Playing It Cool Page #6

I can do this. I can do this right now.

Follow me.

Very clever.

Life is too short, you know?

Holding a grudge against the Captain?

I don't know what you're supposed

to do with a grudge.

- Do tell.

- I'm kidding.

No, you're not,

there's totally a story there.

You're really not gonna tell me?

Okay, come on,

help me find a birthday card.

My dearest daughter...

may you live all the days

of your life... happy birthday.

If Christmas isn't in your heart...

you'll never find it under a tree.

- Happy birthday.

- This isn't a joke.

- Who's birthday is it?

- Mine.

- It's your birthday?

- As of 30 minutes ago.

- Right now?

- Yeah, right now.

Well... happy birthday.

What? No cash? You're a cheap ass.

Isn't buying a birthday card

for yourself a little depressing?

Should we get one of those

"cheer up" ones?

It's... it's not supposed to be from me.

It's supposed to be from my dad.

When I was little, he died a couple days

before my birthday. So...

- I'm sorry... what happened?

- He killed himself.

But then, on my birthday,

I got a card from him.

He had sent it before he died,

and he'd said that he was sorry

and that he loved me.

Love is a little messed up sometimes.

So, you know, every year on my birthday

I pick out a card

that I think he would get me...

and I sign it from him.

And this might be it.

- No b*obs, no bone?

- It wasn't that kind of kiss.

It was emotional, but wasn't about sex.

I'm so confused. I don't know

how to translate what you just said.

What did her tongue taste like?

What are you doing

with your girlfriend there?

Deflating her, and this is

my carpool lane associate.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah, do you want to finish her off?

Yeah, sure.

Hey! Whoa, stop!

You're lucky I have two of these.

It's my view that if you don't screw her soon

you're gonna screw it up for both of you.

You know what? You would both be

better off if you just forget about her.

You know, I have a short story that's exactly

perfect for this moment right now.

Mallory, do you want to come

help me find it?

I don't know. I don't think anyone's

ever gone in your van on purpose

- so I'm not gonna be the first.

- What the eff!

Lyle! If you're gonna move your house,

you have to tell everybody in the group.

Can we just stop calling it a house?

Do you mind?

Sorry, Scott, do you want to come

in here and help me find something?

It's got a steering wheel, it can

make turns. It can go to different states.

- Careful.

- It has a license plate.

Pass.

It's like I was saying,

sexual tension can cloud a man's mind.

When the dick takes over,

the brain shuts off.

- Are we still... are we on this?

- Both sides.

It's writers 101, women want romance,

men want climax.

One good orgasm, this guy's got all

his questions answered. Every single one.

I'm sorry. Do men honestly think

that sex is the answer to everything?

- Yes.

- Yeah.

And it's also a time-tested shortcut,

since the dawn of man.

If you can bang a girl, and forget

about her, then she's forgettable.

Yeah, that's poetry.

Hey, just forget about her. Move on.

Hey, he cannot forget about her, okay?

He's already built her up

as his mysterious forbidden fruit.

So, unless he unravels the mystery,

she'll haunt him, you know,

until the end of time.

I've got a story about a serf. Okay?

The serf was in love with the maiden...

but he never told her,

so she married another.

The serf vowed to forget her,

and to never be a slave to love again.

Became a cold bastard,

he was unfulfilled. He was empty.

There had to be more. So he became

a monk, looking for the Divine.

He ran to ends of the earth,

searching for the spiritual fulfillment

of the boundless and the everlasting.

After many years had passed,

and he'd finally cleared his mind

of all the earthly thoughts

when he opened his mouth for the first

word that popped into his mind.

And it was... her name.

Gee, Grandpa, that was great.

Why don't you tell the story about the time

you got drunk and tried to finger me.

Okay, here it is.

It's about this Russian astronaut who fell

in love with the mistress of the czar.

- Lyle, I'm telling a story.

- Yeah, no, it's the same story...

because he couldn't have

the girl he loved, right?

So he ends up taking the space mission

and he ends up floating off in space,

alone... without her, going crazy.

Are you done? Are you finished?

Well, he'll probably run out

of oxygen at some point.

So then, that would probably be the end.

Well, the point of my story is that

you can't just forget about her...

- you have to answer the question.

- Yeah, mine, too. It's the same story.

And then after that,

you suffocate out in space.

Same story.

Frogs are becoming extinct

throughout the rainforest.

But what's more interesting...

I never thought online dating

was for me until I tried it on a dare.

- Hello.

- All right, I need to talk. Are you busy?

No, no.

This friend thing has gotten off-track.

- It was the kiss, wasn't it?

- It's everything.

I've got such a huge pit in my stomach.

I can't eat, I can't sleep.

So... it was a good kiss?

That is irrelevant, okay?

That shouldn't...

- We can't.

- I know. I know, it's messing me up, too.

You think we should just have sex,

get it out of our system?

We are not having sex!

Well, you're not offering any solutions.

I'm just trying to be helpful.

Helpful to yourself.

How does you getting laid help me?

I've explored every other option.

I can't just be friends.

I'm not getting a sex change and I refuse

to die out in space or join a monastery.

How are those the only options?

- I'm open to suggestions.

- Well, I don't have any.

That doesn't mean sex.

All right, the kiss was a mistake.

Look, if this thing between us,

if it's nothing, if it's just infatuation,

- maybe sex will cure it?

- Stop it.

- So, what will it be?

- Some cold turkey.

No, I don't want cold turkey.

I want a hot... open-face sandwich.

No, nothing hot.

I want something steamy.

- I want soup.

- He'll have gazpacho.

We don't do gazpacho.

The menus are right there.

Okay, I'll pick. I want ice cream.

Oh, something sweet?

And a little bit bad for you.

We're out of ice cream.

- Of course, you are.

- Sorry.

Could you bring us

some whipped cream and jelly?

Whatever.

Wow, what do you got

up your sleeve, Copperfield?

Are you on that new condiment diet?

- There you go.

- Thank you.

Okay, I'm getting excited now.

Voil.

Ice cream.

Oh, God.

My whole life,

I've felt guilty after sex.

Guilty for everything I said

and done to get there.

- So.

- So.

But the thing I learned is when you

actually care about the person,

you don't feel guilty.

Welcome back, Cap.

You know I couldn't even...

I couldn't even eat this stuff

until last night. Look at me now.

- I hope you don't think it means something.

- Of course, it means something.

You bet your ass, it means something.

You feel it, too, I can see it.

Yeah, I feel something, but I told you

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