Please Kill Mr. Know It All

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This is the comeback story of all time.

Our guest has the number 1 movie out.

Your album is coming out next week, you've

won an Oscar, a grammy, a Tony, an Emmy...

You're getting Nobel Peace Prize for

the work you've done in Middle East.

Your charity saved the whales and

trees while feeding the children.

It's changing the world as we know it.

I guess life is good.

It hasn't always been that way, has it?

I don't hold it against you to

bring it up, let me start with that.

It's my job.

I was a man that seemed

to have everything.

And yet I had nothing.

What changed?

- You wouldn't believe it.

Try me.

- Alright.

Rockbottom. That's where I was.

I had nowhere to go.

Like naked women be... With

baseball bats just for kicks.

It wasn't until I wrote away to this

little advice column in the newspaper...

I wrote to a man named Mr Know It All.

And his advice guided me and helped me...

To find my way, to find

my way to a better place.

It actually brought

me to where I am now.

Who is Mr Know It All?

He's an enigma.

Maybe we should have him on the show.

There are people that

live fun, exciting lives.

And then there are people like me.

It's not because i'm boring.

Well, I am boring. BUt I don't

need excitement in my life.

I think it's overrated.

I just see life like it is.

People ask me, is the cup

half full or is it half empty.

I just say hey, be happy you got a cup.

Have I always been like this?

I think there's a point

in every kid's life...

Where they hear and see

something and they go, what the...

Things are going great,

life is great, and then...

For my friend Patti, it

was my 9th birthday party.

But that bubble bursting moment

is different for everyone.

Goldie has been sleeping

for a really long time.

For me, it was when I heard

the story of the Monkey Paw.

I mean you guys know that story right?

Guy goes into a pawn shop,

tries to buy an evil Monkey Paw...

Why would anyone want this ugly thing?

It's great to honor three wishes.

I'll take it.

But the owner won't

sell. Says it's too evil.

SO the guy steals it, and

brings it home for his wife.

The wife is thrilled

to get three wishes...

Even though the guy warns her

that the Monkey Paw is evil...

The wife wishes for $100.

Suddenly the telephone rings, and

they're informed that their son is dead.

Mangled to bit in some

construction accident.

But the good news is they

get $100 from the company.

The wife is totally distraught and

wishes that the son was alive again.

Suddenly they hear a tapping

noise coming from the front door...

But the husband realizes that

if the son was alive again...

He would be this mangled tormented mess.

Oh my dear God.

So the husband used the third wish

to wish that his son was dead again.

So in the end, all they

get is $100 and a dead son.

And the moral of the story is...

Is...

- Be careful what you wish for.

What the...

What kind of children bedtime

story is that? I freaked out.

I started to remember

stuff I wished for...

I wish I didn't have

to go to piano lesson.

That day there was a fire in

my dad's dry cleaning business...

And since my dad didn't have

insurance it wiped us out financially.

So hey, no more piano lesson.

And the time I wished for a puppy.

That's enough!

Well, my dad left us to

live with his new girlfriend.

But the condo they were living

in wouldn't take her dog.

My dad's girlfriend's used puppy.

That's my girl.

Crap.

It all made sense now, after

the monkey paw, my bubble bursts.

Careful what you wish for is my mantra.

Make a wish, sweety.

I don't waste my time with

hopes or wishes. I deal in facts.

Aren't you gonna make a wish?

Mostly useless.

But over the years, that useless

knowledge has come in handy for my day job.

My not forever job.

As I write books.

Actually I write book.

But I plan on writing the second

one once my first one is published.

But for now, I write a newspaper column.

Ask Mr Know It All.

How many hairs on a human head?

Well, that depends.

Is it a blonde, a

brunette or a red head?

Over all, I am happy to have

things just the way they are.

No changes, no surprises.

Hi, Sal. It's Patti!

Girl, we are famous!

What the...

- It's great news.

I don't want great news, how

do we go from obscurity to this?

You're not lying to me, are you?

I would never lie to you.

Wait, actually scratch that.

I'll just send it to you,

it'll explain everything.

Rock bottom.

- That's right.

You wrote to a newspaper columnist...

- It's pretty simple.

And this...

- Like most answers...

Who is this Mr Know It All?

I just don't know...

- Mr Know It All writes for a newspaper...

A simple man, i'm sure. Because the

answer... Right in front of us...

All spiritual leaders...

We all need to reach out.

I just assume if I turn them at

Passover, that it would be okay.

You have to have 3 months left on it.

Do you not even know

Mr Know It All column?

No.

Time to disipline your kids

is not when you're angry...

Disipline them when you're calm.

I know, it sounds so simple.

If it wasn't for Mr Know It All...

I would've kept on with the...

Ineffectual damaging screaming matches.

Mr Know It All said it's perfectly

fine and happens to many guys.

So, i'm not the only one.

Sal!

Your column is breaking records.

Okay, you were right. It's not that bad.

I have even have some

nipples about syndication...

We are so in the money, Sal!

Really?

- Yes, really.

They want a picture.

No problem, I can send them the one

that you took at the picnic last summer.

No, they think you're a guy.

Just tell them it's me.

- I can't.

WHy not?

It's complicated.

How complicated can it be, Patti? You just

send them my bio, they'll meet me and...

Oh.

Don't tell me. You lied?

And then you lied some

more, and you probably...

...lied some more. And

now we can't get out of it.

If the readers find out that

they have been had, we're history.

All they want is a picture,

it's not a big deal.

Where am I gonna find a

picture of Mr Know It All?

I don't know, wherever.

You will figure it

out. Just get me a face.

Okay, and the 4th caller gets

a free Mr. Know It All t-shirt.

Patti's right, it is not a big deal.

It's not that I lied...

It's just a picture.

Not even a picture, a drawing.

I doubt anyone would even recognize him.

And even if someone did, it probably

would not make a difference to his life.

An ordinary guy...

Who lives an ordinary dull life.

So, you start with a lie.

A small one.

And now they want the

real Mr Know It All.

There is no real Mr Know It All.

We are in big sh*t.

All we need is a video of the guy.

It'll buy us some time until

we think of something else.

How hard will it be?

We'll hire a waiter.

A waiter?

Yeah, a waiter and actor. Whatever.

We'll film the guy and add a voice over.

And what do we do if he

tells everyone he's a fake?

Then, we'll have to kill him.

Okay, that was a joke.

I got it.

One more and then we're even.

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