Plump Fiction Page #5

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Oh. Sorry, sisters.

F***in' penguins.

(GAS PS) An Olsen twin!

Hey. Are you OK'?

Much better, thank you.

(CHUCKLES) I don't know

what's taking our food so long.

It should've been here.

Here, have a bread stick.

Would you relax? I'm fine.

Well, 1O minutes ago, you were

threatening to lapse into a coma.

Well, that was 1O minutes ago.

Now I wanna do something fun.

Fun?

Yeah.

I wanna dance.

WOMAN:
Whoa!

I don't think that's a good idea.

I believe Monticello,

my husband, your boss,

told you to let me do

whatever I want.

Well, now I wanna dance.

I don't really think

this is the time.

Or shall we tell my husband

that you had me go into insulin shock

so you could throw my dress

over my head

and play tic-tac-toe

on my ass, huh?

Ha.

Maybe in a minute and...

(CHOKES)

SONG:
He's got a union card

and he's practising hard

To play the guitar

Gonna be a big star

Yeah, he's gonna go far

and carry moonbeams home in a jar

He ordered

Chefs guitar course COD

Makes A and E

and he's workin' on B

Digs C and W

and R'n'B

And me and a chimpanzee agree

That one day soon

he'll be a celebrity

Get it, get it, get it

Get it, oww!

Gitarzan!

He's a guitar man

He's all you can stand

Give him a hand, Gitarzan...

(TARZAN YELL)

JIMMY:
Mimi! Put me down!

Put me down!

Ooh, Mommy...

(G R U NTS)

Whoa!

(LAUGHS) Ohh!

(BANG)

I can't believe

they asked us to leave.

I hope you didn't tip.

People were complaining.

Must've been the stupid nuns.

Look, er, maybe we should

just call it a day.

Well, we haven't even

had lunch yet.

Oh, look, look! You just passed

Burrito Barn. Oh.

Look, look, don't you have any food

over at your place?

Oh, and, look, there's Taco Hut.

They have these chimichangas -

they're these little penis-shaped pastries.

Oh, God. Just thinking about them

gets me damp.

Maybe we could zip on over to your

house, I can make a tuna sandwich.

I want some gum.

Huh?

I said pull over

so I can buy some gum!

(TREYS SQUEAL)

Mimi!

What, are you f***ing nuts?

Now, you wait here and I'll be out

in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

(PANTS)

They shake their tails real fast.

No! (PANTS)

Touches.

Two minutes!

Two minutes and I'm going!

MAN:
Turn-offs include

cruelty to animal and vain people.

That make-up she's wearing

I'm sure is tested on lab rats.

That shaved muff

is the ultimate form of vanity.

Hey, clerks!

(BELL RINGS)

Bigger budget.

(BELL RINGS)

(GIRLS GIGGLE)

(SINGS ALONG TO RADIO)

'Cause I made my mind up

You're going to be mine

MAN ON RADIO:

I'll tell you right now...

0h, my God!

It's Taco Tuesday!

Mimi!

(MIMI CHOMPS AND SLURPS)

No.

(EATS LUSTILY)

(PURRS)

Hola, Jimmy.

(SPITS)

Mimi, your hair.

You look... Oh, Lord.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

('MY SHARONA'-LIKE DRUMBEA PLAYS)

oh! (GROVVLS)

(SURF GUITAR MUSIC)

Mimi! No mas.

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

Jesus Christ, Mimi.

What the hell did you do that for'?

I hate that song.

(GUN C*CKS)

And I hate the bloody Quickie Mart.

Look at this place.

You know how much bleach I'm gonna

have to use to clean up this mess,

you stupid American pig?

Peugh-peugh! (SPITS)

Now drop the gun,

Mr Buffalo Bill,

before I blast you

and Calamity Jane here

so far into next week, you'll have

to time-travel just to take a dump.

Coming into my store

and waving your big gun around

like you were

walking past the White House.

Nobody shoots nobody

in this Quickie Mart

except for Jean-Claude Ennui.

You try to steal something,

I shoot you.

You read my magazines, I shoot you.

