Playing It Cool Page #8

To be honest, I don't know if I do.

Doesn't matter, as long as you feel it.

Look, she loves these little cat kisses.

They're so cute.

Look, I have needs and you're blocking

those needs right now.

Go talk to Mallory,

she loves your little issues.

Thank you. Thank you.

She won't return any of my calls.

She's ignoring my texts.

Why are girls so crazy?

Men, men make us crazy.

You know what I mean, though?

You're with this crazy person,

and they're making you crazy.

You just want to shake them

- and show them what you see!

- Yeah, I've been there.

How'd you handle it?

- Me? I didn't do anything.

- Nothing?

You must have done something.

How strong were your feelings?

- Pretty strong.

- The guy from the play?

No, he was too needy.

Some other guy.

All right, if you had to go back

and do it all over again,

- would you tell him how you felt?

- I don't know. It might hurt.

Yeah, but doesn't this hurt?

What if he felt the same way?

I love you.

- Sh*t.

- I love you.

I should've told you.

I thought you knew.

And that's why I never told you.

- Where's our script, b*tch?

- Yeah, where's our script?

I'm gonna slit your throat

and penetrate your mind.

Yeah.

- Hello?

- I need to tell you something.

- I'm engaged.

- What?

I've been a total mess and I'm sorry.

It's been all my fault.

- I've projected all of my fears onto you.

- Why would you do this?

Because he's the one steady thing

in my life. It's time.

It's time? That's your reason?

You don't love this guy.

What are you doing? God! Stop it!

This is a mistake. I know you don't see it

right now, but I promise you will regret it.

- Oh, my God.

- I love you.

Are you out of your mind? Oh, my God!

- You better find my goddamn ring!

- I'll buy you another ring!

- All right, move! I'll find your ring.

- Jesus Christ! Watch where you're stepping!

- If it was bigger, it'd be easier to find.

- Oh, really? Do you hear that a lot?

Here!

Jesus Christ! Why do you have

to complicate everything?

Me? You called me!

Why didn't you just text?

I don't want you to marry this guy.

Why him? Why now?

- Give me one good reason.

- It makes sense.

- What do you want to hear?

- That you love him.

You want to hear that I love you.

I can't give you that.

I want to put my face in a waffle iron.

- I want to jump in front of a Maglev train.

- No, you don't.

Maybe you're pitying yourself

a little too much here.

Pitying? It's not pity. I'm hurt.

Okay, but what about... her?

I mean, you know, you put her

in a pretty tough spot here.

She's marrying a guy she doesn't love.

She put herself in that spot.

Yeah, and you went after a girl

that has a boyfriend.

I mean, you kind of

brought that on yourself.

If you really love her,

maybe you should... let her go.

- Who's side are you on?

- I'm... I'm on love's side.

Oh, my God...

Scott, I don't need some romanticized

metaphor right now, all right?

Okay, just trying to help.

Really? And where'd you gain

this amazing insight into love?

You've been in love with the guy

from the book store for two years.

You haven't done sh*t. At least

I tried, I put myself out there.

Look, Vince is obviously straight.

No gay man thinks that Terminator

is the most romantic movie of all time.

Plus, I did the whole

Ghost-ditto line thing on him.

Nothing. So I think it's pretty safe

to say if he's gay, he'd be all over this.

You're lying to yourself. You run around

leaving this romance book for people to find.

That doesn't make you an expert in love.

That book is my art.

Okay, I bet not one person

who found it ever read it.

Wait a second, you never read it?

You told me you read it.

Don't make your Scott face.

If it's that important to you, I'll read it.

If it's that important to me?

I got pink eye

- from a charity dunk tank for you.

- You didn't write it.

Oh, my God, you are so self-absorbed!

That book changed my life!

It inspired me to write!

To... to accept myself, Jesus!

- Come on, man, don't do this. This is...

- Christ!

I've seen you run through Mallory.

I've seen you dismiss Lyle.

You barely ever visit Granddad.

The entire time I thought I was exempt.

For some reason,

I thought I was the exception.

- Really? You want to go there over a book?

- What's the name of the book?

E... Eternal Love and Leprosy.

I'm kidding!

It's... Love and the Time of Cholera.

Love in the Time of Cholera.

90 percent.

Well, Mr. Screenwriter...

I am just so glad

that I'm not in the movie of your life.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- You're the lead, right? You're the star.

But it'll never be a great romance.

Do you want to know why?

It's only about one person.

You didn't write the book!

Hey!

Hey! It's me!

Jesus! Did you just throw a rock at me?

Sh*t! Head's up!

Sorry. You can't marry him.

You want logic, I'll give you logic.

One, you don't love him.

Jesus, do not do this.

The sex is better with me.

I know, I have first-hand experience.

- Who is it?

- It's no one!

It's not no one! I'm the one!

Third,

he hates hearts. He hates museum hearts.

He's gonna hate San Francisco hearts.

He hates my heart,

because my heart smokes...

What's going on out here?

Oh, God, look at him!

Your kids are gonna look like that?

- Look, do you want me to call the cops?

- No, just go inside, he's drunk.

- Call 'em, b*tch. Call the cops!

- Look, I swear to God, I'm gonna...

Gonna what? Stand up there

and talk me to death or come down here

- and stuff my balls in your mouth.

- Right.

Third! I love you.

There's no one else, I know.

I've looked.

Have you got a problem, punk?

You're trying to harass me

and my fiancee, are you?

She doesn't love you, man.

Let me show you what happens

when you're drunk.

Beat his ass!

Yeah!

Unfortunately,

this is what actually happens.

She doesn't love you, man.

What is wrong with you?

I just bought these at Barney's!

He asked me to move in with him.

We're gonna elope in December.

- You hate me.

- I don't hate you.

I nothing you.

Oh, Scott.

I know I owe you an apology,

but I can't talk right now.

- I had a really rough night.

- If there's one universal law...

beyond relativity and string theory

and M-theory, it's this.

- Things can always get worse.

- Granddad died.

I'm sorry.

So death comes as a reminder.

It grabs us and shakes us,

opens our eyes.

And our focus is changed...

shifted... revised.

To the finder of this book...

This book changed my life,

so I wanted to share it with you.

I'm gonna tell you this one from my point

of view so you can put yourself in there.

...the song, the memory...

So the story goes,

a guy falls in love with a girl

the second he meets her,

but it takes him a lifetime

to finally get together.

When they do, they end up on a boat,

and they realize the only way they can

stay together is to never go ashore,

so they raise the yellow cholera flag

so no port will take them,

and they drift out to sea until the end.

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