Plump Fiction Page #3

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your extermination bill.

So I opened up my heart,

allowing you to come into this

dank and mouldy room every night

and take off all your clothes

in front of drunken low-life,

pathetic scumbag strangers,

so you could afford

to pay me back.

But that was four years ago.

Monticello, I have paid you back

for the frigging extermination.

Did the ants

ever come back, Kandy?

(SIGHS)

No. No.

Because I did my job.

And you don't leave here

until you finish yours.

('ROCK YOUR BABY' PLAYS)

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Bonjour, Rhonda.

Jimmy. They let you back

in the country? Good move.

Say, Rhonda,

do you wanna hear what they call

a bartender in Albania?

No.

Are you sure? It's kinda wacky.

Keep it in your pants, Sundance.

So, is the big guy around?

He's over there.

Talking to one of the strippers.

Now, all this money

might seem unfair,

but if it's any consolation to you,

I just took it up the butt myself.

Couple of whacked-out wrestlers

doublecrossed me

and made off with

a very valuable briefcase.

So, do we feel good about this?

Say it.

We feel good about this.

Like you mean it.

We feel good about this.

Good.

Now say it like you're underwater.

What?

Say it.

(GURGLES)

We feel good about this.

Hey, Jimmy-

I hear you're taking Mimi out

to break some bread.

Yeah, well, Monticello wants me

to spend the afternoon with her.

Whatever you do,

don't let her eat Mexican.

(MARIACHI MUSIC)

Mexican'?

Yeah, you know, tacos,

fajitas, enchiladas.

Why not'?

'Cause that's when

all the trouble starts.

Trouble?

Yeah.

You didn't hear

about Tony Krakatoa?

I heard some things.

All I know is Mimi sends Tony out

for some chimichangas, right?

The next thing you know, he's packed

tighter than a Japanese subway

at rush hour!

Hey, Jimmy-

You wanna know what they call

a burrito over at Montello's house?

What?

They don't, stupid!

Haven't you been listening?

No Mexican!

Putz.

You strippers will do anything

for a buck.

(LAUGHS) Come on, now.

Get out of here before I wet my pants.

Come on, squee-zam,

you f***in'...

Nice tinsel.

F*** off.

Hey, hey! There he is!

Jimmy Nova!

Mr Eurotrash himself. Hey!

You kill any bugs for me

this morning'?

I'm back on the job.

Attaboy.

I can see, travelling around the world,

you haven't lost your touch.

Wanna hear what they call

a cockroach in Botswana?

Why the f***

would anybody wanna know that'?

Now, look, this afternoon,

I'm sending you out

on your most important job yet.

Now, you know my Mimi

means the world to me.

And if anything should happen to

my sweet, plump, adorable little Mimi,

I couldn't be held accountable

for my actions.

I hear ya.

Good.

So, we feel good about this?

Say it.

We feel good about this.

Good.

Now, say it like there was

a hot poker up your ass.

('CRIMSON & CLOVER' BY TOMMY

HAMES AND THE SHONDELLS)

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)

MIMI:
Jimmy.

I'm slipping into

something more comfortable.

The door's unlocked.

Come on in and..."

(BURPS)

..make yourself at home.

Mimi."

Hello? (KNOCKS AT DOOR)

Anybody home?

Mimi?

(OVER P.A. SYSTEM) Hello, Jimmy.

Is that you?

Hey! Turn it down, will ya'?

(NOISY FEEDBACK)

There. Is that better, cowboy'?

Yeah, it's much better.

Hey, where the hell are ya'?

I'm gonna be another minute

putting on my face.

Why don't you take off your jacket

and stay a while, Tex'?

Alright.

Say, uh...

...can I use

the little cowpokes' room'?

What?

I need to lead my horse to water.

What are you talking about?

I gotta take a leak, alright?

Oh. Knock yourself out.

Just remember, all employees

must wash their hands

before returning to work.

That means you, partner.

Which way?

Right behind you.

First door on your right.

Hurry back so we can... mambo.

(LATIN AMERICAN DANCE MUSIC)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Now, what did Daddy's little hit man

bring Mimi for being so good?

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Bingo!

Mmm, mmm...

(GASPS)

Mmm!

oh-my God!

Mimi! No!

Oh, God, it's great.

Hey!

Bring it up.

(GRUNTS)

Come on. Come on.

(GRUNTS) Ooh! Ahh!

God! Buy me a drink first.

You just swallowed

that whole eclair'?

Relax. I'll buy you another.

No. You don't understand. It's...

Stale'? I know.

But I had to have something.

I have this little

blood sugar problem.

Didn't Monticello tell you?

So...

...how do I look?

Er... nice.

(CRASH)

Really nice.

To keep our little date

from becoming a complete snore,

we have to make

a little pit stop first.

I hope you brought some protection.

Protection?

I have to pick something up

in Van Nuys.

How do you expect to protect me

if you didn't bring a little heat, Starsky'?

JIMMY:
God!

You're the worst driver.

SONG:
Dead kings,

many things I can't define

Occasions, persuasions

clutter your mind

Incense and peppermints,

the colour of time

Who cares

what games we choose'?

Little to win

but nothing to lose.

Honey.

Coming, Pookie.

Look who just dropped by

for a quick pick-me-up.

(LAUGHS)

Mimi, you minx!

Where the dickens

have you been?

Mimi, your new hairdo is just

so much fun. Show it to Les.

Les, honey,

isn't Mimi's hairjust F-U-N?

W-O-W.

BOTH:
Wow!

Thank you.

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

Who's your friend?

Oh, this is Jimmy Nova.

He's my escort for the afternoon.

He works for Monticello.

BOTH:
Ooh.

Bang bang, huh, Jimmy'?

Wild.

Your money or your wife, huh?

It's not what you think.

I'm just an exterminator.

I bet you're murder with that Magnum

weapon of yours, aren't you, scamp'?

Ooh!

(CAN N ED LAUGHTER)

Bang bang.

Ouch.

Right through the heart.

(BOTH LAUGH FORCEDLY)

(CAN N ED LAUGHTER)

Well, you two didn't come all the way

over here just to stand by a lava lamp.

Mimi, wait till you see the shipment

that Les just got in.

It's some incredible stuff.

Show me!

This way to the bean bag.

(FARTING NOISES)

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

You are gonna love this stuff.

(MIMI GASPS) Ohh!

Jesus, Mimi.

This is Topolo, from Colombia.

Very rich.

This is Chaco -

bitter but equally as good.

And this...

...is Basco.

Ohh.

From the Black Forest of Germany.

(BOTH SNIGGER)

Now, these two are the same -

45 and ounce.

These are friend prices.

This one... this one's 75.

$75? Is it worth it'?

Mimi, this Basco is wild.

It's crazy with a 'K'.

OK. I'll take $500 worth.

Hold on a second there, Mimi.

Look, what you do on your own time,

that's your business.

But today you're with me,

and I'm not driving around

with a shitload of hashish.

(LAUGHS) Are you insane, Columbo'?

It's not hashish.

It's chocolate.

It's black-market fudge, Jimmy.

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

Did he say 'hash'?

(LAUGHS)

Jimmy, this is the Valley.

Mind if I spark some up

right here?

(CAN N ED LAUGHTER)

Please do.

Our casa is your casa.

Um... l can't get it open.

Oh, they double-seal 'em like that

for customs.

Here, help me out with this, Samson.

I'll get a knife.

JIMMY:
I can't get it.

Do you have any cookies?

Just give it to me.

I need some sugar!

Please, I'm feeling a little...

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