Playing It Cool Page #3

you were such a quitter.

How am I quitting? I don't know anything

about her I don't know her name.

I don't know where she lives.

I don't know what she does.

- So... nothing.

- You know what Colombo would do?

Prove she's a murderer?

Yeah, but first you'd have to

figure out how to find her!

Granddad was right. I needed

to Colombo the LA charity scene.

So instead of writing,

I started googling.

Scott, you like doing good sh*t.

Want to come and do some research with me?

All right, get your head in the game.

Got your tie on, feeling smart,

looking good. Let's find this girl.

Charities are ridiculous. They like

to fatten you up with their luncheons

and hors d'oeuvres,

and their dinners, and drinks,

and then they want to sweat it

back out of you with their 5Ks.

Oh, hey, there.

I see you at a lot of these.

You're a very caring person.

We need more guys like you.

The truth is, I'm not as charitable

as I probably should be.

So I did what I do best, make sh*t up.

I think that charity

defines you as a man.

Yeah, we try to come out whenever we can.

Especially for the... the... art.

It's, you know,

it's one of those things...

I started spewing tales

of adventure, and outreach,

and I didn't mean to lie, but I'm a writer,

it's the way my brain works.

Don't judge me.

God, look at me, I don't even know

what the hell I'm saying right now.

- Nice to meet you guys. Thanks a lot.

- I may have gone too far.

But I'm having fun, they're having fun.

No harm, no foul, right?

But as time went on,

I started to think it didn't matter

how much of my time was donating.

It wasn't doing any good.

My search for her was a lost cause.

That was my best time yet, bro.

Doesn't matter, she's not here.

What? That's what this is about?

Come on, man, you told me

we were doing research here.

Maybe Scott was right. Maybe it was time

to get my life back to normal.

What was I doing?

Hey, buddy. Look,

just checking in on the script.

Hey, seriously, I've got Ashley Tisdale

breathing down my neck.

She called me six times this week

threatening to face-f*** my dog

if she doesn't see a draft.

I must have misjudged her.

She doesn't care about charity at all.

It's actually kind of selfish of her

to put me through all this.

I don't know why I keep trying.

This is $500 a plate.

Meat or vegetarian?

Yeah, we're gonna... can we...

yeah... can we share a plate?

Shared plate fee is $500.

- I'll have the filet.

- Same.

Enough about my work.

And thank you for all the other powerful

testimonials that have been shared today.

I'd like to keep it going

with a truly great man

that I've only recently had

the pleasure of meeting.

I hope I don't embarrass him too much.

He's farmed coconuts in Cambodia.

- Holy sh*t! That's a real thing?

- He's helped lepers in South America.

Most recently, he singlehandedly

took the Abdu Ali...

Oh, sh*t.

Bring him up, big hand.

Smile, wave, yeah.

A little help, gang,

let's get him up here.

I'm gonna kill this guy.

Get up here. Get up here.

Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!

Speech! Speech! Yeah!

Thank you. Thank you so much.

It really wasn't anything, though.

It was something.

No, believe me,

I'm not just being modest

when I say I really didn't do anything

that anybody else in my position...

wouldn't have done, so...

Don't worry, you're doing great, baby.

Give yourself

a round of applause, right?

- All right.

- You saved the frogs.

It wasn't just me. It wasn't just me.

It was a lot of people involved

a lot of hands in there.

- It was kind of like a hand orgy.

- Oh, God.

- You're not bombing.

- That's inappropriate.

And suddenly, there she was.

Okay, enjoy your afternoon.

Yeah!

- Nailed it, right?

- Like a coffin.

I had no idea you were

such a philanthropist.

Now would be a good time to come clean.

I'm really just a sucker for a good,

catered meal.

Lot better at these frog events

than the rhesus monkey tapas dinners.

God, not the rhesus monkeys,

they're a slush fund charity.

They sprinkle cute, little monkey photos

all over the place like ruffies,

and then they date-rape

your checkbook. Bastards.

You sound very passionate

about monkey rape.

Like you and frog orgies.

So, you here with the guy?

No, no. I'm here with work.

The company I work for bought a table.

We do urban planning and we're helping

the host foundation with a land-use project.

I mean, it sounds boring,

but it's actually really, really fascinating.

Sorry, I fell asleep, what was that?

Very funny.

Want to go for a walk?

Yeah. Yeah, I can walk.

- After you.

- Okay.

I've got a deadline right now

that I can't seem to focus on.

You should try yoga.

Nature has decided my body

won't bend like that.

Oh, no, but that's why you have

to do it. It's good for you.

I know, I know. I think I avoid things

that are good for me.

Oh, I see, the stereotypical,

self-loathing Good Samaritan.

At least you do good things

for other people.

Okay, last chance, a**hole.

Just tell her the truth.

Do you see right there?

Where those two waves collide

and become one?

It's funny.

It's like how... how far

have you traveled?

Years? Thousands of years?

Lifetimes?

For this one moment, right here,

right now, to find each other.

And then to crash...

and go back out to sea

in search of one another again.

I'm just messing with you!

Oh, man.

- I got you.

- You got me.

To crash.

- I was with you.

- I know.

- We had a moment!

- You're romantic! What can you say?

- I'm sorry. You froze up?

- I could have kissed her.

I just didn't want to pull the trigger.

I didn't want to...

ruin it? That doesn't sound right.

Oh, my God. Are you gonna see her again?

No. No. She's got a boyfriend. I'm gonna

get out now before I embarrass myself.

Okay, welcome back, buddy.

That's the first reasonable thing

I've heard you say in weeks.

Hey!

- You!

- Hey!

- What are you doing?

- I'm just walking.

I got a friend with me.

Scott... me and Scott are walking.

Hi, Scott.

Well,

have fun not embarrassing yourself.

- You gonna go check out those waves?

- No, I just pretend.

- Looks cool, though, right? You bought it.

- Looks very cool.

This is a little weird, right?

I know... you meant,

weird that you're stalking me?

I thought you were stalking me.

No, no. If I were stalking you,

you'd never see me. I'm very good at it.

Really? Because I live around the corner,

and I run the neighborhood watch.

So, you have been watching me.

You think you're pretty funny,

don't you?

I think I have promise.

No matter how much your brain

thinks it controls your mouth.

There's always gonna be

that override switch.

So, this might sound kind of nuts.

Maybe we should try running

into each other sometime on purpose?

Did you just ask me on a date?

No, no. I'm just saying

that we keep running into each other.

It feels like, I don't know,

fate wants us to hang out.

Good, because my boyfriend really

hates it when I go out on dates.

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