Playing It Cool Page #5

- Can I just bowl?

- That's it! No more!

Maybe they were right,

I had to end this.

But if I was gonna do it, I was gonna

do it like a gentleman, in person.

Bring on the charity.

Nice suit.

- What kind of charity is this?

- I didn't... I didn't tell you about this?

You're lucky I'm wearing underwear.

I would have pegged you

for a brief guy. No?

- I'm thoroughly impressed.

- Are you?

Should I feel emasculated?

Maybe.

Holy sh*t.

- You totally did.

- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did.

- No, I didn't.

You made a sound

during the Warrior 3 pose.

- What pose is that?

- Okay. Let me refresh your memory.

Oh, that noise, that was me.

I do it all the time.

What?

What's the deal with you and Stuffy?

That is not his name.

Isn't it, though.

I don't know,

we'll probably get married.

Probably? You don't sound so sure.

No, I mean, we talk about it, you know?

Every few months,

we kind of sit down and we discuss it.

Sounds romantic.

I'm not ready.

Why?

I don't know, I guess I just always

thought it would feel a little different.

You know? Maybe it's not supposed to.

- And I'm fine with that.

- Okay.

Obviously it's none of my business, but when

you say fine, it sounds like comfortable.

What's wrong with being comfortable?

Nothing.

Are you happy?

I'm happy,

and... he is stable...

and he is very passionate about his job,

and my parents love him,

my friends love him,

and he is everything that I need.

What about what you want?

You may check off all the right boxes,

but you can't plan happiness.

Okay, describe your perfect wedding.

I don't know.

I've never thought about it.

San Francisco, outdoor wedding

at one of the city's heart sculptures.

50 people, modern ceremony,

trolley takes us from the heart sculpture

to the Tara for a reception,

and a hell of a lot of Scotch.

Why isn't he the one you're dragging

to yoga and art shows?

Who said I never asked him first?

I like you.

I like you.

- Is that a bad thing?

- Yeah, it's a very bad thing.

I'm saying I have someone that I trust.

Okay? Someone that I've built

a life with and...

God, whatever this is, it's...

It's not gonna change that.

- Yikes.

- Yikes.

Okay.

- Wow, Debbie Downer.

- Okay.

- Okay. Okay.

- Okay. Okay.

I'll see you.

- Okay... so, you should probably stretch.

- Yeah.

All right, enough.

- Don't be such a p*ssy.

- Yeah, man, don't be such a p*ssy.

- Really, Scott?

- What?

No, Scotty's right.

Do you know how long I waited

for you to actually fall for a girl?

And now you're just puttering around.

I'm not the one staying

in a bad relationship. That's not on me.

When I met your grandmother,

she was engaged to an Italian.

You think that wop knew what to do

with her? I had to steal her!

I saved her! And when I die,

I want to be buried right on top of her.

Yeah, that's... that's pretty romantic.

And you, you won't even fight

for the girl you love.

Don't let the death of your mother

haunt you for the rest of your life.

- Get on with things!

- That has nothing to do with this.

Look, love is like your 401k,

it matches your investment.

You love a little, you're loved little.

All right,

I think we need to tell him the story.

What story? Wait, do you guys

hang out without me?

Look, I never had a granddad, okay?

Don't be selfish. Tell him.

It was 1943.

I was in San Diego, I was in the Navy.

Then I saw her.

Every man in the bar

was lined up to talk to her,

but I didn't let that deter me.

Her eyes sparkled.

Her lips were like two perfect,

red roses.

It was fate,

and I couldn't deny fate.

Time stood still has we danced.

The music, the lights...

she felt like sunshine in my arms.

She looked like a princess...

and I was her prince.

It was magic.

Granddad, this sounds

like a Disney cartoon.

Really? A Disney cartoon, you p*ssy?

This was a man stuff.

I shipped out the next day

and I never thought I'd see her again.

My dearest, I do not know

if I will ever see you again,

and as you know, I am already engaged.

I am sorry, my love,

if we could be together,

I would turn the world on its side.

But I am to be wed

on the 3rd of January.

And at that exact moment

a fleet of U-boats blasted our ship.

But not even Nazis

can stand in the way of love.

I had to get back to her.

I swam shark-infested waters.

Scaled the sea cliffs

of Canada's Labrador Coast.

Raced across plains, deserts,

and burial grounds.

It was the longest

three days of my life.

Excusi, what the hell

do you think you're doing?

That kiss changed everything.

And after that,

the Allies turned the tide of war,

and we lived happily ever after.

That's a beautiful story, Granddad.

- It's not your granddad.

- Whatever.

See, women, they want to be fought over.

They like to feel desired.

Just seems like if she felt half

of what I feel, she'd explode.

Well, you feel all these things, but...

I mean, you're not doin g anything.

- Which makes him a what, Scotty?

- A p*ssy.

That's right. You're a p*ssy.

Hey! What's wrong with you?

- I'm sorry!

- Where'd that rock come from?

- Wait, who are you?

- Some p*ssy just broke our window.

- What are you doing down there?

- Sorry, sorry!

- Hey! What's going on?

- Sorry, guys, I'm looking for her.

- Why?

- Yeah, why?

I was just seeing if you wanted

to do something... with me.

Like what?

- Anything.

- What time is it?

- Midnight or 1:
00.

- It's kind of late.

- Yeah, it is kind of late.

- Thanks. Thank you.

But is it too late?

So... what now?

I don't know.

I was kind of improvising back there.

I didn't think you were gonna come with me.

So, you don't do this all the time?

Well, you'd think,

given how smooth that was.

You spend a lot of time down here?

Training to be a longshoreman

in case that charity circuit dries up?

Honestly, I don't think

they're ready for this much man.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

I did spend a lot of time down here, though,

as a kid. My granddad took me here a lot.

We'd walk up and down the docks

we'd pick a boat, pretend to own it,

name it, and then list

all the places you'd sail to.

My granddad was great at it, too.

He'd pick names like Helen of Troy

or the S.S. Excalibur.

Sail to places like Sea of Cortez

and Zanzibar, you know?

And what about you?

I was the captain of the S.S. Heman,

and we had set a course

for Castle Grayskull.

- Nice.

- Yeah, yeah.

Bit of a novice when it came

to charting aquatic courses.

Oh, you two must be close.

Well, he pretty much raised me.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay,

you own one of these boats.

Top place, where you going?

Oh, gosh, I gotta say Costa Rica.

- Costa Rica? Really, why?

- Yeah.

I don't know, I guess I've always

just wanted to go there.

You know... exciting nightlife,

culture everywhere. Tropical fruits.

Okay, so... your top destination

has endless exotic fruits,

- a place that never sleeps...

- Yeah.

...and a population

that predominantly speaks Spanish.

Okay...

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