Ping Pong Playa
Welcome back to
Eye on East Hills
with Jon Howard.
Look, people think
that sports is fair,
you know,
just 'cause it got rules
and stuff.
You know,
but is it fair that,
you know,
Chinese people are short
or, you know, we have fewer
fast-twitch muscles in our legs?
How do you explain
Yao Ming then?
Yao Ming is a statistical
anomaly, all right?
You take a country
of 1.4 billion people,
you're sure to have a few
hundred tall, right?
And out of that few hundred,
you know,
you're bound to have at least
one or two that can play ball.
Statistical anomaly.
Never seen Charlie Chan.
I'm 'bout to drop
some knowledge on you.
Let the lesson begin.
Now, I'ma teach
this assignment in slang,
brother, change
like The Eye
by the Pang brothers.
Asian American
who ain't afraid to say
comparing me
to David Carradine
will get you set ablaze
with kerosene.
I don't call
television racist,
but I do watch The Simpsons
and SpongeBob
just to see
some yellow faces.
I take the yellow haters
down like elevators.
Left hand on your girl.
Right foot
on the accelerator.
You ain't laughing at that.
I'm that new type of Asian.
I'll let you
do the math on that one.
I'ma teach you who's me
'cause I'm the Bruce Lee
of loose-leaf,
the Donnie N. Of rhyming,
and the Jackie Chan
of rapping, man.
Orient Express coming through!
Forget what
you think you know.
I'll teach
your ashes a lesson.
Listen and learn
and don't ask me no questions.
Wake up, kids, and keep
your eyes in my direction.
Welcome
to my Chinese school.
Class is in session.
You're awesome.
You should be in the NBA.
My name's Felix.
Good for you.
Hey, hook me up
with some of that, man.
Shot was off.
The big guy made a bunch
W- w-wait, hold up, dog.
Hey, you want
to run that back?
Ball.
What you gonna do?
What you gonna do?
Come on,
what you gonna do?
Come on.
Come on.
You ain't got it.
You ain't got nothing.
Ah, get some!
Ah, stuffed like a turkey!
Booyah!
I don't think so.
Go play piano!
Access denied!
Ah, access denied!
Come on,
you want some of this?
Yeah, get him!
Where you going?
Where you going?
Where you going?
That's where you're going.
Who's lucky now, huh?
What you looking at?
Aw, yeah.
Yeah, you better step off.
Hey, this is my neighborhood.
Who's the master?
You are.
And what's my name?
Chris?
Call me C-Dub.
And what time is it?
3:
35.Dog, dog, when I ask you
what time it is,
you're supposed to say
"game time," all right?
Wait, wait,
what time is it?
Game time.
No, no, no, on the reals, man.
What time is it?
3:
35.Mother...
All right, man,
I'm sorry I'm late, man.
There was this big-ass accident
on the 405, man.
This mofo was speeding,
picking his nose, man.
His ass ran, pow, right into
the back of a chicken truck.
Man, I saw blood.
There was glass, blood,
feathers, everywhere, man.
I'm telling you, J.P.,
you should've seen
this wang ba dan, man.
He might as well have been down
on his hands and knees.
He was begging me to stay.
I swear on the grace
of 18 generations
of my ancestors, man.
I ain't gonna be
late again.
All right, you can't get
from a Chinese brother.
You know what
you had to do, right?
Don't playa-hate.
Negotiate.
For sure, so check it.
about bonuses, vacation days.
Man, he tried
to straight-up bribe me.
I'll give you my autographed
Michael Jordan jersey, man.
You know how much
that's worth?
Really?
All right, maybe I ain't
going to give you that,
but, hey, I'll give you
Who?
You know, UNLV, Charlotte
Hornets, Grandma-ma.
Come on, man.
I'll wash your car, man.
Right, r-r-r-right.
So you had to show him
who was the real
lao fan, huh?
Oh, man, you know it, baby.
Set the record straight.
We ain't building railroads
for free no more, you hear?
Hey, man, how you
going to reach out
to your Asian customers, man?
Hey, they feel me,
feel me, man?
There's like 2 million of us
in L.A., man.
How you going
to communicate with them?
Wilson?
I was thinking, man.
Can't be wasting all my time
working for the man.
Right.
You know that comic book
I was working on,
the one with the gun-toting,
crime-fighting pandas?
That's where I need
to devote more of my time.
Yeah, and don't forget
about our T-shirt company.
That's what I'm saying, man.
And then
there's the casino.
Aw, can't forget
the crown jewel.
Cha-Ching Dynasty.
Booyah.
Hey.
Make money, money,
make money, money, make.
You know what
the Donald says?
Ah, wait,
you can't fire me, dog.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, 'cause I quit.
Hm.
Oh, you're too polite.
I'm just a lousy player.
Not everybody can play
like that guy.
Hey, Pa, I fixed your modem.
about going wireless, though.
It's a lot faster.
Hey, Michael,
you remember Mr. Lin?
Oh, of course.
Tournament's coming up.
You training hard?
Not that you need to.
blindfolded.
I'm just very lucky.
I definitely
should practice more.
Oh, I don't see how
you could find the time.
I got a nephew
in residency at General.
They're killing him
over there.
Well, my hospital's
definitely going to kill me
if I don't get back
right now,
so... good to see you.
- See you later.
- Pa.
Bye.
William?
He's too lazy...
and fat.
Ah, tell Mike, man.
He ain't doing nothing.
Doing nothing?
Yeah, but he don't have to work
on Saturday morning.
All right, all right,
all right!
Ow.
What up, playa?
Oh, man,
what time is it?
Time for you
to get your ass up, homey.
Man, aren't you supposed
to be in school?
Yeah, it's recess.
Hey, you need
to get down here.
No can, man, I told the dads
I was going to work.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
I'll tell him later, man.
No biggie.
All right,
but don't complain
they seen the new ride.
Hold up.
You got a new ride?
I'll see you in a minute.
Sweet.
Thud!
Ow.
Oh,.
Man, I was going
to tell you later, man.
I mean, you and Mom
have been bugging me
to lose that lame-ass job
anyway, right?
Hey, so check it out, man.
I got an email
from my friend Ian
about how his friend opened up
an online clothing store, man.
He works from home, man.
He makes like a few thousand
dollars, man, every month, man.
I said, "Hey, let me key in
on some of that. "
And then,
you know Henry, right?
Hey, he self-published
this comic book last month.
I'm going to talk to him
about that too.
I mean, he got, like, his own
website and everything, man.
Yo, you feeling me
on this?
Mr. Waaang?
It's Wang, dog.
I'm sorry, "Wong. "
Wang, not Wong.
Wang.
- "Wong. "
- Wang.
- "Wong. "
- Wang.
- "Wong. "
- Is she all right?
Good news.
Yourwrists
are just sprained.
You'll need
to take it easy for a while.
You can start physical therapy
in a couple weeks.
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"Ping Pong Playa" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 12 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/ping_pong_playa_15899>.
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