Plastic

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1

How it started shouldn't matter.

How things end,

that's what's important.

Well, that's the theory.

Sorry to keep you,

Mr Barker.

That's not a problem.

I just need to run you through

a quick security check.

Could you please tell

me your mother's maiden name.

- Tilly.

- And your date of birth.

Sixth of July, 1962.

Excellent, Mr Barker.

You've passed the security test.

If I could just confirm your order with you

before I put it through the system.

The number.

So, you've placed an order for six

limited edition 18-karat gold rings

and four pendant

white gold necklaces.

Delivery will have to be made

to the address that

the card is registered to,

so you'll have to be

home to sign for the items.

Of course. If you could deliver at

8:
00 a.m. tomorrow that would be great.

If you could actually grow stubble,

you wouldn't have to wear that thing?

You think that pubestache you grew

for Movember counts as facial hair?

Don't make me laugh.

Right, do I have to tell you

to drive carefully?

Only if you value your paintwork.

Go learn something.

Go make some money.

65 million years ago,

a comet hit this planet

with the power of a

million Hiroshima bombs.

It wiped out the dinosaurs,

and from the ashes rose

a whole new world order.

A fitting metaphor

for the global recession

we still find ourselves in.

When demand is so low

for a prolonged period,

a whole generation of

educated and trained suppliers,

that's you guys by the way,

may never work.

Many of you will achieve good degrees but

never actually get the careers you want.

Can I try these on?

No.

Well, how am I supposed to know

if they're going to fit?

You can look at the label or buy 'em.

I'm not bothered.

How much for the iPod dock?

They're 100.

Wait one second, Daniel,

you're third year business studies.

So what?

So f***ing haggle, brother, that's what.

Yeah, yeah.

So, what do I get for 60?

Not one of those.

Come on, that's a good offer.

So was 100 before he stepped in.

70 and I'll take the jeans as well.

80, you buy the dock

and he buys the jeans.

Can I try them on first?

Well, mate, yeah, if you must.

Jesus Christ, has your mate got

an aversion to underwear?

All dirty, I'm afraid.

Mum's not down till the weekend

and I'll be f***ed if I'm doing

my own laundry.

How goes it, Mr Yates?

Good thanks, Dion. How about you?

Busy. Always busy.

What d'you need?

I'll go for three.

Listen, you know I spoke to my boss.

Told him I got much respect for you.

Man reckons he might be able

to put you to work.

Always looking for people

to open up new markets.

The guy two rungs above me

is pulling in like half a million a week.

Cash. In hand.

Your boss...

Tell him I'll think about it.

Thank you.

Rafa, Rafa, quickly!

The toilet's overflowing again.

Get a mop and a plastic bag.

It's like Baghdad in there.

We got a customer.

So?

So you don't know how to use

the new till system yet, do you?

I keep saying it.

Until you can be bothered

to learn this stuff,

I serve the customers and

you clean up what they leave behind.

All right. Good.

That'll be 65 exactly, boss.

Anything else?

Condoms.

Ribbed.

Lucky girl.

I see you like Ferraris.

Take another look.

This is as close as

you're ever gonna get to one.

See that girl out there

that you're gonna be using these on?

She like personality and looks,

or just money?

What do you think?

She's all about the money, d*ckhead.

Then why is it she's chatting up

the guy without the Ferrari?

You showed him, eh, boss?

D'you want me to come back round there

and f*** your face?

Swipe the card.

You gotta, actually.

Chip and pin now.

And that's you done, then.

Thank you so much.

Good shift?

Usual. Sh*t. While you guys are out

having fun I smell petrol fumes

and deal with f***ing wankers.

Feel like taking it out

on someone else?

What the... Christ!

Evening chief.

Good performance for a guy your age.

Budget not stretch

to a hotel room?

Off you get, love.

Can I leave now?

Don't wanna finish up here?

- You've seen the state of him.

- Yeah, I have.

Now give me your wallet.

F*** you.

You getting all this?

In high definition, mate.

Now, here's what you do.

Write down your mother's maiden name,

pin number and date of birth.

Go f*** yourself.

This is 4G enabled, mate.

I can have this on the

internet in 30 seconds

and send it to your wife,

see what she's got to say about it.

"Go f*** yourself", sounds about right.

Probably followed by,

"I want a divorce," and

"You've never made me come."

Well done.

Now, all we ask is that you don't report

the cards stolen for 24 hours

whilst we do a spot of shopping.

Just relax and let

the insurance foot the bill.

And we'll take that briefcase

if it's all the same with you.

You can take the wallet,

you can take the cards.

But I can't give you the case.

Don't act like I'm giving you a choice.

Grab it.

- No!

- Yatesey, f***!

Sh*t. Is he f***ing dead?

He'll live. Come on.

Holy sh*t. Look at this!

Nice.

What's this?

Always wanted one of those.

That's mine, that is.

All right.

There's like f***ing five grand in here.

What's that, 1,250 each?

Only if we split it four ways.

Cards go into the pot, that's standard,

but the money's ours.

I don't know, mate.

We're supposed to split everything.

You think they'd do the same for us?

They got you stuck in a petrol

garage five nights a week.

You need to start looking out

for yourself, mate.

Stop letting people take

the piss out of you.

Yeah.

Marcel, it's Harry.

We've got a serious problem.

All right, lads?

Five cards cloned from the garage.

And we rolled a mark.

Picked up another two cards

with pin numbers for both.

You should watch the video, mate.

It's f***ing hilarious...

- Sh*t!

- What?

I lost a life. Game over.

Gents.

Someone please tell me

why's he wearing that.

It's fancy dress tonight.

Wait, don't tell me you lot forgot.

We're still going to that?

Surprisingly epic.

I'm going to the bar.

She the one in your class, isn't she?

Yeah.

The one you said's been checking

you out, which I don't believe.

Yeah.

Then what you doing here?

Stop staring at her like a serial killer

and talk to her.

I'm working up to it.

She's nice, mate.

Almost as fit as Fordy's sister.

My sister's 15, you f***ing paedo.

Give her my number and

tell her to call me in a year.

Yeah, will do. Cheers, Rafa.

She's been dreaming about meeting

a bell-end that works in a petrol station

since she was a little girl.

All right.

Oh, for f***'s sake.

You snooze, you lose.

I swear my man's an apex predator.

Watch him go.

Look, hang on, hang on.

New world record!

Arm touch in under five seconds.

She touched his arm? Big deal.

May as well have been his cock, mate.

Yatesey won't f*** this up.

What the f***?

What are you doing?

What's wrong with you?

Leaving a girl like that at the bar, mate?

You should have taken that sh*t down.

You're a f***in' predator.

That right there is a five date shag, RAF.

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