Play the Game

Step one:

reconnaissance.

First you need to identify

your target.

How about her?

No, she's not planning on

taking anything

home with her tonight.

What about that

hottie down there?

Nope.

Not buying.

There.

How about this guy?

Maybe.

But he looks like the type of

guy that would lowball me.

Service manager,

line three.

Service manager,

line three.

There.

She's the one.

I bet I'll have her sold

in less than five minutes.

Come on.

Not only that,

I'm gonna sell

her the flame car.

No way.

Watch this.

Yes, Mrs. Kennedy,

I realize it's the only one

in the city, and that is why

I'm holding it for you.

You are going to

single-handedly

make it stylish

for women to drive cars

with flames on them.

Exactly, more chic

than women smoking cigars.

I promise you I will not

sell it to anyone else.

You're very welcome.

I'll see you in

half an hour.

All right.

Excuse me.

Can you tell me

about this car here?

Wow.

You got her digits, too,

didn't you?

Mm-hmm.

I don't know

how you do it.

Hate to admit it, man,

but it's my dad.

That's why

he owns the place.

Hey, your dad's got

about a dozen more

flame cars in the back.

You care which color I bring

out next to the showroom?

Your call.

Good to see you,

Mrs. Cranston.

David, I missed you.

I missed you, too.

David.

I'm surprised you remember

how to find the place.

Where is he?

He's in

the game room.

He's expecting you.

You two haven't

spoken in how long?

And you think I'm just

gonna let you show up

and surprise him?

I hear you're gonna drag my

husband out again tonight.

Yup, just gonna

play a little poker

at the dealership

with the boys.

That's on his list of approved

activities, isn't it?

Don't even try

and play me

like you play your little

bimbos, okay?

Rob already caved.

I know all about

your plans.

I don't know what

you're talking about.

Huh.

I'm sure you're gonna find

quality ladies at...

What's the name of

that club Rob told me?

I think it was Imagine.

Image.

And we're going to

a nicer club this time.

Why?

To find nicer bimbos?

Okay.

He's married, David.

Stop dragging him

to these things.

Hey, hey, I've been trying to

get a hold of you, David.

I think he had a mild

stroke about an hour ago.

What, what?

Oh, my... oh, my God.

Oh, Grandpa!

Oh, Grandpa.

Grandpa.

Hey, Grandpa, can your hear me,

are you all right?

Oh, my God,

I can't believe this.

I'm so sorry, Grandpa.

You were like

a father to me.

I love you so much.

Da... vid...

Da... David, yeah.

Grandpa, it's me,

it's David.

I...

I...

got...

you.

I got you, yes.

Of course you've got me,

Grandpa.

I'm right here.

I got you!

You sick son of a b*tch.

I can't believe

you did that.

I can't believe

you fell for that.

You think they'd just leave

me sitting out here

after I just

had a stroke?

All right,

this was a bad idea.

No, no, no, don't go.

I'm sorry,

it was a bad joke.

I'm sorry.

But I gotta say,

it was nice having the old

David back for a moment

and hearing

such nice things.

There's no old David.

Okay, it's just me.

Well, how have you been?

Fine... you?

Oh, my dentures

don't fit

and I'm growing a bunion.

But I ain't got

hemorrhoids.

So I guess

I can't complain.

It's these others

who are sick.

It's depressing.

I hope I don't look like

that when I'm their age.

You're 84,

you are their age.

They're in their 90s.

Hell, that guy over there

I think's 150.

He knows too much

about the Civil War.

You still in that

crappy job of yours,

selling cars with

your dad?

Play some chess

like the old days?

Do you know

what today is?

She was my wife,

David.

Of course I know.

It's been two years,

Grandpa.

Carrie tells me that

you don't talk to anyone.

You sit around

sad all day.

You can't

go on like this.

I'm lost without her.

Sometimes it's hard to

get through the day.

I can't take it anymore.

You know, last week,

I almost tried to end it.

- Off myself.

- That's not funny.

Don't you wanna

know how?

Straight razor.

I figured, well,

if I'm gonna go,

it's got to be

dramatic.

A big, bloody mess.

All right, enough,

Grandpa, okay.

This has

gone on far too long.

It's time that

you started

socializing with women.

Oh, no,

I'm too old.

Grandma told me you

promised her.

Yeah.

Yeah, I did.

And I never broke a promise

to that sweet woman.

And I tried,

but I just couldn't.

Well, I promised her

something, too.

That I would

help you keep your promise

to her if you

couldn't.

Well, I'm gonna help you.

You're gonna help me?

Who's gonna help you?

No offense, David,

but you never were

a real Rudolph Valentino

with the women.

Actually, Grandpa, you might

find this hard to believe,

but over the past few years,

I've become quite

the chick magnet.

Yeah, that is hard for me

to believe.

What are you

doing tonight?

Oh, I got big plans tonight.

"60 Minutes" is doing an

Andy Rooney retrospective.

Well, you can record it.

Because, like it or not,

we're going out.

- We are?

- Yup.

If you wanna win

the game with women,

you first have

to learn

how to play the game.

I'm gonna teach you

every trick I've got.

Swell.

Where are we going?

Well, if you wanna

meet women...

you go where

the women meet.

Yo, Sergio.

I need two drafts and a glass

of hot water with lemon.

So... I saw your wife

at the home today.

Lovely as usual.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You went with

the poker story, right?

Yeah, and she told me

you caved already.

What?

Please say

you didn't tell her.

You know how she hates

when I go rolling

for honeys with you!

She told me you

caved already!

Oh, what?

You idiot, I didn't cave.

You caved!

Oh, she... she totally

played you.

Damn it.

Damn it.

There you go.

All right.

What are you expecting,

a flood?

Come on.

There you go.

Okay.

You okay there?

Hemorrhoids.

No, I don't have

hemorrhoids.

I'm avoiding them.

Ahh!

Did you know the average

person experiences

over three "G"s of pressure

in their butt

as they sit down?

Uh, no,

no, I didn't know that.

Yeah, the slower you sit,

the less "G"s.

The way I do it, it's like

I'm sitting on the moon.

That's fascinating,

Mr. Ward.

You're full of

interesting factoids.

The Discovery Channel

never lets me down.

And not only that...

Whoa!

I was an apprentice to

Harry Houdini back in the day.

It's...

It's true, David.

I was in

the tank with him

at the Shelton for

his last show.

He taught me

everything he knew.

The secret to the

milk-can escape...

Are you ready to

get to work, Grandpa?

Oh, yes, sir.

- Ready and waiting.

- Okay, good.

Step one...

Step one:

reconnaissance.

First you need to

identify your target.

I go for a nice-looking,

intelligent girl

who I think can keep up

with me intellectually.

What about her?

Nice, but she's

drinking red wine,

and I like this shirt

way too much.

Ultimately,

I give up on the nice girl

and go for the hot chick.

What? Metamucil?

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