Piled Higher and Deeper Page #4

Yes?

[sighs] Maybe I was too ambitious in setting the goals for this project.

Or perhaps you just don't have what it takes

to carry out the grandeur of my vision.

Guess which one I think it is?

The fact that you can't make it work doesn't tell me it's impossible.

It only tells me it's impossible for you.

Isn't that the same?

That's impossible to say. Make it work,

or there's no place for you in my research group.

Yes.

Okay, are you ready to play?

[music]

You're gonna play squash with Prof. Smith?

Man, I wish I had that kind of relationship with Professor Smith.

Brown-nosers!

Do not -- do not -- do not let him lose.

[screams]

Professor Smith!

Are you okay?

Uh, what's my name?

Uhhh....

Never mind.

[music]

Cecilia! Please, come in.

Here are the papers for you to grade.

Don't worry. It will not be due until the seventeenth.

That's next Monday.

Really? Oh, then do it by Friday.

Today is Friday.

"Really?

-- I'll take care of it."

Thank you.

[phone rings]

Hi, Mom. Sorry, I can't talk right now.

I have to grade these papers before dance practice tonight.

Yeah, it's the last one before the competition.

No, I don't think it should take too long.

I mean, we went over this stuff, like, a million times in class, right?

They should all get a perfect score!

Wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

The problem is that to the university, we're in this weird limbo state.

Are we students? Employees? Neither?

Do I give them seven points? Seven and a half points? Seven point seven five?

Indentured servants?

I want to make sure their grade accurately reflects their progress.

Good job.

Anyways, I gotta go. Professor Rivera wants to talk about my thesis topic.

I thought you didn't have one.

That's kind of what he wants to talk about.

Good luck grading.

[sighs]

[music]

Almost....done!

[music]

[music]

"Oh!

[record scratch] I forgot!"

Can you make the grades have a Gaussian distribution

with a mean of 81.709 and standard deviation 12?

So it will be easier to assign letter grades.

Um, ok.

By the way, I talked to the Berkeley hiring committee.

You are on the top of their candidates. I put in a lot of good word for you.

Oh. Thanks.

Are you even in this class?

"It's spelled ""you're"": y- o- u- '- r- e.

Not y-o-u-r!"

Hello! Are you-- You didn't even put your name on the paper!

[phone rings]

Oh, I forgot. Some of the students turned this in late.

Could you grade them too?

Come on, can't we just bury them?

No, just your feelings.

[music]

What are you doing?

I'm stapling Taco Bell job applications to all of the papers.

If undergrads are our future, we are all doomed.

Cecilia!

Hi, it's me, Julie! Uh, we went to high school together?

"Julie?

-- How are you?"

Oh, wow. What are you--

I'm doing some consulting for the university.

How funny that I should meet you here!

Yeah, uh, I'm-- [phone rings]

Oh, I'm sorry, just a second.

Hi honey! Yes, I'm taking the early flight back in the morning.

Ooh, seared salmon with lemon reduction--that sounds amazing!

Say hi to the kids for me! Bye.

Jon's a bit of a chef. Do you have any kids?

Uh, no?

Married?

"No.

-- Seeing anyone?"

No.

Oh. Well.

You were the smartest person in our class.

I bet you're off doing something amazing.

Actually, I'm still in school.

Oh. Um.

"[phone rings]

-- Uh, I'm sorry, just a second."

It's our real estate agent. We're buying a second house!

You can buy houses?

Oh, wait! Our reunion's coming up and I'm on the social committee.

Are you on Facebook?

[phone rings]

Oh, hello?

[music]

[music]

Working hard, or hardly working?

Both.

I'm working hard, but this is hardly working.

It's the new machine. Costs more than all of my student loans combined

and I'm not getting the right results.

This is for the symposium tomorrow?

I mean, later today?

I haven't slept in days.

I've eaten nothing but ramen and caffeine.

Ever heard of a balanced diet?

Yes. Half of those are beef, and the others are shrimp.

And my favorite flavor: MSG.

[laughs]

I have to finish this.

Professor Smith says it's "trivial" but I'm starting to think it's impossible.

It's like trying to prove a negative.

You can't show him that it's impossible unless you spend

an infinite amount of time trying to do it.

There is no limit to how long you can spend in grad school.

How has nobody else ever done this before?

I mean I can think of three possibilities.

A:
It's impossible.

B:
Nobody's bothered to do it because it's useless.

C:
Somebody has tried it before--I just don't know about it.

I don't even know which one's the worst.

Or D:
Maybe you're smarter than all the rest.

You're the One, Neo.

Allison, do you ever feel like you're just an imposter?

Like everyone just hasn't noticed that you're not as good as they think you are?

I'll let you in on a little secret.

Around here, everyone is an imposter.

[microwave beeps]

[alarms ring]

[baby cries]

One of three students to be named U.S. Presidential Scholars.

He turned out a perfect ACT score, and he's at the top of his class academically.

And he's headed to Pasadena in the fall.

Okay, now it's impossible.

I'm free. I'm free! [laughs]

I'm FREE!

[music]

"David.

-- Hi, Cecilia."

I hope it's ok that I've come to your recitation session.

What recitation? Only two people showed up.

I'm not even sure if he's alive.

I had a whole lecture prepared. I brought special notes,

and practice problems--I even made cupcakes.

The "P" ones are lactose free. The "NP" ones are lactose and gluten free

in case of allergies. I was up last night making a dance routine for hash tables.

I was up all night rehearsing it.

Hash tables are data structures with keys and buckets.

You can search associative arrays like a super-fast rocket!

Is this a bad time for the session? Is the room hard to find?

Or am I just a bad TA?

Well, it's not you. It's them?

Like I haven't heard that before.

I don't even know why I try anymore.

Hey listen, the dance competition.

Is that something that you'd like to bring a date to?

Because I was thinking--

Uh, listen, David. You're a nice guy,

even for an undergrad,

but I don't have time to be in a relationship.

And I dropped out of the dance competition.

Oh, you did?

I need to be graduating. I need to get out of here.

I can't be a grad student forever.

I need to focus on my thesis and stop wasting my time

with dancing, and teaching, and...

That's not what I meant.

I mean, what happens when I graduate? I can't get a professor job anywhere.

These jobs only open up when someone dies.

Let's not get too creative here.

I can't go into industry. What have I been working all this time for?

I'd be selling out, like... like--

Like a regular person?

Listen, I'm not asking you to marry me.

Look, I'm sorry.

Okay, it's fine. I get it.

You don't get credit for having a life.

Is this gonna be on the test?

[music]

There's a lab up here that simulates the surface of Mars.

I keep a case of beer hidden behind one of the rocks.

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