Pineapple Express Page #2

and your parents tomorrow night.

I'm gonna go. I'll definitely go.

I'll shuffle things around...

- Really?

- Yeah, I'll be there for sure.

Yeah, I wanna show them

you're in good hands. Yeah.

I got nothing

to be embarrassed about.

That means so much to me

and my parents.

No problem.

It's gonna be awesome.

- Hello?

- Hey, Saul. Mind if I come by?

- Come on down.

- Sweet. Be there.

- Hi, Mary.

- Hi.

I thought the hurricane season

was over.

I thought hurricane season

was over.

I'm sorry.

Things just got out of hand.

Yeah, that's the way it was

with my first husband.

Hello? Hey, man.

What the f***, man?

I didn't buzz you in.

How the monkey did you get in here?

Some guy with a fauxhawk let me in.

He was leaving when l...

- F***ing Kyle.

- It might have been Kyle.

- A**hole.

- I'm sorry, man.

What the f***'s

the buzzer for anyway?

I don't know. I'm sorry about that.

I don't know your protocol yet.

Stuff your sorries in a sack.

It's not your fault.

- Okay.

- It's these jerk-offs. Have a seat.

Okay, cool.

Thanks, man. Awesome.

Yo, check this out.

Satellite radio.

Got two TVs and radio.

That's pretty rad.

That's home entertainment.

You're very entertained.

Oh, wow. You got a cute picture too.

Oh, yeah. Me and my bubbe.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Yeah?

Do you think you could pull the plug

on someone if you needed to?

Like, euthanasia?

Like, on her?

If I needed to.

I'm kind of in a hurry, man.

I don't know if we should

start going down that road.

I could talk all day about euthanasia.

Don't get me started.

- Maybe we should...

- We'll save it.

- Save it for next time.

- I'll take that rain check.

Business for the businessman.

- Yeah, you got my number.

- Okay.

- Brass tacks.

- Yes.

Just got a shipment

of the dopest dope I've ever smoked.

Hands down,

dopest dope I've ever smoked.

Not better than the Blue Oyster.

It can't be. I can't handle that.

This is like if that Blue Oyster sh*t

met that Afghan Kush I had...

...and they had a baby.

And meanwhile, that crazy

Northern Lights stuff I had...

...and the Super Red Especial

Snowflake met and had a baby.

And by some miracle,

those two babies met and f***ed...

...this would be the sh*t

that they birthed.

- Yes.

- This is the product of baby f***ing.

- Smell it.

- Okay.

Smell it. Enjoy.

It's like God's vagina.

What, you wanna bathe in it?

- I wanna live in here.

- You wanna be it?

My God, I just wanna shove it

up my nose, have that smell all day.

- That's amazing.

- Shove it anywhere you like.

Beautiful. What's it called?

- Pineapple Express.

- Pineapple Express.

It's this thing, like, El Nio.

This airflow that comes

from Hawaii and Canada.

It gets the dirt, mixes it in

with the weed in a special way.

It's very scientific.

I won't go into it right now.

But I am the only guy

in the whole city that has it.

Only 1 0 bones more for a quarter.

Okay, I'll take a quarter.

- All right, you're on.

- Thank you very much.

Let me get my scale.

Get it going. Grab the scale.

Let's get me out of here.

I thought hurricane season

was over.

Oh, crow.

Where are you, you little f***er?

What the f*** is this thing?

- Cross joint.

- Yeah.

- You ever smoke one of those?

- You can smoke this?

- Yeah, man.

- No.

This is the future.

This is, like, the apex

of the vortex of joint engineering.

It's rumored that M. M. O'Shaughnessy

designed the first one.

The guy who designed

the Golden Gate Bridge.

My second favorite civil engineer...

...behind Hannskarl Bandel,

Madison Square Garden.

What you do is you light all three ends

at the same time.

- Really?

- And then the smoke converges...

...creating a trifecta

of joint-smoking power.

This is it, man. This is what your

grandchildren are gonna be smoking.

Future. The future.

That's amazing.

Well, got the weed?

- Yeah.

- In the bag. Beautiful. Okay.

Be careful with that thing, man.

Here's the cash, grab the stash.

Alrighty, man, thanks.

Have a good one.

Don't hurt yourself. Adios.

Well, hey, wait a minute, man.

Let's smoke this f***ing thing.

I really... I can't, man. I gotta...

I can't even light this thing

on my own.

I need your help, man.

- I'm in.

- Come on!

- Why not? Let's do it.

- Come on down!

Why not? What do I do?

Okay, here's what you do.

- You equip yourself.

- I'm equipping.

- Equip me, sir.

- Okay.

You are going to light these two ends

while I light this end.

- Okay.

- Are you ready?

- Ready.

- Blast off.

- I'm gonna do it.

- Good. Go for it.

It's better to cough.

It's like...

Makes you 1 0 times more higher...

...than the cross weed

and the Pineapple Express.

You're like,

totally f***ing Gong Show'ed, man.

Oh, f***.

Hang on one second, man.

Oh, you f***er.

Who is it?

It's Chris Gebert, man. Let me up.

Sh*t.

What's a Gebert?

Come on up.

He ain't getting any

of that Pineapple Express.

Chris is getting Snicklefritz.

Hey.

So listen, man.

I gotta ask you. So...

Listen, man. You've been buying

from me for, like, two months, right?

- Two months.

- I gotta ask, man.

What's up with the suit?

I'm a process server.

So I have to wear a suit.

Wow, you're a servant?

Like a butler?

- A chauffeur?

- No. No. What? No, I'm not...

- Shine shoes?

- I'm a process server.

- I like...

- In process.

I work for a company

that's, like, hired...

...by lawyers to hand out

legal documents.

Like subpoenas to people

who don't want them.

I gotta wear disguises sometimes just to

make them admit they're themselves...

...so I can serve them the papers.

Disguise.

Kind of, I guess.

- It's a hell of a job.

- That's cool, man.

Like a day-to-day basis, it's fine.

Like today, I, like, sat in my car...

...I smoked, like, 1 0 doobies...

...and then I went to go visit

my girlfriend at lunch.

Nice.

What? You sucked on her titties?

No, I just kissed her.

I just did that to make it seem cool.

That's cool.

Does she like to smoke weed?

A little sometimes.

She has a couple...

She's in high school,

so as much as any high-school kid.

She's cool as hell, actually.

- You'd get along with her.

- Really?

Yeah, you know, it only sucks...

...when I go visit her in high school

and the guys she goes to school with...

...are strong and handsome

and really funny.

Like, do good impressions

of Jeff Goldblum and sh*t like that.

And, like, I just feel like a fat, dumb,

f***ing stinky ass-turd when I'm there.

- What?

- It really... It sucks for my ego.

- F*** Jeff Goldblum, man.

- That's what I say.

You know, don't get down on yourself.

You got a great girl.

You got a great job

where you don't do anything.

You get to smoke weed all day.

I wish I had that.

Are you kidd..? You do.

You have the easiest job on Earth.

- You do smoke weed all day.

- That's true.

You didn't think of that.

- I do have a good job.

- Yeah, you do nothing.

- Thanks, man.

- No prob.

Thank you.

Oh, sh*t. All right. Business.

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