Playing It Cool Page #4

Sounds controlling.

Look, I think you're getting

the wrong idea about me as a man.

I think we should just be friends.

That's allowed, right?

Guy and a girl hanging out, no big deal.

No relationship stuff.

I'm lousy at relationship stuff.

Oh, don't worry, I have really,

really low expectations.

Then we should definitely hang out.

I'm really good with low expectations.

- Is that so?

- Yes.

In fact, I can pretty much guarantee

that if we hang out

you're gonna walk away

completely unimpressed.

Well, how could I say no to that?

So it's a date.

Sure, but it's a friend date.

F***.

Friend date... friend date.

What the hell is a friend date?

I want him to crawl inside of my vagina.

I left my ovaries abandoned

in the basement like potatoes.

And they started growing arms...

- ...and legs.

- What are you doing? That's rude.

This is a performance. Sit down.

- Not there, back here.

- What is that?

It's a leg. No!

Oh, my God!

Yeah.

Twist ending.

- You are playing with fire.

- No, I'm not.

Thanks. There's nothing wrong

with two adults hanging out as friends.

Men and women can't be friends.

We are squids and squirrels.

- Are you saying we're not friends?

- I'm saying we've slept together.

So? Friends can f***. F*** buddies.

Oh, really? Have you f***ed Scott?

Not physically.

- What's with the German accent?

- Don't change the subject.

I think you're starting to like this girl,

and you're just setting boundaries,

- so you can push them.

- No, I'm not.

If anything, I'm going out with this girl

to prove she's nothing special.

And she's just as ordinary

as every other girl...

Oh, my God, I can't believe

you're about to say that.

Present company excluded.

I went on a friend date recently.

This one's gonna be weird.

So my friend tells me,

"I'll come over,

we'll watch a movie, hang out."

Sounds normal, right?

Now imagine you're me.

- Oh, God.

- Hi.

And the next thing you know

his tongue is halfway down your throat,

and he doesn't stop there.

- My penis hurts.

- What was that?

- My penis hurts.

- Excuse me?

My penis hurts.

Then you'd better go home

and take care of it.

I want you to take care of it.

That's not gonna happen.

I don't even have to take off my pants.

So my advice to you,

if you really like this girl

is take her somewhere in public,

and don't blow it.

- Wow.

- Wow, is right.

- It looks loud.

- It does.

It looks like an audio gang bang.

That's the name of my band.

That's so weird.

December 8th.

An amethyst wood star hummingbird.

Fastest heartbeat in the world.

Sh*t, this guy's heart beats so fast,

he's always on the verge of death.

- What?

- Shitty.

That's super shitty.

- You want to play doctor?

- Yes.

Heart beats...

the ancient Chinese believed

you were only given a limited number

of heart beats when you were born.

You can spend them any way you like,

but your heart uses them up

when it beats faster like

when you get angry or excited.

I wonder if it's the same for boners.

No, I can't find it.

Goddamn it, where is her flaw?

Nothing. You don't have a heart.

Miracle of science.

The problem with our little friend date

is that it didn't feel like a friend date.

We're connecting.

I'm showing her a great time.

And at the end of the night,

she's going home to him.

I'm basically Stuffy's wingman.

All right... I gotta get up

early tomorrow.

Tomorrow's a farmer's market day

which means the guy likes to get there early

- for the ripe tomatoes.

- Right, right, yeah.

I gotta go, too.

I got a late-night poker thing.

Cool, all right, well, this was...

this was fun.

- Yeah.

- Okay. All right, I'll see you soon.

- Okay.

- All right, good luck tonight.

- You, too.

- Bye.

What a s... goddamn it!

You dumb, dumb, dumb... dick.

What a... dick!

- Are you okay?

- Yeah. What's up?

My car won't start.

I'm so sorry you missed poker.

No, that's... what are friends for?

Speaking of,

what are you up to on Thursday?

Tell her you're booked,

busy, completely slammed.

Because I've got this charity event

to go to, but no one to go with.

Say anything, you're doing your taxes,

washing your hair. Oh, my God.

- Sounds good.

- Cool.

All right, right on, second friend date.

All right, yeah, yay!

All right, well...

I'll see you on Thursday.

- Okay.

- Okay.

That's a wave goodbye.

I mistake it for... a f***ing high-five.

And now, I'm left to hear it echo

for the rest of eternity.

You high-fived her? Nice.

- Lane 13, don't throw the ball.

- Maybe she didn't even notice.

Sometimes when I'm playing with kids,

I go up high, and they just stare at me,

like they don't even want to touch it.

- In what world aren't you a pedophile?

- In this world.

Look, she definitely noticed,

it was terrible.

Well, at least you'll never have

to see her again.

Well...

- Come on, man!

- It's a charity! It's a charity!

Boom!

- Here's the deal, you look like hell.

- Like sh*t.

Sh*t, now you're stalking this girl,

and you won't stop talking to us about her.

And you're clearly sexually frustrated.

- Excuse me, hard up.

- Yeah, are you even masturbating properly?

Yes, I'm... no, I don't...

I don't need to masturbate.

- You do need to masturbate.

- This is an intellectual connection...

based on common interests.

For people who have common...

shared interests.

- Oh, my God.

- Okay.

Oh, my God. You're falling for her.

- No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.

Look, I'm sorry I don't believe

in the fairy tale.

But your idea of falling in love

is what lonely people tell each other

- and justify sticking it out.

- Lonely people?

No, bullshit, man. Love is amazing.

It connects people. It makes

the whole better than the parts.

- Oh, sh*t! Sorry!

- Hey, Lane 13, stop throwing the ball.

Look at the divorce rate...

people are petty, emotional whores.

They don't pair off to connect, they do it

to spread their misery, like STD's.

What you're defending is an ideal

that can't exist in an imperfect world.

You are lying to yourself

to try to prove that she's not special.

And that's deceptive... to you,

to her, to your connection.

You can not get to the truth

through deception.

Mall's right, you're gonna ruin this,

because you're a soulless, love hater.

None of you know

what you're talking about.

And don't over-romanticize things, because

you read Love in a Time of Yellow Fever.

- Time of Cholera.

- It's pronounced ch-olera, by the way.

- It's cholera.

- Like chalupa.

So what's your big plan?

You're gonna wreck her relationship

until you get bored and stop calling?

I don't know, Mallory.

I didn't even want to talk about this.

You guys are all getting on my case,

you're dumping your man issues on me.

Did you just say "man issues"?

Man issues? Are you kidding me?

- Mall!

- Oh, sh*t!

- You're the one that is going out with her!

- Stop throwing the ball, lady!

Why don't you just go already?

F***ing go! Go already!

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