Plump Fiction Page #7

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You know,

I can't wait till tomorrow.

Why don't we just pack our stuff

and go look for Gulliver Stone now'?

Sweet little Nicky.

You're just a murderin' fool,

aren't you'?

Alright! Let's do it!

(RECORD SCRATCH ES)

It's Monticello.

We're gonna f***in' die.

We're gonna f***in' die!

Would you shut the f*** up?

Get off!

Who is it?

JULIUS:
Exterminators.

Did you call the exterminator?

Er, well, I saw

that big spider again, baby.

We're on the lam, Nicky. We can't

have nobody snooping around in here!

Stupid b*tch!

Well, what are we gonna f***in' do?

Come on, you two honeymooners.

Get your gun!

Let 'em in out of the hallway

before somebody calls the f***ing cops.

(OMINOUS CHORD)

We could hear you.

No need to be braying like a mule.

You just caught me and Nicky here

in the middle

of some real important business.

Ain't that right, baby?

That's right, baby.

Real important business.

So I guess you'll have to come back

some other time.

Alrighty. Let's go.

Wait a second, Kato.

So you're asking us

to reschedule?

She ain't askin' you nothin',

spray boy.

I'm telling you.

Now pick up your f***ing bug cans

and get out!

Does this seem familiar

to anybody?

Deja vu, er...

I didn't ask you a goddamn thing!

You are standing in the way

of the working man.

So'?

So'?

So my ass, Uncle Fester.

So! Sew a needle and a thread.

La, a note to follow

motherfuckin' so!

'T', the letter in the alphabet

I use to describe

the way I square off

in your motherfuckin' ass!

Which brings us back to... so.

I thought it was 'doh'.

So'?

Get to the point, bug man.

The point is, is that

me and my partner here,

we represent the plight

of the righteous working man.

We are here to do ourjob.

And we take orders from one person -

our boss, Monticello.

Oh, sh*t, baby!

They work for Monticello?

This is so bad!

Well, do something, baby!

Come on.

Finish your hairy armpit, b*tch.

Shoot them, Nicky,

shoot them! (SQUEALS)

(SCREAMS)

Mommy!

Well, you're a lousy shot.

Well, my glasses fogged up, baby.

Grab everything!

We are leaving now!

Nicky, baby.

Where's Montello's briefcase?

It's there.

I don't see it.

No, l... l put it on the dresser

underneath your copy

of 'Extra Chromosome' magazine.

Well, here's the magazine,

but I don't see no briefcase.

Well, did you look for it?

Of course I looked!

What do you think I'm doing here?

Are you sure you brought it?

I'm sure.

You don't sound sure.

I'm pretty sure.

Well, either you're sure

or you're not.

So which is it?

I'm not sure.

Goddammit, Nicky!

You are bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!

Well, if you hadn't have made us

stop for pancakes after the match...

No! No! Don't you blame this on me!

God!

Wait a minute.

Pancakes.

I left it in the booth at the diner.

Well, get your gun.

We're going back.

Well, our story's

all over the news now.

Great. Let's go back

and write them another chapter.

And that goes for

every last motherfuckin' one of you!

And that goes for every last

motherfuckin' one of you!

WOMAN:
Sit down already!

MAN:
Shut up!

(BELL RINGS)

Yo, bro, it's the brown billfold.

I know which one it is.

Oh, how'd you know

which one it was?

'Cause it's the one that says

'Cheap motherf***er' on it.

If the shoe fits, bro.

And don't bother coming back

till you learn how to tip!

Hello. I'm Priscilla...

Queen of the desserts. We know.

We were here last night.

Don't you ever go home, fruit bowl'?

I'm working a double.

Whatever.

Listen...

...pie head...

We left a briefcase.

Never mind her, Nicky.

I've already found it.

Oh, well, looky here, Vallory.

Some over-caffeinated patron

of this fine dining establishment

has located our briefcase for us.

Hand over the briefcase, Java girl,

before we decide to decaffeinate you.

You two skinheads

take one more step

and I'll blow your f***in'

white-trash heads off!

You don't know who we are?

No.

Damn that Gulliver Stone.

Say your prayers, coffee breath!

I'm gonna fill you so full of lead,

you'll look like a number 2 pencil, f***er!

(TRIGGER CLICKS)

Goddammit, Nicky.

Oh, sh*t, baby. Look, I f***ed up.

I didn't put the bullets in the gun.

You stupid b*tch!

Prepare to meet your maker.

Maybe he'll know

who the f*** you are!

(GUNSHOTS)

(ON LOOKERS SCREAM)

Holy sh*t, it's that spray boy.

What the f***'s he doing

with your gun, baby?

I'm in a transitional period,

thanks to both of y'all's lousy-ass aim.

Now, hand over the briefcase.

Jesus Christ, baby.

Oh, this is so bad!

No, f*** it.

I'm gonna give it to him.

Don't give it to him, Nicky!

The briefcase is ours!

He's gonna put a bullet

in Kojak's f***in' ass

if he don't hand

over the briefcase - let's go.

Do something, baby!

Do something!

Don't you touch him, bug man,

or you're gonna f***in' die

and die and die again.

Oh, I'm gonna wet myself.

Tell Yul Brynner to chill.

Tell him!

Chill... you Brynner.

Tell him to be cool.

Tell him to be cool. Say it!

(GROANS)

Be cool, Nicky.

I'm going number two.

That's it, I'm just going.

That is so gross.

Yeah, Nicky, that's right.

We're all gonna be like

little Vinnie Barbarinos.

And what was Vinnie Barbarino?

Wiseass'?

Well, all of the Sweathogs

were wiseasses,

but they all had their own

distinct characteristic.

Like, Horshack, he was a nerd.

And Boom Boom Washington,

he was very suave.

He was also in 'Cooley High'.

I ain't seen him in sh*t since.

I know. What happened to him?

I loved him.

He was so good in that.

He went on to do a television movie,

playing Michael Jackson's father.

He was very good.

He doesn't work enough.

Hey! What was

Vinnie Barbarino like'?

Cool?

That's right. He was cool.

So we all gonna

have to just be cool!

Or Buffy and Jody get a couple of

bullets in their motherfuckin' ass!

Now, open up the briefcase.

We'll open it,

but we own what's inside!

It's an original.

it's classic.

Well, what is it?

Oh, it's a 'Welcome Back, Kotter'

lunch box.

Very rare. Very hard to find.

And, er, little yellow glowy things.

But the box is in mint condition,

and... and we know we could get

a pretty penny for it.

You damn right.

There's a lot of money in that box.

That's why we're keeping the box.

We're keeping the box.

Oh, you can have the box,

you and Mr Penis Head.

I'm just gonna help myself

to what's inside of it.

(ON LOOKERS GASP)

WOMAN:
See, he is stealing.

Like I said, there's a lot of money

in that lunch box.

You can have that sh*t now.

But let me tell you, it ain't worth

a damn thing without the thermos.

Are you flirting with me?

Oh, sh*t!

Ah!

Now, with the exception

of a few silverfish in the men's room,

this restaurant is now vermin free.

Here's for the pancakes.

If the police stop by,

you just tell 'em

that this restaurant

has been exterminated.

(MUSIC STARTS QUIETLY)

You can turn it up.

SONG:
Those schoolgirl days

Of telling tales

and biting nails are gone

But in my mind...

(SHRIEKS LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON)

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