to them.

Then, you got your cool grad students,

the bitter post-docs,

and then, there's Aaron.

He's not cutting his beard 'til he finishes his thesis.

My girlfriend left me.

And then there's the faculty, with the first- and second-years schmoozing up to them.

It's like high school.

Yes, but with much bigger egos.

Whoa. Is that Professor Smith's wife?

She looks so nice. Cheerful.

They say opposites attract.

Maybe she's a robot.

Guys, I heard Professor Smith used to work in the circus.

"What!?

-- It's true!"

I heard it from one of the older grad students.

And how did he know?

He heard it from one of the grad students before him?

Professor Smith:
the most unverifyably interesting man in the world!

Hey, you guys talking about Brian?

You call him by his first name?

What? That's how he signs his emails.

Doesn't he sign his first name on your emails?

Well, he's just kinda standing there, so I'm gonna go say something to him.

Schmooze away. Good luck!

Nice weather we've been having, Professor Smith, huh?

Small talk is for small minds.

How's the project I assigned you going?

Uh, slowly?

It'll be ready in time for the symposium.

Yeah, uh, of course.

You know the difference between those who succeed in academia

and those who don't?

"Uhh...

-- It's ambition."

You either have it,

or you don't.

Say, do you play squash?

"Squash?

-- I need a new partner."

"Well, I--

-- Splendid! We'll play next week."

Hopefully you can dodge a racquet better than my last partner.

Honey, I just saw the time. I think the kids are waiting for us.

Well, I think I've suffered enough happiness this hour. I'll go get the car.

I'm, uh, one of Professor Smith's grad students.

You know, Brian talks about you all the time.

He does?

Well, not really. He's very bad at names.

Don't let him fool you.

He was once a graduate student too.

She is not a robot!

[music]

You're playing squash with Professor Smith?

Man, I wish I had that kind of relationship with Professor Smith.

Brown-nosers!

Don't let these babies with daddy issues distract you

from what's really important:

"Losing.

-- What?"

Do not let Professor Smith lose.

Do not let him lose.

[toilet flushing]

Oh, hold this.

That's not yours, is it?

"Uh, no.

-- That's too bad. It's actually pretty good."

So, you ready for a little friendly, gentlemanly competition?

[boxing bell rings]

Did you know that squash was invented by monks

in the twelfth century in France?

Here, help me stretch.

They used leather gloves with webbing between the fingers

and sticks to swat the ball around.

It was further developed by prison inmates in the eighteenth century.

There's not much to do when you're surrounded by four walls with no windows.

Is that why labs are always in the basement?

So, do you want to play by British Traditional or World Squash Federation rules?

Either's fine.

Ok. Don't go easy on me now just because I'm your advisor.

But remember, if I don't win,

you're fired.

Oh, I'm just joking with you. There's no way you're gonna beat me.

I'm gonna wipe the floor with you. [door closes]

We have a lot in common with monks and prison inmates.

In research, you work mainly in isolation.

It should be the sole focus of your life.

You need to eat, sleep, breathe your research.

I'm allowed to sleep?

Only the lie-awake-in-the-middle-of-the-night kind of sleep.

I need your results on my desk by Monday.

Well, uh, actually sir, I've been having some--, some problems--

Let me give you some advice.

In academia, we never use the word 'problems.'

It's considered a sign of weakness.

Call them...'challenges'--'issues,' if you must, but never 'problems.'

I have issues.

Not my problem.

Are you using my methodology?

"Yes.

-- So are you saying my method is wrong?"

"No.

-- No it's not wrong, or no you're not saying it?"

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes