Plump Fiction Page #4

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God, Mimi!

Oh, my God, I've killed her!

She ate my eclair.

Believe me, it'll take a lot more

than a doughnut to kill Mimi.

It's her blood sugar.

She's in shock.

Oh, you're right.

She told us this could happen.

Les, honey, grab some orange juice

from the fridge.

Jimmy, check her bag

for some dextrose.

We're gonna have to give her a shot.

Is this it'?

Yes. Now, just roll her over

while I figure out how to... read this.

Oh, my God,

Montello's gonna kill me.

We're all out of concentrate.

I'm gonna have to make some fresh.

Honey, please. Lamb chop,

just get her something sweet.

Anything with cubes.

Orange juice.

Hang in there, Mimi,

Jimmy's not gonna let you die.

What do I do?

Locate and expose the upper forward

quadrant of either gluteus maximus.

What the f*** does that mean?

LES:
Show us her butt.

Thanks, Pookie.

Ooh! She's got a tattoo!

Oh, that?

It's actually a little map. See'?

It points the way

to the nearest Burger World.

Now what?

Indicate intended point

of penetration

by marking the area

with a large

Mark it with what?

What are you doing?

Oh, Pink on Purpose.

Here? Here, use this.

No, here.

I believe they meant here, thank you.

No, silly, the upper quadrant

is right here.

No, I'm positive it's here.

Get out of the way!

No! Oww!!

(SCREAMS)

Mimi. Say something.

Ugh!

I need a cookie! NOW!

(TREYS SCREECH)

MIMI:
God!

The least you could have done

was rent a decent car.

The least you could do

is say thank you.

Oh, for what, slamming a needle

halfway up my ass?

You hit me in my eye!

And you didn't even grab

my f***ing chocolate!

That's it, I'm taking you home.

No, this is my afternoon,

and you have to do what I want.

You wouldn't want me to tell Monticello

that you deprived me of food

and nearly forced his new wife

into a coma, would you?

What is this place?

It's the Independent Cafe.

Isn't it great?

All the waiters and waitresses

dress like characters from

your favourite independent movies.

(DRYLY) Fantastic.

You! You... can eat a bucket of f***!

B*tch.

Hello. I'm Priscilla,

queen of the desserts.

Ohh! (CHUCKLES)

I'll be your waitress

this afternoon.

Table for two?

Well, we'd like a private table

so we can tell secrets.

I understand. Walk this way.

Look!

Sorry about the mess.

We had a little incident

this afternoon

in the piano section.

He had a gun

and he had a Jeri curl?

Come, come, come.

Wow! That body looks real.

Cool!

What's this?

Oh, that's Movie Karaoke.

While you wait for your food,

you can participate

in scenes from your favourite movie.

Johnny! They took

my f***in' thumb, Johnny!

'Sound of Music'. (LAUGHS)

Watch your backs.

Back up, cracker.

Coffee comm' through for the man.

Do the right thing, mookie.

Get the f*** outta my way

before I take your f***in' ear.

Well, I tell ya, you know, I had

this tuna fish salad sandwich

up my ass for two years.

Enjoy.

She's not retarded,

she's deaf.

PRISCILLA:
Ohh!

She's not deaf,

she's just refusing to talk.

(SHOUTS) What did the guy look like?

Jesus Christ.

Careful of the corpse.

Slippery when wet.

That body looks like it has no head.

Oh, look!

JIMMY:
Hm?

Mia Farrow and Moe Howard.

He was the hottest Stooge -

so cruel.

Today's specials are listed on the back.

Oh, what's a Crying Game appetiser?

Well, we tell you it's an absolutely

fabulous assortment of raw fish,

then we bring you a hot dog instead.

Oh. And the Watervvorld platter?

That's just a cheese sandwich,

but it costs $270.

Oh.

You go ahead, Jimmy.

I just can't decide.

Alright.

I'll just have the Woody Allen

with an extra pickle, thank you.

Er, sorry, sir.

That's our children's menu.

You have to be under-aged

to get the Woody.

Oh.

I'll have the El Mariachi.

(WAVE SPLASHES, GUITAR STRUMS)

What's that'?

That's our cheapest dish.

For 1.99,

you get two tacos, a tostada,

a fajita, a burrito, an enchilada,

chilli relyenos...

No, no, thanks.

That's OK.

No.

We'll just have two hamburgers,

some fries and a couple of Cokes.

Mmm. How original.

I wanted the El Mariachi.

Yeah, and I don't want

any more trouble.

('YOU SEXY THING'

BY HOT CHOCOLATE)

(CRUNCHES)

(CHEWS NOISILY)

Don't you hate that'?

What?

Those uncomfortable silences

that occur

when two alluring strangers

are thrown together by fate

and their pheromones

do all the talking.

Pheromones'?

You know, those imperceptible scents

that animals give off to attract a mate.

(TRUMPETS)

(WHINNIES)

(CROAKS)

Are you saying I smell?

I'm saying that maybe one of us

should think of something to talk about

before our more natural instincts

take over.

So...

I hear you used to strip.

Strip?! Who told you that'?

I just... l heard...

Monticello, I believe, mentioned it.

My husband used the word 'strip'?

Well, not necessarily.

I believe what he said was...

Because I did not strip, OK'?

I was an exotic dancer.

There is a big difference.

Naturally, there is.

Maybe you heard of me -

Cherry Lee?

Cherry Lee?

Yeah, it was my stage name.

Like the cookies and the cakes?

Everybody doesn't like

something..."

But nobody didn't like Cherry Lee."

Jelly bean.

Now, I'm gonna go

powder my nose.

And when I come back,

I want you to think of a secret to tell me.

(PANTS STRETCH LOUDLY

MAN:
Hello. This thing on? Hello?

I had this monitor up my ass

for two years.

I had this gun up my ass

for two years.

And I liked it.

WOMAN:
We're gonna pose as nuns

whose station wagon breaks down

in front of the club.

Monticello doesn't leave for the bank

until around 2:
00,

so at 1:
30, this should

give us plenty of time.

I'm gonna smack him in the head

with this,

you're gonna grab the cash

and hide it in this.

We're gonna be

out of there for good.

No more pasties...

(SNORTS)

...and no more freakin' Monticello.

No names, no worries.

If you have to talk,

you call me Sister Mary,

Sister Sister,

Sister Sledge,

Sister Ruth

and Sister Batril.

(OTHERS LAUGH)

Why do I have to be Sister Batril?

'Cause I'm the one

handing out the names.

Sister Batril was played by Sally Fields.

I don't like Sally Fields.

I liked her

in 'Smokey and the Bandit'.

Yeah, she was very good

in 'Places in the Heart'.

She won a freakin' Oscar.

She made a great psycho in 'Sybil'.

My mother, my daughter,

my mother, my daughter.

She was way over the top

in 'Soapdish'.

Wait, wasn't she a nun in 'Gidget'?

No, she was identical cousins

in 'Gidget'.

No, that was Patty Hearst.

No, it was Patty Duke.

No, that was...

SISTER MARY:
Quiet!

I don't wanna be Sister Batril.

WOMAN:
I'll be Batril.

WOMAN 2:
Great.

SISTER MARY:
No!

There's no switching names.

You're Sister Batril

or you're outta here!

But that makes me

the freakin' f***in' Flyin' Nun.

SISTER MARY:
Deal with it.

What's with the nuns?

Some sort of

religious jamboree?

Perhaps they're rethinking

that ninja motif.

SISTER MARY:
Hey, Liz Taylor.

You mind? This is a private meeting.

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