Playing It Cool Page #7

last night, this can't happen.

Come on, you can't say

you don't feel differently now.

Yeah, but it always feels like this

at first. Like with my boyfriend,

and all the other guys before him,

and then eventually it becomes...

ordinary.

Ordinary?

You think last night was ordinary?

No, I think last night was amazing.

But that's not the point.

It was amazing, so what's the problem?

Screw those guys, they're not me.

Yeah, but what about the next guy?

Is that gonna be amazing?

- The next guy? There's already a next guy?

- No, the metaphorical next guy.

God, now I gotta go meet

my boyfriend for lunch.

Your boyfriend?

Wait, wait you gonna tell him about us?

What? No, I'm not gonna tell him

about us. That I screwed up?

Yeah, what's wrong with that?

It's the truth! Do you want me to tell him?

No, I don't want you to tell him.

I gotta go.

Fine! You know what?

I thought this was special.

You're telling me it's ordinary. I guess

I was wrong. Enjoy all your next guys.

Sounds like you gotta give her more space.

You know? You're crowding her.

- Yeah.

- Shut up, you don't get to talk.

- The dude's got a point... got a point.

- What do you mean, he has a point?

You're the one that told me

sleeping with her was the only way.

No, I said that sleeping with her

would give you the answer.

I didn't know you were gonna lose it

and start acting needy.

I'm not needy. We had a connection.

So, dude, you take a girl home

for the first time and sleep with her,

and you wake up in the morning

and she's trying to...

you know, re-arrange your life.

How... how would you react to that?

You gotta fix that, man.

Sh*t, I'm needy.

Hey, it's me.

- Truce lunch?

- I didn't know we were at war.

Well, I guess this is me

waving the white flag.

I'm glad you called, actually.

You are?

Look, I am so sorry about the other morning.

I completely panicked, you know?

No, I'm sorry. It's completely me,

I was so out of line.

You freaked out a little bit,

and then that made me freak out

and then you freaked out more.

And everything just got, you know...

freaky.

I know, but maybe

you were right about things.

About you being in something

for the wrong reason

or feeling differently about us?

Or both?

Give me one good reason

why you and I belong together.

I feel like the universe is pushing me

in a certain direction. And...

God... All right, you know when...

your friends tell you stories about their

break-up or their pet dying, whatever?

I do this thing where I imagine

myself in the story.

I feel like I can't do it now,

without you in it with me.

- Oh, my God.

- It's a sign.

- It's not a sign.

- It is. Trust me.

- I do, that's what scares me.

- Hey! I knew that was you.

Sh*t, it's the last guy I need to see.

Where you been? I haven't seen you

at any of the monkey dinners.

Yeah. My schedule's been crazy.

And I'm talking to the event coordinator

at the Assist-a-Sister craft sale

but she said that she'd never

even heard of you.

I'm all, screw that, sister,

he's on the board of directors.

Then she showed me her business card

and she's on the board of directors.

Liar's block... it's like writer's block,

but for shitheads.

I'm not technically as involved in the charity

scene as I may have led you to believe.

- What does that mean?

- Well, charity events don't pay the bills.

I go when I can, I just don't go

as often as I'd like to.

Or claim to.

- What do you do, exactly?

- I'm a writer.

You've been lying this whole time.

No, no, no, no, don't think of it like that.

Although it is technically accurate.

Africa? Rainforest? The frogs?

I want to take your drink

and throw it in your face.

I did help with the frogs!

I shouldn't be here.

God, I'm such an idiot.

I really did!

I met a frog scientist at...

I don't care about the frogs.

F*** the frogs!

You look like sh*t. What are you,

method writing or something?

- I'm a fraud.

- Don't go to a dark place, man.

RomComs are supposed

to be funny, remember?

Look,

it's not that hard, man. Check it out.

Boy meets girl, right?

Sh*t happens, right?

Boy, girl, do it... happily ever after.

That's not the way the world

works, Bryan. It's a sh*t show.

And you didn't draw hair on the girl,

I don't know which one is the dude.

Fine, I'll give you hair. What kind of hair

you want? You want a Beyonc look?

You want like a Dolly Parton thing?

Puff, you want a flat-top?

No, you know what?

That's perfect, that's what love is.

It's this simple thing in our brains

and you try and put it in the world

and it gets decimated.

You can't even draw love on a napkin,

without it looking like two dudes 69-ing.

You're right.

You can't put love on paper.

You have a better chance of bleeding

your heart out through a paper cut

- then through a pen.

- What? Is that deep?

No, it's from another client's script.

I don't think it's good,

but everybody wants it.

Bidding all day on it,

because he finished the script.

RomComs aren't true.

They're what we wish were true.

And right now, what I wish was true,

is that you would meet your damn deadline!

And I really wish we weren't

having this conversation.

Okay. So, what I'm seeing

is you're distracted,

can't write, can't meet your deadline,

because of a girl!

So let's get a new girl!

How about that? Good?

Distraction from your distraction?

Let's head over to this party

I was gonna go to.

I don't know

if my heart's into it, Bryan.

F*** your heart, man!

I'm talking about Champagne and blow jobs!

Let's go meet some girls.

Let's roll them up.

Let's glaze 'em like doughnuts.

No sh*t, cross my heart,

I tell the guy to get out of my house.

He leaves a book on the table.

I make a call, two weeks later...

Hunger Games.

Hey, man. Tequila?

What am I doing here?

The girl I love is probably screwing

some other guy right now.

Probably sweat-staining

the sheets with pleasure.

Coining new words

with orgasm after orgasm.

God knows that's what I'd be doing.

Hey, man. I think I'm gonna take off.

- You didn't find a distraction?

- No.

I honestly don't know what I felt.

But It was kind of like my heart

was drowning.

Maybe she's not the one.

Maybe my body and my instincts,

and the whole universe

are just lying to me.

I don't even know

what makes sense anymore.

Come on, man, please open up.

Just talk to me for a second?

All right, all right, look...

Sometimes when I'm searching for,

you know, porn to masturbate to,

if I'm looking for girls that are a lot

like the girl that I'm seeing,

that's a good sign. All right?

- Okay.

- So, ask yourself,

if you do that. I gotta go, man,

I'm in the middle of something.

Lyle! That's not advice. Come on, man,

give me like five minutes, be a friend.

- All right.

- Look, look, look...

You've gotta go to her.

Tell her how you feel.

- She knows how I feel.

- But did you tell her you love her?

I don't think she believes in love.

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