Pirates of Tortuga Page #2

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cannon and all the powder she can hold.

Well, it's impossible,

of course, for anybody but us.

What happens

if we get caught?

If we got caught,

the Admiralty won't be able...

to pull our chestnuts

out of the fire this time.

And if we succeed?

There will be

no reward too great.

I have that on the word

of Sir Francis Crawford himself.

Any more questions?

When do we

up anchor, Captain?

We sail with the tide.

[Door Opens]

Oh, Captain.

You startled me.

But... However...

Get out of my bed.

- On your feet and fast!

- Don't you talk to me like that!

That ain't the way

to get on my good side.

Who invited you

into my cabin?

I invited myself.

That butcher

was waiting at the dock.

You wouldn't want me

chopped into a sausage, would you?

[Laughing]

- It might be an improvement.

- What's the matter with you?

Ain't I swell enough for you now

that you've got a good look?

I am what I am

and I'm proud of it!

There's duchesses

that's got no more than me.

Some I've seen had less.

Put me in silk.

Give me a little jewelry.

You couldn't tell me

from a fine lady.

Well?

Cat got your tongue?

Could you tell me

from a lady?

It, uh, takes more than

silks to make a lady.

What's a lady got

I ain't got?

Something... Something in her manner

that makes a man take off his hat.

All the silks of Cathay

on you...

and you'd still

be what you are.

Common?

Let's say... untaught.

Listen, you blowfish. I'll see the day

you doff your hat to me! That's what!

Anything is possible.

In the meantime, here's half-a-crown.

Take it and...

You grubby smelt!

You fancy barnacle!

Bilge rat!

You have a pretty salty vocabulary

for a street duchess.

I rather like you

in a rage.

Oh, yes?

Then you're going

to fall in love with me!

[Laughing]

- If she doesn't leave soon,

drop her over the side.

- Aye, aye, sir.

- But, uh, take care. The lady has claws.

- Aye, aye, sir.

Brushin' me off

with a half-a-crown.

Half-a-crown?

Common, says he.

Oh, Meg!

The sight of you

would melt an earl!

Or maybe a king.

[Man]

Let go top gallants.!

Make fast forwardjib.

[Man #2]

Delay main brace.

Port gunman at the ready.!

Port batteries loaded

and ready, Lieutenant.

- We'll dispense with naval rank

this cruise, Bonnet.

- Aye, aye, sir.

Chain bolts on number three.

They're too loose.

Gunner, your slow match is too short.

Could blow your head off.

Percy...

you look a sight more seaworthy than

the London dancing master who signed on.

A whiff of salt

and I grew back my fins, Bart.

Can you lend me

another powder monkey?

- Kipper!

- Aye, aye, sir.

- Lend a hand.

- Aye, aye, sir.

I say! Is somebody

boarding the ship?

Pee Wee giving some

pointers to the crew.

[Grunting]

Very good.

All right now, gentlemen.

Enough of the finesse. I can't tell you

how to use one of these things.

You all know that.

Otherwise you wouldn't be on this ship.

But I can tell you the gentlemen

we are going to meet...

within the course

of the next few days...

have no set of rules

when it comes to deck-fighting.

So when there are no rules,

you make up your own.

And here are one or two

that may be useful to you.

We'll try you.

Now, wait. Wait. Whoa, whoa. Now,

now just relax and take it easy. Huh?

Now hold that.

Now that...

is lesson number one...

never trust anybody.

Now gimme the pigsticker.

And that is

lesson number two.

Never turn your back

on anybody.

Remember, men, the next time

won't be practice.

So lively does it!

Range 200,

on the up wave...

fire!

[Cheering]

Not bad for a beginning.

Now, for the starboard guns!

[Meg]

Let me out.! Let me out ofhere.!

Let me out, you bilge rats.!

Open it up.! Let me out.!

Let me out.! Let me out.

Let me out.!

Open it.! Let me out.!

Let me out! Let me out

of here! Let me out...

I thought there was a battle.

[Bart]

All right. Topside, you.

I told you to

drop her off at the dock.

There was no sign of the lass

in your cabin afore we shoved off.

I had no wish to sail

on your rotten boat.

But that butcher was waiting

on the dock to slice my gizzard.

- What are you doing in that dress?

- I didn't steal it.

Just wanted you to see

I could look like a lady.

Well! Personal cargo, Bart?

Stowaway!

Of course, you could, uh,

put her over the side in a longboat.

She might drown!

Or worse, she might not.

I'd drop you over the side

but you'd only poison the fish.

- I don't mind a short sea voyage.

- You've got one!

Three months.

Three months! Just where do you

filthy swabs think you're taking me?

You're on your way

to the colonies, my girl.

The colonies!

You'll take your meals with us.

You'll sleep...

There's a sail locker

under the wheel deck.

It's yours till we

put you ashore in Jamaica.

What do you expect me

to do in Jamaica?

Use those brains

you're so proud of...

and you'll stand a better chance

of avoiding the hangman's rope...

- if you'll stop trying

to look like a lady.

- Why, you dirty kidnapper!

Your quarters!

Stay in 'em!

With pleasure. And just see that you

and your other bilge rats stay out!

One other thing...

Wash your face, lady.

- [Grunts]

- [Laughing]

Go ahead and laugh,

you grinning hyenas.

A trim looking

bit of goods.

Yes, and the longer we're at sea, the

trimmer she's going to look... to me.

The man that opens that door

gets himself a keg of trouble.

But you must admit, Bart...

that little trouble

has a well-turned ankle.

The starboard cannon have a well-turned

barrel, Gunnery Officer Percy.

I wonder if she'd like

to learn the minuet.

[Chuckling]

[Sobbing]

What did I do now?

Why, you didn't do anything.

You just entered the room.

- Oh.

- You sit there.

Are you swabs going to do that

every time I get up?

- It's customary.

- When a lady rises. Sit down, gentlemen.

A bit of, uh, chicken,

my little dove?

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

Sweet child...

a lady, when she drinks,

holds her glass so.

With the little pinkie

raised so.

You're wasting your time,

Mr. Gunnery Officer.

I think she's

doing rather well.

Him? He wouldn't know a lady

if she up and bit him.

Ladies don't bite.

This one does. And you've

got the marks to prove it.

[Meg Laughing]

[Bonnet]

Three passes in a row the lassie's made.

One more, and I'll

have your pantaloons!

Come on. Get your

coppers down, mates.

- Here's 10!

- Here's five shillings.

You cannot beat that, lass!

- [Laughing]

- I never seen such luck.

A run of fantastic luck

for a ruddy fact.

Which I'll put an end to.

Back to

your quarters, men.

A lady doesn't crawl around

on the decks dicing with the crew.

Why, you blabbermouthed slob!

I won honest. Really I did!

Neither does a lady go around calling

people "blabbermouthed slobs,"

"stinking squids"

or "blasted swabs!"

One of the crew said

you was a king. Are you?

In my land, I was a king with

20,000 warriors at my command.

Then, tell me, what

makes a girl a lady?

You know, what they

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