You make a mess at the Lotto station

using all my forms,

breaking all my pens, I shoot you.

(EXCLAIMS FRENCHILY)

But that is me, Jean-Claude Ennui.

And now... (C*CKS GUN)

...I'm-a shoot you.

Oh, God.

Oh.

Unless you wanted

to buy something first.

(BOTH AGREE WORDLESSLY)

(BELL RINGS)

Ah, merde!

I forgot to flip the sign!

(EXCLAIMS ANGRILY)

Hmm'?

This killing will have to wait.

What?

You think I am

some stupid American pig

who's gonna leave you here

all by yourselves

so you could wiggle your way free

and drink all my Yoo-hoo?

I'm going to get the gimp.

(CLAPS) Gimp!

Gimp!

Gimp! (SPEAKS FRENCH)

Hurry, Gimp, get out here!

(CREAKING AND SCRAPING)

(BANGING AND CLUNKING)

(ZIPPING)

(SPEAKS FRENCH) American pig.

Heel!

Heel! Heel!

Heel! Heel! Heel-heel!

Sit. Sit.

Now roll over.

Roll over!

Good girl!

You stay.

Stay! Stay!

Isn't she delicious?

Oh, but the fleas - ooh, la, la!

And I tried everything -

the dip, the spray, the collar.

But still she scratches.

Hey! Who do you have to

f*** around here to get a slushie?

I'll be right there!

Customers.

Jesus.

OK, Gimp -

time to watch the prisoners

while Jean-Claude overcharges

some American pig for her soda.

Nell nee pee-chickopay.

(GAS PS)

Nell... wat... pridner?

In go ain... let Nell free'?

Like tay... in a winn?

Tay... in a winn?

Tay... in a winn!

That's right. Bla-bla-bla.

Now, you keep talking like that

until you make

their freaking ears bleed.

And if that doesn't kill you,

I'll be back to do the job myself.

WOMAN:
Hello?

Alright, alright, I'm coming!

Nell... cardayo... gard-ayn.

But Nell no like deyo.

Deyo eh doer.

No led Nell... tay... winn.

Tay in a winn.

Tay in a winn.

(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)

Have a nice day, now.

You stupid American pig.

Hey! Pep Le Pew!

How about a little coq au vin'?

(BANG!)

(LAUGHS) Oh! That's just great.

(BELL RINGS)

Hey! What the hell's that'?

You must've set the alarm off.

(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)

Let's get out of here.

Let's go out the back.

Yeah, what about the gimp?

Ta-ta in the winn, little chickie,

ta-ta in the winn.

What a moron.

Watch it!

Holy sh*t!

Stop this f***ing car.

Alright, out!

Mimi!

Drive!

Alright, let's go.

Out of the car, Julie Andrews.

Watch it, I'm a f***ing nun!

(GASPS) Holy f***,

you're Montello's wife.

Bite me, Ann-Margret.

(HORN HONKS)

Quit it, will ya'?

This is my boyfriend's car!

(HORN HONKS)

Oh, yeah?

Well, I got a message

for your f***ing boyfriend.

(GRUNTS)

What the f*** are you doing?

Just drive.

WOMAN:
Hey, what about us'?

(ANGELIC CHORAL CHORDS)

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Hang on.

(TREYS SQUEAL

I don't believe it!

You just shot a nun!

She wasn't a nun.

She said she had a boyfriend.

Yeah, well, maybe she meant

God was her boyfriend.

Ever think of that'?

What?

Did you ever hear

of being married to the Church?

Oh, and they were just

going steady? Please.

What's the difference between

purgatory and limbo, huh?

Huh?!

(ALL SCREAM)

What are you doing?

See'? They don't know.

They're not nuns.

Yeah, what is the difference

between purgatory and limbo?

Well, purgatory is like mini-hell

and limbo is like...

Christ!

Well, if I was a f***ing nun,

I'd know.

Right, sisters?

(BANG!)

(NUNS SCREAM)

F***!

She got my ear.

Did you kill any of 'em'?

No, but I got their penguin.

I know. The beak

is sticking me in the neck.

Do I have anything on me?

No. You look great.

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