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- When did it start?

- At 0500. We're seven minutes in.

Private Miller...

...you've been smoking ltem 9

for seven minutes and 1 3 seconds.

We're going to ask you

several questions.

How do you feel?

Well, sir...

...I feel like a...

Like a slice of butter...

...melting on top

of a big old pile of flapjacks.

Yeah.

Okay, Private Miller,

when you think of your superiors...

...what emotions do you feel?

Okay, Private Miller?

Is this normal?

Okay, Private...

Okay, Private Miller?

Private Miller.

Answer the question.

This went out, sir.

Can you torch me?

We'll send someone in.

Holy bejesus!

Private Miller, answer the question.

What was the question again, sir?

When you think of your superiors,

what emotions do you feel?

You know what problem I have...

...with your f***ing little

dog-and-pony act you call the military?

Here it is. One:
lots of dudes.

Where are the boobies?

Two:
Why are we

underground right now, sir?

Why can't we be out in the open?

Why aren't we in a square right now?

Why aren't we talking to people,

letting them know ltem 9 exists?

Get it out. Shout off the rooftops:

"This is great!

This is the bee's knees, ltem 9!"

Private, we need you to be serious.

I'm serious. Your dick, my mouth.

That's inappropriate.

F*** you!

I've seen enough. Shut it down.

Bury the hatch. Sell the land.

And dispose of him.

This never happened.

Dude, what happened to your eye?

Hello.

Can you guys understand me?

- Hey. Hey, where we going?

- This is General Brat.

We've reached

a final conclusion on ltem 9.

Illegal!

Hey, this is Sam. Good morning.

Welcome to KRAD.

You know, I think that last caller

had some undeniable points.

Right now, we're gonna get

to the next caller, Dale Denton.

Hey, Sam. Big huge fan.

First-time caller.

- Here's my piece.

- All right.

If marijuana is not legal

within the next five years...

...I have no faith

left in humanity, period.

Everyone likes smoking weed.

They have for thousands of years.

They're not gonna stop anytime soon.

It makes everything better. Makes

food better. Makes music better.

It makes sex feel better,

for God's sakes.

It makes shitty movies better,

you know?

Hi, there. Are you Sandra Danby?

Yeah.

Well, I'm Garth

from Global Saviors, and...

- What is this?

- I'm joking.

You failed to show up

for divorce proceedings...

...four times under court order,

and you've been served.

- Oh, great. Thanks a lot, a**hole.

- Sorry.

I'm just saying love has no age.

You can't instantly tell me that a man,

because he's a certain age...

...can't marry a woman

or love a woman.

I'm dating a high-school girl.

You're not maximizing your potential.

Think this girl takes you seriously?

No, but if I'm 25

and the girl is 1 8 years old...

...you know, in society,

that might look bad.

- Hey, as long as it's consensual.

- I think it's consensual.

Yo, you been served.

You've been served.

You've been served.

You've been served.

Walter Wadska the third.

You here to fix the fax machine?

No, I'm here to tell you

you owe MasterCard 4068 bucks.

You've been served by the best.

Keep it real.

Why don't you get a real job,

you f***ing cocksucker?

- Hey, "Electric Avenue."

- I know, right?

- Take that sh*t to the next level, eh?

- Okay, I will.

- Dr. Edgar Terrence?

- Yes.

You have repeatedly refused

to trim the monkey tree...

...that spills

onto your neighbor's property.

And now because of that,

you've been served.

You're a jerk.

All this current system is doing...

...is putting money

in the hands of criminals...

...and it's making ordinary people like

you and me deal with those criminals.

You ever dealt with a drug dealer?

It's terrible, it's weird, it's awkward.

They think they're your friend,

but they're not.

Dale, I get your point. Thanks

for your input. Next caller, please.

I can't come.

What?

Why the f*** not, Dale?

I just... Look, I can't come.

I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.

It's a bad day for me.

Jesus Christ, Dale.

When were you gonna tell me?

My mom has been shopping all day.

- Why?

- She's already planning on couscous.

I said I might be able to go,

so why is she doing that already?

- Now I look like an a**hole.

- You are one.

Come on, don't say that.

I just can't go. I have a job.

- Fine.

- "Fine"?

Don't come. I don't care.

Then why have you been inviting me?

I thought you wanted me to go.

If you don't wanna meet them,

I don't want you to.

I want to. I can't. I have a job.

I'm sorry. What do you want from me?

I just know they'll like you, that's all.

You're great, and you're funny...

...and you're sexy.

I just want them to see that.

- You want them to see that I'm sexy?

- Hey, people?

- Hi, Mr. Edwards.

- Can I help you?

No, I'm good. Thank you, though.

Yeah? I see you don't have

a visitor's badge. That's why I ask.

- I'm with her, actually.

- Actually, this is my boyfriend.

I heard that. I wish I didn't hear that,

but I just heard that.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm just wondering why you don't

date a nice guy your own age.

- She's very mature for her age.

- Yeah.

- Angie, hey. How's it going?

- Hey.

Hey, Clark, how you doing, man?

What's up?

I'm good, bro. I'm good.

Dude, I wanted to tell you.

You were hilarious today

in drama class.

Your Jeff Goldblum impression

made me pee my pants.

I wish.

Oh, hey, I almost forgot.

Last week when we worked out,

you forgot your shorts in my car.

Oh, yeah.

- Here you go.

- Thanks.

Yeah, no problem, no problem.

- Can you hold those?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- How's it going, Sporty Spice?

This is my boyfriend, Dale.

- Hey, nice to meet you.

- You too.

I've heard so much about you.

You're real cool.

- I mean, you're great. Yeah.

- Yeah, awesome.

Anyways, yeah, dude, next year.

Next year college, man. College.

Gonna be kick-ass.

I will watch her back for you.

I know there's tons of guys that are

gonna be trying to get on that sh*t.

- Oh, good.

- Because I got that... Yeah.

You got her ass? Perfect.

- I'll watch her ass for...

- He's trying to be nice.

- I'll catch you at Home Ec.

- Okay.

You guys got Home Ec

together too. That's cool.

- We got a few classes together.

- Nice to meet you.

Time to suck today's dick. That's what

I'm talking about. See you guys later.

- All right, Clark.

- Clark's a great guy.

He's totally gonna take care

of Angela, man.

He's great. He's a wonderful

lab partner. He'll keep an eye on her.

Why don't you go f*** yourself,

you weird prick?

I'm a teacher.

You can't talk to me like that.

I'm not a student,

so I can say whatever I want...

...you chimp-f***ing little bastard.

- Actually...

You've got T-minus 30 seconds

to get off school property...

...or I call the liaison officer.

- We're leaving. I'm sorry.

- Middle finger won't stop the clock.

What a jerk.

What's that guy's problem? Jesus.

I don't... Normally he's...

That's really weird.

I'd love to have dinner with you

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